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Dan B.
Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
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My boyfriends name isXXXXX follow astrology and he is a

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend's name isXXXXX follow astrology and he is a Scorpio and I am a Cancer. He is very sarcastic about a lot of things. He likes to joke A LOT about me "not loving him anymore." He laughs and rolls over and kisses me. I take it as a big joke and tell him that I do love him and give him a big kiss. It hasn't stopped though and it's starting to sort of bug me. Do you have any advice as to how I should handle this when he says it again?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.

danb :

Hi. My name is Dan. I am willing to try to answer your question.

danb :

I am a licensed counselor who works with couples and families. I have to warn you though that I only know a minimal amount about astrology though. If that is a very important component of the question, I will have to refer you to a different expert.

danb :

I see that it says you are "standing by" I will wait a moment for you to come into the chat room.

danb :

OK, so here are some of my thoughts. When you come back online you can respond to them or let me know what I may be missing.

danb :

Sarcasm can often be a sign of insecurity (if my memory serves me correctly I believe that scorpios have a reputation of insecurity i relationships especially). Joking and humor can be a way to ease tension, defuse situations, and to address difficult subjects without taking them head on. The problem is that people who use a lot of sarcasm usually find it very funny while others, not so much.

Customer:

Hi Dan, I am here online.

Customer:

It's ok if you don't know much about astrology.

danb :

One approach to this would be to say nothing. This would likely cause a lot of tension. It would definitely trigger his insecurity and would force a conversation.

Customer:

Ok.

danb :

Hi. OK great. I know the basics, I think.

danb :

How do you think he would respond if you simply ignored the comment?

Customer:

I think everything would be fine if I didn't respond

Customer:

He's a really nice guy and is usually serious most of the time. He is just sarcastic with me because he has a playful nature about him. That is what drew me to him in the first place/

danb :

OK. Because it sounds like he is getting the exact response that he is looking for, which encourages the behavior.

Customer:

Am I able to ask you a few other questions while we are online?

danb :

sure

Customer:

So, he brings my ex boyfriend up a lot. He will ask me "if I have spoken to my boyfriend" lately.

Customer:

I always react and say "he is not my boyfriend anymore. You are my boyfriend."

Customer:

And of course I no longer speak to my ex boyfriend anymore.

danb :

Sounds like he defininitely has some issues with insecurity and needing reassurance. How long have you guys been together?

Customer:

We have been together for 1 year and 4 months

danb :

OK. So there has definitely been some time since you have been together with this ex. Have you tried talking to him about these things outside of the comments and sarcasm?

Customer:

Yes, I have tried talking to him. I have told him that I no longer have feelings for my ex anymore and I enjoy Nick as my boyfriend now. He continues to joke about it

danb :

Basically, if you begin ignoring these types of comments they will begin to decrease. I should say that at first they will increase but if you keep ignoring them, they will decrease or go away. So, begin by saying something like, "I'm not going to address that anymore. I've told you I don't talk to him. When you continue to ask me about it, I feel __________. I want you to stop asking me that." From that point on ignore it.

danb :

The problem is that his insecurity will continue to come out in different ways, until he does something to deal with that which is likely the underlying cause of all of this. So you will continually be dealing with this in some form or another.

danb :

There are some really good books for couples to help build trust and reduce insecurity in relationships. Some for individuals and some for couples to work on together. Check out amazon and find one that works for both of you and go from there. This is probably the best suggestion that I can give because until you address the root of the problem, the behavior will just come out in different ways.

danb :

Is this helpful?

danb :

I am going to switch over to the regular Q&A format now so if you have any further questions or need me to clarify or elaborate please let me know. Also, feedback is appreciated as it is the only way I can know whether or not I am providing the kind of assistance that people want. Thanks.

danb :

You're back

Customer:

Thank you very much. That helps. I will take your advice. Do you have book titles by chance? I would love to get some of these. I really want to marry him someday and keep our relationship strong and loving, the way it has been.

danb :

sure. Let me look up my book list real quick.

Customer:

Thanks!

danb :

Relationship Sabateurs by Randy Gunther

danb :

When the Past is Present by David Richo

danb :

Daring to Trust by David Richo

Customer:

Thank you1

Customer:

!

Customer:

I will order those books online today

Customer:

I appreciate your advice.

danb :

These are three that some of my clients have found helpful and recommended. I don't have any of the more workbook style ones listed. They are more individualized, so just take a look and see if any look good.

danb :

Take care.

Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.
Sorry, I didn't actually mean to end so abruptly. If you have any follow ups please do respond and let me know. I will be happy to help out. Thanks.
Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience: Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Dan B. and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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