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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 192
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I did follow your advice, and tried to dont push things, proved

Customer Question

I did follow your advice, and tried to dont push things, proved myself as helpful.We have been on friendly by emails and text, I showed understand her emotional sensitivity, and respect. Still she refuses to talk to me in person or phone. What should I do now to make her talk again?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.

DrJackiePhD :

Hi, I think you were online and I tried to respond but it looks like you are off now.

DrJackiePhD :

Let me switch to the Q&A and try to respond.

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I am
online Dr. I did apologize again from her, finished her work in the best way and did not accept any more money. I myself think that considering the fact that no deep relation was formed, my actof de-escalating has been traumatic for her. Or on the otherhand, she has took this chance to "get rid of " a situation that she was not comfortable in.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

I am sorry to hear that she won't talk to you on the phone or in person. It sounds like you are doing everything "right" and everything you can to build up the relationship. I know you really do want a relationship with this woman. But please note your last sentence, "...make her talk again?"

I feel for you but you have to realize that you cannot "make" anyone do anything unless you resort to unethical means (i.e., brute force). You can't force her to meet you and you can't force a relationship. From everything you have said, you are doing everything humanly possible to win her back. If she won't be "won over" by you, then there is nothing you can do.

My best suggestion is to keep doing what you have been doing. At least she is not refusing to respond to emails and texts. So hang on to that communication. If you are patient, perhaps she will learn in time that she does want to see you in person. But it might be a long wait.

Hang in there. You're doing the right thing! :)

==Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I have not asked her again for weeks that if she wants to see me or not. Should I wait? Or try again? Even though she does not accept to see me, she sometimes asks me a lot of questions each day by texting and I answer all of them. Then why this does not change the situation? How come she s insisting that all we have is a work relationship but I should be kind and human?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I am unclear by your last question. Of course we should all be kind and human. Also, why would you answering all of her texts change the situation? If she is sending ten or more texts a day, and you answer all of them, very likely she is getting what she wants, at least now, out of the relationship.

Again, I am really unclear about your last question. Why would her wanting a work relationship only NOT signify you acting human? We should always be that way.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

What I say is this, I am responding to her need with ultimate devotion, her need is just now support for her legal matter. But she is not even willing to discuss what I need from her. I mean is it my problem of not being clear about what I want or her problem of not considering what I want? And how can I change this situation? At least clear things up?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I'm afraid it IS your problem, at least, from my perspective. You continue to reply faithfully to her texts. But as long as she maintains she only wants a working relationship, you either have to honor that or else stop. You should weigh what you are getting out of this relationship and compare it to what you are putting in. And if you put in a lot more than you are getting out of it, you have to ask yourself how much longer can you wait and hope?

You can't change her. But you can change YOU. Are you willing to keep waiting and hoping or is it just taking its toll on you? If you think you can "clear things up," as you put it, you have to do it by email or text, preferably email. It has to be on HER terms; she has the control in this relationship. Remember she has the least invested.

Best,
==Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

1-May I ask you what do you mean " it has to be in her terms"?

2-You said once that I should not be too blunt, otherwise she would scare away..., If I have been so, how can I correct it?

3-I agree with you that I have been unsuccessful to get close to one person and become more intimate. There is one possibility of her refusal, but the other possibility is my lack of skills in this regard. How can I gain these skills to become more intimate? Is it possble for you to suggest me some ways of doing so?

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
1) She has the power. If you want a relationship, you have to play by her rules; otherwise, you won't even have a working relationship.

2) I don't know if you have been blunt or not. I don't know what you write in your texts and emails.

3) I can try to do this. Am I helping so far?

==Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

1- If it is so, why she wants to keep the power? Becuase she knows how much I like her and she feels that she can use this as a powertool? And what can be her gain in this? Becuase at a certain point, everyone, including me would walk away. I have felt that I should play by her rules. But does this show?
A personality trait, or that she is not serious?


2- I have been told before that I am too aggressive and fast in my relationships. When it is so, how can be corrected?

