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Dan B.
Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
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Resolved Question:

I was hoping a relationship expert could give a second opinion on the topic in "already tried".
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.

danbayly :

Hi, I will see if I can help give you another opinion. Give me a moment to read through the other question thread and I wll get back to you shortly.

Customer:

sure

danbayly :

Hi. I just got done reading through your other post.

danbayly :

It sounds like this is a situation where you have a lot to lose, or gain. i understand wanting to get it right.

danbayly :

I think that just coming out and asking her to marry you is a bold move, which can sometimes pay off. However, the safer way to go would be to simply try getting back together first and then popping the question after you have a clearer idea of where things stand.

danbayly :

You obviously know her better than I do. Do you think she is someone who goes for the bold move?

Customer:

it is indeed a situation where i have to get this right - i just feel for the amount of times she has said that she wants to get engaged, and the big main problem that seems to lay over everything being that she isnt sure if she trusts/believes me when i say that i love her and her child that this would show her that i am being truthful and that i really do want this

Customer:

but, honestly, i dont know how she would react to it. i think it would secure in her mind that im absolutely telling the truth, but im not sure if she'd say yes

danbayly :

OK. The idea of showing up on the doorstep and proposing provides kind of the fairytale kind of thing (that lots of girls love). It would provide a wonderful story for you guys to tell... if it works. If the ultimate goal is to be married to her, I wonder if it makes much difference if the engagement is big and exciting or just ordinary. Are there other ways that you can prove that you love her? They too could be exciting and unexpected too. Then, even after just a couple weeks, after you get a sense of whether or not she will say yes you could surprise her again.

Customer:

i feel like asking her to marry me; getting engaged, would be the best way for me to declare that i am serious about the two of them and that i do love them. it would be something we would both remember for the rest of our lives (whether it goes in my favour or not is another question), but as in the previous topic i feel that i have exhausted every other option and im really not sure what else there is that i can do. it really doesn't feel like she has given up on me, or that she has let go, as she will still periodically tell me deeply personal things, as if we were still together. my hope is that by making her dream come true of asking her, that it will bring things rushing back to her and that she will remember why she loved me and why we should be together, as well as that im telling the truth

danbayly :

How exciting this is. If you're that certain that you want to do it in spite of the uncertainty, then you have to do it. That is what makes things like this wonderful. In order to win big you have to really take chances and put yourself out there. It sounds like you are aware of the uncertainty and willing to be hurt if it comes to that. Considering this, I think it's something that you HAVE to do. If you don't, you will wish you did.

Customer:

the only thing that holds me back is the concern that this could put the world of pressure on her and that pressure be too much, leading to me ruining whatever it is we had left and ending up with absolutely nothing (as opposed to an uncertain future)

danbayly :

That is one of the risks. I mean, there is definitely a safe way to do this, and this is not it.

danbayly :

I think it is admirable that you are thinking of how she may respond and the position it puts her in.

Customer:

im worried that im losing her and im willing to do whatever it takes to get her back, or to keep her. i have thought long and hard about this to ensure that if the answer was positive, given there's always the chance, that i am prepared for it and willing to go through with it, im just scared that this is the exact opposite of what i should be doing

Customer:

almost everything i read says give it time, wait 1 month, then phone and ask to come out for coffee etc - i just feel like we've never been "that" couple, we've always spoken on Skype everyday, even after the breakup (until this weekend) and i just feel like if i wait that long, im just going to lose her as she's going to drift away. i understand that the mind needs to start missing, but isnt it true that things like what i want to do can also help situations?

danbayly :

I don't think its the "exact opposite" of what you should be doing. It sounds like you should definitely be trying to do something to show your love and commitment, it's just a matter of whether or not this is the best display of that, or if it is best done in a quieter low pressure sort of way.

Customer:

i understand that it's very "movies" and "fairytail", and im worried that im setting myself up to just hear "no, i dont love you"

danbayly :

I think a lot of those guides are bogus. They are designed from one perspective, that is to get someone back at all costs whether it is approriate or not. I agree with you 100%, each relationship is different. Waiting a month may be way to long for some relationships.

Customer:

so, having read what you have, knowing what you do, would you do it?

danbayly :

Personally, I would not.

