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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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I have been in a realtionship with my partner for just over

Resolved Question:

I have been in a realtionship with my partner for just over two years. Previous to this i was in one serious relationship and the others were causal or flings, mainly due to my first relationship. I met my current partner on the internet and I have lied about my past relationships becasue of the shame and I made out to him I was just in the one serious relationship. Eventually I told him things or he found out for himself through looking at facebook etc. I dont know why I couldnt be honset about what i had done and he said he wouldnt have judged me but in arguments he does and he said its becasue i have lied to him. I just wanted him to like me for me. Added to this i use to speak to males on the internet hen we first met and text male friend although there was nothing in it he thinks I have been up to alosrts with these men. He has proved that none of these men were my friends as they were just after one thing with him posing to be me and showing me the messages they send. I have taken a lie test which cam eback that i wasnt a cheat which i havent. But he is still not happy becasue it doesnt prove that i have chatted or had internet or phone sex which he is convinced of. He has lost all trust for me which is understandable but i really have been faithful to him. He has now over the past year become more and more parnoid that i am up to things with men, if he heres men in the background, if i dont anser the phone in time, if im out of breath. He thinks im with men at work and when i come home to see my parents. It is every day now we argue and he asks me have i been talking to men at work, when i do say I had converastaion about work matters he wants to know every detail and thinks i fancy them. Sometimes i say no i havent taken becasue it saves getting in to an argumnet but weeks later he gets it out of me and im accused of lying again. we moved in togther a number of months ago but if i go to work early or late or finish work early he thinks im up to something same as if i dress up. he questions what i wear if i have eye shaddow on etc. Now i am pegnant he doesnt think it is his, and when he does he has made it clear he doesnt want t beacuse of the situation. I fully understand i want to sort it to, i went for an abortion but i could not go through with it. Now he says im choosing the baby over him and if i wanted him and to make a go of thinks I would have an abortion. I dont want to have to make a decision as i do love him and i know all the issues have stemed from me, now he thinks im a manipulator and compulisive lyer trapping him. He says if i hadnt of lied and things were fine we could keep the baby and i feel even more guilt. I am constantly trying to prove that i have not cheated or in conatc and it is 100% his baby but nothing i say or do will change his mind. I just dont know what to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.

Santo B :

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Santo B :

please allow me a moment to read your question. Thank you

Santo B :

Ok, I have read you question. It seems as thought there are many issues within your relationship one being trust. Trust is actually the largest issue that i see.

Santo B :

I am not sure what more you can do to gain his trust, but it seems as though he has taken a stance regarding the relationship and you that he is not inclined to move from.

Customer:

he says it becasue i am still lying to him about things.

Santo B :

Ok, are you lying about anything at all?

Customer:

about my past when he asks me questions about things i have done, or recently when i starte da new job i said i hadnt spoke to any men becasue i didnt want to start an argumnet


 

Santo B :

I would recommend that you first stop lying to him. You will not be able to build a successful, trusting, and loving relationship based on lies

Santo B :

After you stop lying to him, I would suggest you ask to have a dialogue with him, which you would apologize for lying, explain why you lied, and ask him what is the next step that would allow you ta regain his trust and build upon your relationship

Customer:

i know that but some things i cant remember and when i say that he things im saying that becasue i dont want to tell him. so when he wants answers to things i do tell him things and later on weeks later he will quiz me and say the stort changes. which it does but i am ashamed of things and i feel awkard telling him.


 

Customer:

i have but he just thinks im making excuses. and i do regret telling him some things becase in an argumnet he will use it against me.


 

Santo B :

That can be something that you can discuss with him as part of your conversation. I would suggest that you discuss with him the fact that you are comfortable continually discussing your past, and it has no relevance on your current relationship.

Santo B :

Although, you have lied to him, it sounds like he has a lot of trouble with jealousy. Have you considered talking to a couples therapist.

Customer:

i have and he says it has everything to do with our relationship and i brought all these issues and he is right, and we cant move forward becasue of my past and the isues i have.


 

Santo B :

Why does it have everything to do with your past. How does your past define you as his current partner today?

Customer:

we have considered it but at first he said it was me that needed to go, now he saying we can sort it out togther if i choose him over the baby, and if i choose the baby, its becasue i dont want us to work.


 

Santo B :

I dont understand why your past is so significant in your current relationship

Customer:

becasue i am cold and dont show any emotions and he thinks thats becasue i dont love him or want to be with him and everything i does proves that i am just using him.


 

Santo B :

I don't believe that it sounds logical for him to say that you are choosing an unborn child over him. If you have trouble showing emotion, than that is something that you would want to work out with a therapist, but the child shouldn't have anything to do with it.

Santo B :

It sounds as though your relationship is quite toxic, and he is convincing you that everything wrong in the relationship is your fault.

Santo B :

I don't believe that to be true.

Customer:

i do try to show emotions and make an effort but when i do he thinks its becasue im guilt of something like being with another man. so i struggle knowing what to do.


 

Santo B :

I think that you would both need to work towards building trust in the relationship, and he will need to learn not to use you as a scapegoat when things don't necessarily go his way

Customer:

the first six months were fine until he started finding out things. and I was texting male friend and when i was ammoyed with my partner i would tell him, I know i shouldnt have but je thinks i had feelings for this person and i didnt.