3- Yes, definitively. As once we talked, I might have a problem of getting intimate to woman. Which I suppose I have. How I can learn it?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,

I would love to help, but I don't think I'm helping you. Do you want me to opt out so that you can talk to another relationship Expert? I don't see any Accepts from you from the past day or so (unless my account is not up-to-date). So that tells me I'm not really being helpful. I want to help, but perhaps another Expert could offer different insight?

Best,
==Dr. Jackie
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 192
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your reply. I have already accepted your answer. Please continue to guide me.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi Doc,

Thank you for your "Accept!" If this continues to work, I'll copy and paste your concerns and then put my response in all caps.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1- If it is so, why she wants to keep the power? Becuase she knows how much I like her and she feels that she can use this as a powertool? And what can be her gain in this? Becuase at a certain point, everyone, including me would walk away. I have felt that I should play by her rules. But does this show?
A personality trait, or that she is not serious?

PEOPLE WANT TO CONTROL FOR VARIOUS REASONS BUT MANY TIMES IT IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T FEEL IN CONTROL OF OTHER ASPECTS OF THEIR LIFE. EVERYONE, AS WE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE, NEEDS BOUNDARIES AND RULES. OTHERWISE, ALMOST NO ONE WOULD SHOW UP FOR WORK ON TIME, WOULD DRIVE IN AN EVEN CRAZIER MANNER, ETC. SO PERHAPS THIS CONTROL SATISFIES A NEED FOR HER BECAUSE SHE IS NOT IN CONTROL WITH HER LEGAL ISSUES, PERHAPS? YOU KNOW MUCH BETTER THAN I WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER PERSONAL LIFE/WORK LIFE. PERHAPS BECAUSE OF HER UPBRINGING, CONTROLLING THIS RELATIONSHIP GIVES HER FALSE SECURITY AND A FALSE SENSE OF SELF-CONFIDENCE.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2- I have been told before that I am too aggressive and fast in my relationships. When it is so, how can be corrected?

AS A DOCTOR YOURSELF, YOU KNOW THERE IS NO "QUICK FIX" FOR MANY AILMENTS. SIMILARLY, IF YOU HAVE ANY HOPE LEFT AT ALL OF THIS RELATIONSHIP GROWING, YOU HAVE TO "PLAY BY HER RULES." THIS MEANS GOING SLOWLY, TEXTING AND EMAILING BUT NOT CALLING OR MEETING UNLESS SHE WANTS TO, ETC. IF YOU VIOLATE "HER RULES," MY BEST GUESS IS THAT HER REACTION WILL BE TO CEASE ALL CONTACT.

I WOULD ENCOURAGE HER TO GET COUNSELING IF SHE WERE CHATTING WITH ME. THE ONLY WAY I HAVE EVER BEEN ABLE TO HELP PEOPLE MOVE ON IS BY
ENCOURAGING THEM TO SEEK COUNSELING--AND FORGIVE. CAN SHE GET PAST HER PAST? YES--BY FORGIVING AND LETTING GO. I HAVE NEVER SEE ANYONE WITH ANGER AND RESENTMENT FEELINGS BE ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP UNTIL THEY LET GO AND FORGIVE. SOMETIMES IT'S FORGIVING ANOTHER PERSON/PEOPLE, SOMETIMES IT IS FORGIVING ONESELF, AND SOMETIMES IT'S BOTH.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
3- Yes, definitively. As once we talked, I might have a problem of getting intimate to woman. Which I suppose I have. How I can learn it?

THIS ONE IS NOT AN EASY ANSWER EITHER. BUT INTIMACY IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS LEARNED THROUGH TEXTBOOKS FOR SURE. IT'S NOT AS MUCH LEARNING AS MUCH AS IT IS "DOING." OBVIOUSLY THERE IS WALL UP AROUND YOUR FRIEND SO INTIMACY IS OUT OF THE QUESTION WITH HER. BUT IF YOU MEAN IN GENERAL, WELL, PRACTICE IS THE KEY. WHEN YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE, YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THE OTHER PERSON HAPPY, WHAT PLEASES THE OTHER PERSON, ETC. AND THEN OF COURSE YOU ACTUALLY DO THOSE THINGS.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I hope this helps! :)

Best,
==Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Doctor,
1- You said she should forgive me. Do you think she still has not forgiven me? What can I do for it?