Customer:

what would you do?

danbayly :

But can you live with yourself if you don't? Or will you always wonder? There is nothing worse than wondering if you did all that you could.

Customer:

ill always wonder, but if it goes badly wrong then again, ill always wonder

danbayly :

I would focus on finding some way to prove love for her and her son. Maybe it's just coming around, bringing dinner, offering to babysit, home repairs, etc. Show first that you can be husband material. Take her out to dinner and let the relationship restart on its own over time. Then, when she starts talking marriage and that dream again, be prepared to pop the question in a very cool romantic, unexpected way. When you are more certain of the answer.

danbayly :

This is the lower risk way, that doesn't put pressure on her, and doesn't require you to risk so much. Its makes sure that there is still a relationship there, before you try to make it permanent.

Customer:

what worries me is it feels like the further down the line we go, the further away we're getting from each other. Last wednesday she promised to me that she would let me try at this again, but that she wanted some time first. Thursday she got annoyed at me because her parents spoke to her and wanted us to get back together, Friday she just said hello to me and she has not been onto skype since then

Customer:

it feels like i need to really show her how much i want her and how much i want this

danbayly :

It sounds like she is getting pressure from other sources as well. Given that information, I actually think doing this could be a mistake. Let her parents provide the pressure. You do the opposite, be available, but don't put her in a position where she feels pressured. While this may work at first and she may indeed say yes, I would worry about the relationship down the road. If there are some bumps down the road (and there usually are) you don't want her to fall back on a story that says: "I didn't want to get married in the first place, my parents were pushing me into it, you were pushing me into it, etc) This is actually a pretty common theme with couples that i have worked with.

danbayly :

the task of being a husband is very different than big displays that prove your love. It is the day to day things that make or break a relationship. I say, show her that you can do these things. That you will be a good committed husband beyond the proposal. Take advantage of the fact that her parents are pressuring her. Let them do that for you. You just sit back and be the good husband, as this happens her parents will notice. Eventually, you can pick your timing carefully and she won't refuse.

Customer:

im just not sure how im meant to be there for her if she has suddenly decided to stop signing onto skype - i mean, we have each others numbers and on facebook, but i knew that she only had me on skype and would only come onto skype to talk to me. as i said, it just feels the longer than im leaving things the more that im losing her

Customer:

im not sure how im meant to do that, though, when it feels like we've stopped speaking and haven't said a word other than 'hello' said friday (granted, not a lot of time, but even after the breakup we'd talk for hours per day)

danbayly :

I wouldn't necessarily wait any longer. Use your surprise idea, but just don't make it a proposal. Just stop by with her favorite food or something.

Customer:

so, swap a proposal to just showing up with some food for her/her son, having a short talk and then leaving?

danbayly :

Exactly.

danbayly :

leave her wanting more of you, not less :)

Customer:

wouldnt it also be the same as saying, the proposing would leave her wanting more, just as turning up with food or whatever would - because if she wants me, then she'll want to see me?

danbayly :

prove that you guys can have a good time with simple things. Then once you have both determined that there is something there worth having, take the next step.

danbayly :

I'm really afraid, that with pressure coming from all sides that she might freak out. Let her parents pressure her and you just be the laid back guy, who respects her wishes for a little more space, who is always there with the little things, who she can count on.

Customer:

the honest truth is that im concerned if i show up for basically no reason, it'll just annoy her

Customer:

its extremely confusing and hard - i feel like giving her the ultimate commitment will truly confirm in her mind that i love her, and giving the necklace option will let her decide over time whether she wants it, but it will absolutely secure for her that i love her

danbayly :

Well at some point, you have to take a chance. If it annoys her then that tells you something. If you're worried about that, then you can also give it a couple more days wait till you talk to her and then ask if you can bring over her favorite dinner.

danbayly :

Honestly, it sounds like you really want to go big on this. If that's the case, then just DO IT. There's nothing I can say that will alleviate all of your fears. Every scenario has benefits and risks. The proposal has the biggest benefit and the biggest risk. You know her better than anyone else does. If your sure that this will be the confrimation that she needs, then go for it. Make sure you get it right though. I think the script you had written out on the other question was quite good. Very romantic and heartfelt.

