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Dan B.
Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
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I have recently spit up with my girlfriend she saw a counsler

Customer Question

I have recently spit up with my girlfriend she saw a counsler and wants to end the relatiobship , I have seen her a few tines since and can tell she still is attracted to me
but continues to want to end the relationship , she says her heart is not in anymore and has to follow her herat I still love her deeply and would like to reconsile she wants distance , I think because she can't cope with seeing me is there any chance here or should I just try and deal with my broken heart and move ahead
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.
I would like to help you with your question but feel like I need a little more information in order to be the most helpful.
1.) How long have you guys been together?
2.) Did she suddenly decide to end the relationship after seeing the counselor, or did she go to the counselor to make some decisions about the relationship? Or maybe you're not sure on this.
3.) How do you know that she is still attracted to you when you have seen her? What is she doing or saying that makes it seem that she is still into you?

If you can answer this for me as best you can, I think that I can give a better answer.

Thanks
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We have been together for 4.5 years it was dificult I started seeing her about the time she split from her marriage . I tried to break it off and told her that she should get all these problems out of the way and then we could start new . She said I was her pilliar and she needed me like a fool I went for it , we were a secret for 2 years and out of the closet for 2.5 years. I do love her deeply but get stressed from her needyness and compassion to keep a schedule even on the days off

I am not sure on that but I think she went to the counsler to help make her decision and get strength

I was in contact with her 3 weeks ago and she started hugging me and kissing me saying goodbye

She wants distance , I think the distance makes her forget and gives her strength or she feels with distance I won't be persistance

I have a health condition that some times makes me moody and I get stressed and am not very communicative

She is very physically needy , I can't hug her enough . The problem is I was in a downward sprial thinking about work and health problems and I have been really cold lately and have hurt her with some comments and have not been supporative

I need support and could never really ask for it because I felt I have to be the pilliar

What I can't get is she always told me if she started feeling distance or disconnected we would have to get counselling together but she has avoided that promise and decided I was hurting her and she needs me out of her life

Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.
There are a couple of things that may be going on.

The timing of you guys getting together makes things difficult. Anytime a marriage ends it is disruptive to a person's wellbeing. It doesn't matter if it is ultimately positive or what type of marriage it was; it is an emotional time and people have a reaction to it. Your initial sense of taking it slow was probably right. In some ways, you guys never really got to have your own relationship because of the way it may have been tainted or influenced by her marriage. You likely developed some patterns,etc., that were not sustainable such as you needing to be a pillar for her and thereby not having support of your own at a time when you needed it. It is also possible that over the time that you guys have been together her needs have changed, the problem being that she only knows how to "need" you in one way; a way that you haven't been able to do to the same level over 4.5 years (no person could). Additionally, she doesn't know how to be there for you because that is not what the relationship has been about.

So, the position that she is in may be that she is evaluating what her needs are in a relationship and finding that some of them are not being met. This doesn't mean that you can't ultimately meet them, just that your relationship has become kind of one dimensional and she may not see all there is to see about you.

Basically, my long winded answer is to get to the point of your question. I wouldn't count this relationship as definitely over. You guys made it quite some time to just suddenly end it. However, it will not be easy. My recommendation would be that she continue to work with her counselor and figure out what it is that she needs and that you let her do this, other wise it may just appear to her that you are getting in the way of her growth. When this process is done, she will likely have a better idea of how to care for herself and what she wants. If you are there and available at that time, and she can see that you can be more for her and she can be more for you. You may get back together.

You need to respect her wishes and requests at this time and give her the distance that she is asking for, but don't completely disappear, otherwise she will forget about you completely. You might want to find a counselor for yourself as a way to improve on your ability to manage your own problems and to show her that you are making changes as well. Unfortunately, outcomes are not great in couple's counseling when one partner is seeing an individual counselor and the other is not. This, I suspect, goes for relationships as well. When one person grows and the other doesn't, things don't generally work out.

So, don't give up hope forever, but short term does not look great for you guys being together. Think towards the future when considering getting back together and work to make positive changes so that you are ready if this time and opportunity does come. Also remember, give her the distance, but don't completely disappear.

Let me know if I have answered your question completely, or if there is anything I need to clarify. Good luck.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She wants space and distance now and has ended the relationship she says she has to follow her heart . I have agreed to give that to her.... no contact and distance . I guess it kind of feels like hiding which I am not doing other than the fact I avoid places where I may run into her it feels weird , but it appears she is . Question ; Supposing there is hope should I just let her make contact and avoid any circumstance where there might be ?
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.
I don't think you need to intentionally avoid these places for her sake. If it is painful for you and you need to avoid contact for a while, thats different, and often people feel like doing this. I don't think you need to go out of your way to change your life and things you might be doing just to accommodate her. Do respect her wishes for no contact though, so if you see her you still need to respect her wishes and leave her alone. If you can't do that then definitely avoid situations where you guys may run into each other.

As far as the relationship goes, you may find it helpful to give it about a month and then just reach out, unless that feels you're invading her space. It will really depend on so much that happens between now and then. But, if you can avoid talking to her or contacting her for about a month, it seems reasonable that at that time you could just check in and say hi. If she doesn't respond well to that, then you will know it is over. Be prepared for this relationship to be over though. That may not be what you want to hear, but it may be true.

There are no hard and fast rules. But, definitely give it some time and see how it goes. Take some time yourself and evaluate the relationship, figure some things out about yourself. This will put you in a better place if the opportunity does present itself in the future.
Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience: Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Dan B. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Continuing from above actually I have given m ex space , started couselling myself exersise daily but sadly enough I still really miss the connection . I am forcing myself to continue giving her space I keep trying to heal and tell myself that I have lost her and distance is the cure . My question is how long should I dare give this before attempt contact .I have tried to look at the pros and the cons and keep feeling that this relationship was well worth ever last ditch effort to reconsile . When she split with me she mentioned a lot of the way I used to be when we first got together I was alot happier then and out going . I am working on those skills again I lost then over the last 2 years over job fustration illness and her neediness . I am trying to recapture my old self . It is a battle to try and regain happiness when I feel so sad over losing her I guess that was the bottom of the barrel it made me relise how reclused and unhappy I had gotten . I guess my question would 6 months be to long to try and rekindle this relationship . that is if it takes me that long to find my happy self again. I have taken the summer off to get counseling and work on my health issues also get my physical well being back.

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