2- May I ask you what is the exact definition and dimensions of intimacy?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes, thank you so much. I did rate your answer.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi Ahmad,

I am just getting back online. We were on family vacation for the past few days.

1) I just re-read through our exchanges. Can you point out where I said that she should forgive you? I can't find it anywhere, and I usually don't ever guess what other people should say or do, especially if they aren't seeking answers from me.

Are you referring to my response on June 16th at 10 a.m.? If so, I was referring to you. I can't give her advice since she obviously is not the one asking for it, but I can make suggestions or recommendations to you. And one way to move on is to forgive yourself and others even if others don't ask for it.

I cannot begin to answer if she has forgiven you or not. I do not know her and have never communicated with her. I just don't know.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2)Intimacy is tough to define. It's like other abstract nouns that are hard to define, but you "know it when you see it." Often it is defined by the two people in the relationship. In other words, what may be intimate for one couple might not be for another. For example, two people might enjoy eating an ice cream sundae together, eating off the same spoon, etc. Yet another couple might consider such behavior gross--they would never share a spoon or eat after each other. So their intimacy is hand holding while taking a walk.

Most researchers do agree that intimacy is the manifestation of behaviors that reveal a deep love and care for the other. Sternberg's Triangle of Love is often used to explain. He theorized that there are three points of love--love, affection, and intimacy.

He said that love is the feeling one person has for another. Love can stand alone. Affection is an outward expression--physical contact, touching, etc. Affection can stand alone also. When I say "stand alone," I mean that you can love someone else but not act on it. People also can have affection because they are physically attracted to one another, but this does not mean either person loves the other.

Intimacy is like the top point in the triangle--a blend of love AND affection. That is, intimacy is the outward expression of the deep love inside. Like affection, it produces physical contact and touching. But affection does not necessary indicate the greater feeling of love. Intimacy does.


I am not saying that Sternberg's Triangle of Love is gospel. But a lot of relationship scholars believe it is a good way to look at relationship behavior.

I hope that helps.

Best,
==Dr. Jackie
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I am scheduling a follow-up for three days. If you don't need me then, then you can ignore this. :)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Doctor,

I finally talked to that lady in person, and openly. She told me that "our relationship is just a work relationship and I should not count on anything more in any format"[I guess she meant girl-friend boy friend and marriage, because I indirectly had approached her fro both reasons before, which was my mistake, as I guess she did not like that i dont know what I want from her), but she said(her exact sentence) " Later on, I might ask you to help me in X as a colleague and, if you wished in that time, you can do it for me out of compassion".

May I ask you what does this situation mean?

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Doctor,

She has obviously rejected me. But on the other hand, she says: we should see what will happen after finishing this work. Anyway, this is not my question. I am just giving false hope to myself.

Is it possible to guide me that when someone is rejected by the loved one, what is the best course of action to possibly revive the situation later? I know it probably depends on the situation, but are there certain points that usually should be followed?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Dr Jackie,

I had some news, I could finally get into a relationship that I was talking to you about. I wanted to thank you deeply for this. I owe this largely to you.

I had a question from you. I know you find my question largely strange. I want to move to the next stage with this girl and I am considering her for marriage, in the case things go on well.

My question is largely about what her previous boyfriend has told me. He essentially has told me she is a slut. I fact checked some of his claims, and found that at least some parts of his story about her has been a lie. For example he has told me that she has cheated on him but the boy that supposedly should she had slept with actually does not exists according to my research.

I have researched and researched, but still I am hesitant. She clearly is interested in me, I am interested in her, too. I dont know how I can distinguish if she has sex morals, and would be loyal to me?




Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.

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