Customer:

this that we type now is public, right?

danbayly :

I think so.

danbayly :

We don't allow any identifying information, so that sort of thing would be covered up though.

danbayly :

Is there something you need to say?

Customer:

id like to show you the letter that i gave to her last week, that i also read to her

Customer:

but id prefer that it didnt remain in the public eye

danbayly :

It's probably best not to put it on here then.

Customer:

unfortunate, i think that might have helped

danbayly :

Can you give me the gist of it without revealing too much?

Customer:

i can probably show it and remove bits, two moments

danbayly :

ok

Customer:

Full Size Image

Customer:

okay, seeing as how that sources it from the net i can upload it as an image and then remove the file afterwards

Customer:

if that is okay?

danbayly :

That would be fine, unfortunately all I see is yellow though, nothing came through.

Customer:

it was just a test

danbayly :

Oh Ok

Customer:

Full Size Image

Customer:

if you could say once you have opened the image so i could remove it, that would be great

danbayly :

I have opened it.

Customer:

okay, as long as you do not refresh you will be able to see/read it - i have now removed it

Customer:

i will give you a few minutes to read that whilst i get a drink

danbayly :

ok

Customer:

im back - i like to think im quite good at typing these types of letters, but obviously im bias. the aim was not to give blame, but to look toward the future

danbayly :

It is a well written letter. So, what was her response to the letter?

Customer:

i gave this to her on tuesday, she said that right now she couldnt, that she wasnt ruling anything out for the future but that for now she wanted some space and time to herself

Customer:

we spoke on wednesday, she made a promise to let me try again, but that she would not promise we'd get back together

Customer:

thursday her parents had spoken to her and she got annoyed, she spoke to me about it but then spoke to me about some not so good news she'd got

Customer:

friday she spoke to me and said hello (that was it)

Customer:

we've not spoken since

Customer:

on wednesday, thursday, friday it was her who spoke to me, i was just around

Customer:

the reason for me wanting to ask her to marry me

Customer:

was because everything in that letter says i will do this, i can do this, but she said that "too little too late"

Customer:

she still looks at me similar, she'll still hug me and she still talks to me like she cares

Customer:

quite genuinely, there is nothing id like more than for to say yes if i asked, but im the type of person that always wants to make "sure" he's doing the right thing (even though that's impossible), and to understand what she may feel

Customer:

and, what i feel she may feel is that she's either going to be taken away by this geasture and be overwhelmed, or she's going to be a bit lost and confused

danbayly :

I think that's a pretty accurate take on what she might feel..

Customer:

my original plan was to wait out this week, let it get to friday and if she hasnt spoken to me by then, phone her and ask for for coffee - but, the more i think about that, the worse it seems because im not sure it will help anything and if it gets to friday i feel like i need to make a "real" effort, and not just try something tiny

Customer:

the original concept of asking her this was born from me knowing it's her dream, that she said she never dreamed id ask her back and that i was her dream guy

Customer:

i couldnt think of a more romantic, loving way to show her that i love her

danbayly :

I'm beginning to think that there is no right or wrong way. You have really put yourself out there. You have reached teh make or break point. Maybe the method you use to try to get back with her isn't all that important. I truly believe that whatever route you take, if your relationship is meant to be it will work, if not it won't. You sound like the kind of guy who goes all out. Stick with what works, do it.

Customer:

i try to be the best guy i can be - i know ive made mistakes, but i want to try and make it better

danbayly :

I hate to check out before a question is resolved, but I really need to be going. I am curious to know what you decide. If I have been helpful at all, please click accept and I will schedule a follow up email so you can let me know what you decide and how it works out. You sound like a really good guy. And I hope for the best for you.

Customer:

thank you

danbayly :

Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Something my grandpa used to say. I take it to mean, that it is more about what we make of our decisions and the hand we are dealt than the actual decision itself. If she says yes. You are on your way. In she says no, or needs more time, you will have to make the best of it. Take care.

Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience: Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Dan B. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.
I was just wondering what plan you decided on and how things were going. Well, I hope.

Dan

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Dan B.
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