KansasTherapist:Thank you- thats really helpful. Guess the next issue is I want to be sure is if I am justified in ending our relationship in part because of my jealousies but mostly now, because he just goes off emotionally on me, so spontaneously and sometimes from out of nowhere. Since I grew up in such a violent household, I am not sure what normal anger looks like(especially from a Turkish man- when we have visited Turkey, men were always screaming at each other in traffic, etc.) The jealousy, the temper, the derogatory comments to me and foul language(he is also handsome, sweet, intelligent)-I just feel so torn about leaving the relationship. I guess I am hoping you have a strong opinion, based on your experience, about whether you think he can change his hot headed temper, if this is extreme and abusing me emotionally or if I am being too sensitive?
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I don't think you're being too sensitive, and I suspect things will only get worse as time goes by. To me, it doesn't matter if his behavior is typical of Turkish men or of men in general. What matters is how you feel about his behavior. If you were a person with a high tolerance for abusive language, or you could tell him that you won't tolerate that treatment and really draw the line, it might work okay. But the person you are is hurt by his language. It reminds you of your difficult childhood. That's what matter's most, how you feel. I can understand that this isn't an easy decision to make after being married a short time. It seems to me that you only got to see his real attitude after you became his wife. Now he is treating you the way he thinks he has a right to treat you.
How do i draw the line? I threaten to break up, we dont speak for days and then i get weak and he reaches out in a way that I am drawn back in-How do I draw the line effectively?
Making threats, especially ones you don't follow through on, isn't helpful. Drawing the line means saying "When you talk to me like that I feel _________ (hurt, worthless, sad, discouraged). If we're going to talk, I need you to be calm and talk to me without yelling, swearing, or demeaning me. If you chose not to do that, I won't talk to until you calm down." Then you have to stick it and end any conversation as soon as he starts escalating. Either he will learn that he can't treat you abusively, or he'll end the relationship because he's not willing to accept any limits.