Okay, here goes nothing. I have strong feelings for an extreamly shy guy. I've known him only ever as someone I've seen walking around at work, for atleast 2 years. I was attracted to him right away, and even went as far as to bake him some cookies and leave them on his lawn mower just so he would come up and talk to me. It worked, but the conversataion lasted a grand total of maybe six seconds. I know he's attracted to me and he knows (or atleast he should know) that I am attracted to him as well, however all he's ever done toward pursuing me is watch me intently. He never talks to me now and every time I try to make eye contact with him, he shys away and pretends he wasn't really looking at me. All the articles and sites I've been on say that its me who has to make the first move, but I feel like I have already. And now after two years of this ongoing game, I would just feel akward going up to him and starting up a conversation because first of all I have no idea what to say to him! How do I approach this in a way that wont embarass either of us?
My name is XXXXX XXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.
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I read your question, and i would recommend that you simply go up to him and spark up a conversation. Say hello, ask how he is doing.
I would even go as far to ask him if he enjoyed the cookies that you baked him.
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Sorry about that. I have a bad conection. are you still there?
Yes, I am here. What do you think about some of my thoughts?
I truly believe that the best thing you could do is to pursue him. He seems very shy, and although he may be interested, he may be too timid to approach you.
He really is a nice guy, he's just real shy. I want to pursue him, but how? btw I have asked him how he liked the cookies and he even said they were good, but that was included in our six second chat.... so idk.
If you are still online I really would like to talk about this. How do I get back to the chat window?
We are not able to go back to the chat.
Unfortunately, once the chat is ended we are unable to return to the chat. I am not sure why the feature is not accessible again. You can pursue him by simply approaching him, saying hello, and letting him know that you have always been intrigued with him and would like to get to know him better.
Oh, alright. Well this works too I guess. Sorry to be such of a bother with the chat thing. So getting back to the topic, yeah I could do that. But for some reason I can't seem to find the words. we see a lot of eachother at work in passing. Its been like this for two years and I really want to say something to him, but he's so shy I'm afraid of how he may react to my coming up to him out of the blue and chating. he's got kind of a funny voice see and he's not very confident when it comes to talking. A lot of people call him creepy and weird, I just think he's misunderstood. I just don't know how to approach him. I want to find out for myself just exactly what kind of a person he is, I just don't know how. My friends tell me to just give it up but I can't help how I feel. Right now, I'm just all out of ideas.
Do you use email at work? If so, why not write him an email, or are you on facebook? You can friend request him and possibly get to know him a little better that way.I am not quite sure what kind of work environment you are in, but if you have lockers you could possibly slip him a note. I know it sounds a bit like high school, but it would probably be more comfortable than just going up and talking to him.Do you and your co-workers go out for drinks after work? If so, invite him along and see if he is willing to go. He may feel more comfortable in a crowd. Also, does he have any friends at work that you are friendly with? You may be able to ask them about him, and they may just tell him that you are interested in getting to know him better.
Clinical Social Work
There are many ways you can go about talking to him. It sounds like you just need to be creative about it. If he is shy, you should take a more indirect approach.
That's a great idea! The whole note thing. I just.... idk its not really my style. I'd feel like I was going about it in a round-about way. My personality is much more outgoing than his and I like to get to know people. I can't just walk up to him, hand him a note, give him a smooch and just walk away! lol I kind of want him to come up to me and talk. What I guess I'm wanting to know is how I'd go about getting to know him with HIM making the first move. Any ideas on how his brain may work? We work at a Theme Park in the mornings him in grounds and me in housekeeping. We have lunch at the same time and we pass eachother at break. I always smile at him and he kind of looks then turns away. It makes me feel insecure. like you know, "what do i look funny or something?" I want to talk to him, but he seems like he'd just bolt! How can I make him comfortable enough with me to make eye contact?