 

Santo B :

It is pretty much lose lose for you. I think that it would be extremely helpful for you and him to seek professional couples counseling. I don't think you will be able to ever convince him that you truly do love him. He seems stuck on this anger and jealousy.

Customer:

i am trying to be honest i was yesturday i told him i spoke to a male work collegue but he thinks i am talking to him because im attracted to him. I was telling him to show i have nothing to hide and it was just a work converastion. and i thought atfterwards why did i tell him becasue of the questions and the exact deatils he wanted.

Customer:
Santo B :

He has placed so many conditions on your relationship with him at this point that it is almost impossible for you to work towards a successful, trusting and loving relationship.

Customer:

i really do want to put it right and i think i am trying really hard but he doesnt see it or think it. I have to get back to him today with my decision to work things out or choose the baby. im just really stuck becasue i dont want to loose any and i know its not an idea time and he is right.


 

Santo B :

I don't believe that he should use his child as an ultimatum. I think it is somewhat emotionally abusive for him to make you choose between the two. I would recommend that you suggest couples counseling, and not play into the ultimatum of choosing between him and an unborn child that is his.

Customer:

i do really want it to work aside from all of this we do have really good times and i do love him i know i dont really show it but i wouldnt us him and stop with him for the sake of it. Im with him becasue i want it to work.


 

Santo B :

I believe that even if you gave this child up, he would then find something else to pick on or bother you about. Having an abortion will not resolve your issues, it would make things worse because you would end up resenting him for it later in the relationship

Customer:

we did talk about it this morning, but i dont think he wants to work things out if i keep the baby problem is i was told yesturday i was 17 weeks


 

Santo B :

if you want this child, tell him you want it. I would also tell him that you want it to work, but it has to be equal, 50/50.

Santo B :

No one should have the upper hand in a relationship. It will continue to get worse. Relationships are about give and take, but to make a sacrifice that you are not willing and ready for would cause a rift between the two of you

Customer:

i told him that when i didnt go through with the abortion that i would resent him. yesturday when i told him i did want it, he things i have been stringing him along and i havent had chance to think proporly and i knew from day one he said he didnt want it becasue of the situation.


 

Customer:

i didnt tell him at first i wanted it becasue i want sure with us and finances but now i do and i told him last night and he asked me to leave.


 

Santo B :

I truly have no stance on abortion. I am simply giving you my professional unbiased opinion. To make this work, there must be shared decision making. In addition, he has not taken any responsibility for the situation. He is blaming everything on you, and although you may be wrong for lying he has created an environment that whatever you do you will be wrong.

Customer:

today he said it will only work if i stop with the lies we both go to counseling and have an abortion. sort us out and we can have a familiy later on. I fully understand that but i never thought i would ever get pregant becasue of medical problems. now its happened i just cant.


 

Santo B :

Why not try counseling first. Then worry about the pregnancy. At the very least, you should meet with a couples counselor to get their opinion and outlook on the situation.

Customer:

we both have differnt views on he situation and he is very strong in that he doesnt want it.


 

Customer:

i will suggest that to him but im sared of what his decision will be. as i already know it.


 

Santo B :

You have to take into consideration what you want, and he should be open to your wants and needs

Customer:

for some reason he just sees me as the enemy all the time i just want him to give me a chance thats all i ask of him. I know he didnt have to stay with me and he makes it clear others wouldnt,


 

Santo B :

It sounds as though you value yourself based on what he says. You must know that you have value as a person, and to allow someone to put you down and be demeaning is not love. It sounds as though he is extremely manipulative

Santo B :

I realize it is easier said than done, but you must realize that you are equal to him in the relationship, and to allow him to make all the decisions is simply allow him to exert power over you, which isn't healthy for a relationship

Customer:

i realise that, he would just say you have only herd one side and if i told him i sought advice today he would say that and you didnt know the real me. I want us to be equal.


 

Santo B :

I understand, and I can only base my opinion and recommendations on what you tell me and what we talk about.

Santo B :

Although, that is the case, I still don't believe that there is equality in the relationship.

Santo B :

I hope that what we have spoken about, and some of the recommendations and opinions I have provided have been helpful.

Customer:

i just feel that everything i do is wrong. and the majority of the time i do do things wrong. but if i open up to him i have to give him every exact detail which i cant do and he says he cant trust me until i can and thats why he is parnoid of everything i do or say.

Customer:

they have thank you, XXXXX XXXXX i need to work on myself as a person also as well as the realtionship.


 

Santo B :

That is not a trusting relationship, and I don't believe that anyone can account for everything they do during the day

Santo B :

I truly hope that you will discuss with him the option of seeking couples counseling before making a decision about your pregnancy.

Customer:

if i dont tell him somethimng though and days later i do he just thinks im a lier and disnt tell him becasue of what ever reasons.


 

Customer:

yeah i will defenatly speak to him and suggest that.


 

Santo B :

I truly hope it works out with you and him, and I hope that he is willing to work with you and try couples counseling. Is there anything else I can help you with before we end the session?

Santo B :

If not i will switch to a Q&A format and you can always re-visit to post questions and concerns and I will answer them in a timely manner

Customer:
Santo B :

i am not able to see what you typed

Santo B :

can you re-type it

Customer:
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Santo B and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
I am just checking in with you to see if any of the suggestions we spoke about worked. Please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have.

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