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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Dr. Rossi my life has been good since we last corresponded. I

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Dr. Rossi my life has been good since we last corresponded.
I do have a puzzling issue though. And it is this. My friend and the lady she has agreed to act as a caretaker-at the expense of her career-are in Anchorage. I have given 3 general invites i.e. afternoon tea, lunch or whatever. No commitment. As M-M always says it depends on ME (age 92)ad how she is doing. I am a tad offended about a lack of a commitment. My friend's life revolves around ME and her health. My friend is now doing 24-7's with no break.
This makes me so sad. I do not know what to do about the invites and my concerns.
Kathleen
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Morning Kathleen,

 

 

If possible, try not to stay offended as each person makes these sort of decisions/sacrifices for one or another reason. Your friend at least should know that you've been loyal friend and that you're there for her to reach out if she wants to.

The other issue is that what you're expecting of her may not be something that she can do at this stage in her life.

 

Whether the care taking role is fulfilling to her or has other meaning i.e. soul agreement (her need/desire to pay back ME for something that ME had provided to her) or, her sense of commitment that defines her own role in her life now. The commitment in a way can also take away from her responsibilities to herself as an individual as well as those responsibilities or at least courtesy she can have towards you.

 

It appears that your friend either is codependent or feels some sort of an obligation towards ME. Whatever the cause behind it, it is not necessarily a rejection of you as a person or a friend. Perhaps she can't divide her attention to ME (like you said she gives her 24/7 care/attention) and you or others. As far as why she can't or won't divide her attention, she herself may not be even fully aware. It could be a subconscious drive to serve ME and to derive a sense of self (usefulness/helpful persona) through that.

 

Your self worth comes from within and not from what one person or even ME say or do. It is nice to hear that you're doing well despite external frustrations.

 

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Hi Kathleen,

 

If there is anything else, let me know.

Please remember to only rate my answer when you are 100% satisfied. If you feel the need to click either "Helped a little" or "I expected more", please stop and reply to me via the CONTINUE CONVERSATION button with the issue you have. I will be happy to to assist you with the service you seek.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Dr. Rossi I want to elaborate on our correspondence. I have guilt due to M-M not -thus far- coming to my home. She and ME love me dearly. They have treated me like royalty when I flew to SF for a requested visit. I want to reciprocate. This is where the guilt is coming in. She-they have had guests in the home they are house sitting and will have until 6 21. M-M does feel a commitment to ME due to her being a "sinking ship". ME was treated for ovarian cancer (a repeat) M-M felt committed to get her thru that as she had no one else.) She has been cleared. They went on a planned cruise and have traveled to Anchorage. Supposedly they will go to SF at the end of June. ME has said she would love to live here but feels bound to live in SF due to her home being there. However,she has nothing there but her house and M-M. I just ache for each woman and the tangled lives they are presently living out. I see them as 2 strong women and very independent as well as intelligent. I am having difficulty holding back my concerns as each of us must live our life as we see it. And guilt because so far I have not entertained them in my home.
Kathleen
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

You've put it right - "each of us must live our life as we see it." You are really not in control of what they eventually do about it. And they know that. Friends are flexible without holding specific expectations of each other at all times.

 

Friendship love is not always expressed by such gestures (invitations or visitations) You've showed them your concern, you've reached out to them and you're still concerned about the two of them. Hopefully you're able to keep your invitations open should they decide to come over. If they chose not to, that too is their choice and you can respect it. Try not to compare yourself to others in their circle or the events/trips they engage in. Different friends interact differently with each other. That does not reflect that they prefer someone over you or are rejecting you.

 

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