Why don't you sit with him at lunch? Just sit with him, say hello, and see if he initiates any conversation. At first it may be uncomfortable, but it may force him to make the first move. You said some people find him weird, so he probably doesn't sit with many people.
That's right, he doesn't. He always sits alone and eats. I've actually thought about that idea. just going over and sitting with him, the only thing is with my outgoing personality, I attract a lot of people over to me. I'm afraid I may end up unwillingly chasing/crowding him out. Plus since he is so different from people, they would see us talking and probably try to rescue me or something! they don't get my situation and I find it hard to tell most of them about it. Its hard to communicate your feelings for a shy guy to your friends when you're worried about a confident self image that you put on everyday for work. you know? Even though that's the case, I have thought to myself on occasion, "Well who cares what they think, I'll just do it!" and I make up my mind I'm going to talk to him. The only thing is, I can't actually bring myself to do it. His shyness rubs off on me and then I chicken out! Plus I'm worried about what my co-workers might say if he does turn out to be a weirdo....there is that fact to consider as well I suppose.
It sounds as though you are extremely conflicted. You should either take the plunge and try sitting with him at lunch, or you'll never know what could actually come of this. It could be a friendship, a relationship, or nothing, but you will never know until you give it a shot. If you'd like, you can also begin to let some work friends know a couple days ahead of time that you will be sitting with him to get to know him, and that you ask they respect your choice and judgment and not follow you to the table.Obviously you have to decide what will be best for you, but there is something that is in you that draws you to him. I recommend at least trying it out.
You've got a good point. It sounds so simple to do! I guess maybe perhaps I'm thinking too much about it. I tend to over dramatize situations.... and maybe he's in just as much confusion as I am. I should give your advice a shot, because you're right. I'll never know until I try. But I really would like him to somehow make the move. Should I maybe tone down my personality? Maybe I'd seem more approachable to him if I was more of a loner or less of a popular figure. Or is that not a good idea?
I wouldn't suggest that you change yourself for anyone. You remain who you are in this process. If he likes you and wants to get to know you, then you want him to know the true you. Just remain who you are, and try to simply shake off the uncertainty and go for it. Sometimes, when opposites meet, they tend to attract and balance one another out. Stay true to yourself, and go for it. The worst that could happen is nothing, but the most that could happen is a friendship or possibly relationship.
You're right. Ofcourse you're right, you're an expert! haha. Thank you for putting up with me. Its really an akward situation and its good to be able to chew someone's ear about it for a change. I'm just so tired of this ongoing game of cat and mouse! And I'm really tired of being the cat. Does the mouse ever have a change of heart in the end I wonder? I mean, what if the cat just sat down and pouted? Would the mouse ever come out of its hole and say "You win. Let's be friends!"? I'm just rambling now and you're probably saying to yourself, "Just shut up and go away will you?" lol I've just got to have some kind of confidence in knowing that maybe he'll come around and become a man about this. Have you ever delt with a similar situation? or ever with this type of person?
Yes. I have worked with people that have extreme social anxiety and shyness. Unfortunately, it almost seems as though you would have to be the aggressor in this situation and pursue him. I don't know much about him, but neither do you. I think the only way you will know what will happen is if you simply pursue a conversation with him. Even if it is as simple as "Hello! How are you?" "We have been working together for a while now, and I have always noticed you but wasn't sure if you noticed me."Give it a shot. You will continue to rack your brain about this for another two years if you don't at the very least take a shot at talking to him.
Alright thank you! I'll give it a shot. You've been really helpful and supportive about this. And its been nice talking to you too. I'd rate your answer under 'Great Service' but I think it will cost me more money...lol Sorry for being such a cheap skate... Thanks again Santo B! You've been very helpful.
You're very welcome. Don't worry about it. I will check in on you in three days to see how things are going. If anything comes up before that don't hesitate to return to this page and post your question. If I am online I will answer quickly, if not, I will receive a notification via email and get back to you.
I am just checking in with you to see if any of the suggestions we spoke about worked. Please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have.