Can I help you.
I did try to help you with a question a few days ago. But because you had initially been working with Dr. Jackie I opted out.
Is there something I can help you with today?
I will be online for about another 30 minutes and then will be offline until about 7 pm central time.
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My question was on how to initiate a chat conversation to answer my questions instead of the format followed before?
For some reason I get the asnwer from another Dr. Can we proceed with this chat?
When you write your question chose the option for live chat.
This is a copy and paste of my last question
I will not call our divorce legal process amicable but it was not bad either. She separated mainly becuase we couldn't get along. Compared to other separated couples, we must be doing OK since people who met us during our brief 2 months "getting friendly" tend to be surprised we are separated. Its VERY hard for me to make up my decision particulary because of our child being younger than 8. How to you restore the trust?What prevents her from having a relationship once we go back together?What are the odds of couples who have been through the divorce system and separated for more than 2 yrs going back together?Does it work?Am I being old fashion and unrealistic being hurt by her relationship
You can always select who you want to talk with. The best way is to put that Expert's name in the beginning of your question.
Yes...I read that post.
My questions are very tough to answer..just need a guide
Yes...I understand that it was not amicable...but not terrible. I imagined this was true but was uncertain without feedback from you.
Why she wants to come back when she has a boyfriend, good child/spousal support and custody of teh child?
Yes...I agree that its a baffling situation and that there is not a whole lot of trust on your part.
Is it normal for couple to engage in relationship during separation?is it considered cheating?
To me, the thing that stood out most was that she wants another child. So...she's already experienced one pregnancy with you.
Many "separated" couples do date and get into relationships.
Yes. She wants badly another kid. She always wanted that.
We both have a child from the marriage
I am at cross road
Separations are very tricky in this regard. In my experience, they need to be like contracts...spelling out all contingencies. But that rarely happens. Usually the emotions are too out of control for logic to have a place.
Yes...I can imagine that cross road...is most of it about being uncertain that you can trust her?
How do you know if someone still in love with you?I do know she wants to come back but have no idea of her motivation
Would you say that you still loved her?
I don't mean the love of having been together for many years and having a child together...
I mean "in love"...your heart leaping when you are together, the desire to be with her...
And...absolutely...her motivation is suspect.
I have no idea!!I always dread that question. I think both of us get married becuase we were at a certain age and w wanted to have family.
I would put less emphasis on how she feels about you and more on what you feel for her.
This is about you making a choice.
Okay...it get the marriage because it's the next life step.
Have you had an individual or couple counseling to sort out your feelings?
I have a child that will grow up in another home calling someone else "dad" and I do feel lonely since I am more or less introvert. These are the 2 main factors that I am thinking about
We had in the last year prior to separation...was very very tough sessions
Tell me more about the tough sessions...what was tough...
Shew has sooo much resentment that i was not aware of
It basically centerd around my relationship with her family and my lack of active social life
Okay...what did she resent?
Sorry...I posted before your words came up.
So...she wanted you to be closer to her family and to have more friends?
There was no financail problems, physical violence, adultry, etc..both are porfessional and civil
Okay. Have those things changed?...are you closer to her family and have more friends?
and she wanted me to allow her to take our child to her family at least once a year
I ask, because if those have not changed, would they continue to be a problem now.
They have changed
And...why did you object to that?
reason I object to them is due to somehow irrational fear and worry about my kid's safety in the location she is heading to
Do you still feel the same? Or has that changed too?
I got way better. I always recognised that as a neurosis that need to be dealt with
So...it seems from what you are saying that there has been some improvements in your relationship. And...that you want to raise your child in your own home and be the father that you always dreamt of.
Is that a correct analysis?
i am ready to go back if I have at least 75% chance I won't endup in divorce
YES. My child is the love of my life
I am not sure whether I am in love with her..actually I have never ever been in love and assume its an overrated word
I understand. In my experience, there needs to be some new understanding and some new boundaries and limits in place.
I think many people would say the same thing!
After 30, women look at men as project
Love has many dimensions. When you think of your child it is automatic to say you love that child with all your heart and soul.
Yes. I do have feelings for my wife too. I am just always bothered that she doesn't love me
But...when it comes to a partner...that can be tougher to describe. Especially since there has been this other relationship and you are uncertain about your own feelings.
Yes. This other relationship is killing me
But...love is not easy to define. And while you say she doesn't love you...what does that really mean? Does she love you as best she can? Perhaps she doesn't have a great capacity for love.
This would be a good discussion point between you.
Absolutely! If she is serious about wanting to be back with you...then that relationship must end now..not later.
Its not the retionship with her boyfriend per se...its the fact she resumed it and keep jumping from one side to another. Its the fact she lies about it and give such stupid reasons why she sleeps there
That would seem to be one condition that ought to be implemented asap...if she wants you to consider being together that relationship needs to end.
That sounds more about insecurity then anything else. She needs a man - doesn't feel she can function without one - and so she flip flops so that she does not have to be alone.
According to her boyfriend, she told him there will be no futire between them becuase she is still in love with me. That I am a wonderful father.
But yes..I understand your point.
Do you believe that? Or do you think he was being patronizing.
Is the plan she is presenting to you to get back together, get pregnant immediately, and then live happily after?
I belive she told him that. But she just gave him the appopriate answer at that time. He is in love with her..i can tell.
Yes...it's very possible that she just said that as a way to justify her own behavior.
I turned down the pregnancy and she said fine with her. But she is telling me what I want to hear most likely. I will never ever have another child due to my age
Whoa...I would not jump to the conclusion that he loves her....if she is jumping back and forth...then he is likely disappointed and tired of this as well.
Yes..she there is the possibility that she is telling you that as a way to appease you...
Why do you say that your age is an issue?
He is my age, divorced with no kids. Not at her level of edcuation and intelect
I am too old to change diappers and financially it will be burden
where do I go form here?:)
Men have children at a much older age then women....if you love your current child...you will love all future children!
I am shying away from giving personal information just to protect my privacy in the event she might be reading this..(notice the paranioa;))
It would appear to me that you have some very tough decisions to make. In my experience you need to get crystal clear about your own feelings, desires, and hopes.
It's okay....I understand the right to privacy.
Statistically, what are the odds of a 2nd marriage to your ex working?
I have not recently read those stats, what I can tell you from my 30+ year practice is that it's just as much a gamble as a first marriage.
My desire and hope is to be close to my child.
and to have a compainion which is not easy for someone like me
Okay. That is one goal. And in your mind if you were back with your wife, you would have that ability.
I do have almost 40% access to my child right now but I am afriad it might be lost if I went ahead with divorce
You use the word companion versus partner or lover...is there a difference?
It depends on what state you live in and what the custody arrangement is.
A friend..best friend..woman
Has she ever been this to you?
I am looking for a female as a best friend and then the rest follows
Did she at one time fit this bill?
No. We are different. Despite her education, she is not into deep philosphical and spiritual chat. She is much simpler. She enjoys other women's company much more that I
So in a sense she would have to remake herself to fit your criterion? Or..you would have to make an adjustment? Or both?
90% of our chat used to be about her daily routine at work with me most of the time listening.
Each being flexible to fit more closely into each other's life?
Yes but that's not easy.
That sounds lonely.
How do you make someone interested in poetry, spirituality, etc
No...I don't think any of this will be easy. I think it will be about compromise and wanting to meet each other's needs as best you can.
Ok. is there anything wrong with the following proposal?
You invite them in...you use their own interests as a springboard and show them how their interests meld into this other world.
propose trying to build a friendship
Absolutely!! that would be my #1 instruction...
then porgress to boyfriend/grilfriend rxn..then after a year we can either split or get married
Yes...there needs to be a trial and error period here...
I would not put a 1 year date as a hard and fast rule...but something like that...
Would part of this be that she must leave the boyfriend?
The only issue..I have to proceed with divorce prior to that. We can't cohabitat in our legal separaryion status
And set up a living arrangement that you agreed to?
definitely she has to leave her boyfriend..which , for some reason, I seem to be overconfident she will
So ... you would cohabitate from the get go?
Without divorce, our cohabitation will nullify the legal separation..something i don't want to do
She is very sensitive about divorce..this is catch 22
I thought maybe the friendship phase would dictate that she establish residence in a new place...
What is her issue?
We live in separate dwelling for the last 2 years.
Her issue, I think, she doesn't want me to sign divorce certificate
She thinks I am being too materialistic by insisting on divorce prior to the attempt to "get together"
Well...it sounds like there is sufficient legal cause - meaning your new plan - to say that the divorce must proceed. That is the consequence of what has occurred. Unless there is some other way around this...it will have to stand.
Ok. Then I will prsent that to her. I am just afraid she will withdraw all together
If she can come up with an alternative that suits you, then she can make that attempt.
but I can't live in a limbo
If she does...the she does...and you will know what your next life steps need to be.
In current legal system, we are allowed 90 days of cohabitaion only. I don't think its sufficient
Absolutely...you can't live in limbo nor be held hostage.
Yes..I agree. It does not seem possible to move from friends, to girlfriend, to marriage in 90 days time.
what will prevent her from commiting adultry once we come back?Something I have never ever had to worry about before
Way too short a time. You need to repair trust, you need to re-learn how to live together, you need to feel emotionally safe...lots of things have to be worked out.
The only thing that will prevent her is her own desire to be with you in a monogamous relationship...a condition which you ought to put on getting back together.
Do you think being in mid 40's too old for another kid?
even at the risk of losing another child to a potential divorce?:)
The desire for children is so great in some people that they are willing to take that risk.
Thanks you so much. I am done with this question. I will definitely like to have you for ongoing online counseling
This is where you must let your heart speak.
How do I properly reply and finish this question
We can end right here. You will asked to rate the question and that ends this chat.
When you want to chat again, just ask for me by name in your question and chose the live chat option.