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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Im considering asking my ex girlfriend to marry me. We split

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I'm considering asking my ex girlfriend to marry me. We split up about 2 months ago, but 4 weeks ago I asked her back. 1 week ago she said she couldn't because she isn't sure if she can believe how much I love her and her child.

I was planning on waiting until the end of the week to see if she talks to me (the last time we spoke was Friday) and then going around to her house on Friday and asking her to marry me, as well as saying this is proving how much I love you and that I want us to be happy together, forever.

We were together for 1 year 4 months, she's 21 and I'm 22, I was the one doing the break up, she mentioned constantly when we were together she wanted to get engaged and even after the breakup we spoke about getting married, how it would be and when.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

Were you able to address those reasons that led to you breaking up with her? Hopefully these are dealt with in order for you to move on without any unresolved past issues.

If the two of you have reunited and she's willing to give the relationship another chance, you can propose to her. See her reaction and you'd have a better idea about what she's feeling.

 

She may be frightened to rush into anything and you may let her know that you're willing to give her the time she needs. It can be both exciting and anxiety provoking to make major chances in life.

 

As long as you know that you love her and her child, you can let her do things on her own pace. The two of you can see how being engaged feels and what if any new challenges arise as a result of it.

 

How did she react to your letter?

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello,

We have spoken about the issues that caused the breakup and, as best they can be, they are resolved. The major part was that I was struggling to deal with the fact she had a child, but I think she believes that I am confident that now things are fine.

We are not yet reunited. We do still talk, often about personal things, but we are not a couple. This was said between us on Wednesday:

[06/06/2012 01:01:36] her: im nt promissing we will gt bk togeva but im nt saying a deffinative no
[06/06/2012 01:02:01] me: im just asking for you to promise that you will let me try
[06/06/2012 01:02:18] me: not for you to promise for us to get back together
[06/06/2012 01:02:31] her: ok then

She definately has not closed off the doors that we can get back together.

We have spoken about marriage in these past few weeks - She has told me what her dream wedding would be and when she wants to get married.

I know that in her mind getting married is her dream. She told me that she never dreamed I would ask her back and she has told me that I'm the guy of her dreams. When I was going to ask her, I was going to include "today is the start of your dreams coming true. One of your dreams came true by me asking you back, another came true by me being your dream man and today another of your dreams will come true, as I want to make you the happiest girl on the planet for now and forever..."

Her and her child have a hug place in my heart and I would like nothing more than to get them back and have them back forever.

Her reaction to my letter was somewhat positive. She said that she could not take me back "at the moment" and that she needed space, but that she has not ruled out anything for the future. I could see from the way she was looking and her facial expressions that she was fighting with herself, though. As if she wanted to, but just couldn't.

The reason behind me wanting to ask her to marry me is because:
1) It's her dream to get married
2) She loved me
3) I love her
4) I want us to work more than anything in the world

Whilst somewhat irrelevent now, she said that if I ever asked her I'd never have to be worried what the answer would be. She also said this after we broke up.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
The two of you had invested time and feelings to not try again. She appears to be open to trying. You could let her know that you would give her the time she needs if she wants to take things slower this time. You can still propose to her and let her know that by asking her, you're letting her know how you feel and how you would fee after a period of time. In order for her not to feel pressured, you could get her a ring and a necklace chain and let her know that she can chose to wear the ring on her finger when ready and on the necklace if she's hesitant. That way, she would still have the option of accepting without feeling pressured. You can also ask her how long would she like to be engaged before the actual wedding takes place.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I would appreciate more than anything in the world if, no matter what I say during this discussion, you can be completely honest and truthful with me and don't just tell me things that you think I want to hear. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX time and will be releasing the fee to you regardless of whether you say I'm being stupid, or if you think it's a good idea.

I only say the above as I have previously been told by experts exactly what I want to hear, and that's never a good thing.

The reason that I have come here, to ask about this, is because I know proposing will likely either make or break this, right? She asked for some space, and on the day that I am planning to do this it will have been nearly 2 weeks. Most "guides" that I read say 30 days, but each relationship is different and I feel like tackling this sooner, rather than waiting, will do more good than bad.

I want to propose to her because I love her, but also because I know it's her dream to get engaged and eventually get married.

What scares me is that it will put the world of pressure onto her. Her dream has actually come true infront of her, but she isn't sure if she wants it, doesn't know what to say (but -wants- to say yes) and is overwhelmed. Could this be a good thing, and let her wake up and realise just how much I love and want her, or could it be a bad thing?

I really (really) like your idea of buying both a ring and a necklace. Saying that she can wear the ring if she is sure she wants to get engaged, or the necklace if she is hesitant but can accept without feeling pressure from all around.

Quite genuinely, I want this more than anything else in the world. I feel like I have exhaused every option to get her back, and that whilst this is the most risky, it could be the one that works as she realises I've meant everything I said and I'm deadly serious about her. What do you think?

ps: I did not mean to come across as rude at the start of this message if I did. I apologise if I did.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

I was going by what you shared about her reaction. She had indicated to you that she's open to trying again. You also mentioned that the issues that had caused the break up in the past are resolved on your end.

 

Proposing does not have to imply pressuring her. You could let her know that she can take her time hence, you're also giving her the chain necklace.

She is the one that ultimately would decide what she wants to do because of her free will and your respect for it. Meanwhile, you can still talk to her and see if she'd be willing to meet for lunch (it does not have to lead to anything intimate/sexual) just talking, seeing one another, catching up on what each one is doing. If she is receptive to that, then you could have few such meetings before you pop the question. Go by what she's showing you she's comfortable with.

If she is afraid of something, ask her if she'd be willing to talk to you about it. If not, you accept that too.

 

You can ask her to let you know what is the most stressful part of the idea of being together again, what would she like to see happen differently and whether or not she believes it's possible to truly fix things and start a new chapter. You can acknowledge one of her fears about being a stepfather or a male figure in her child's life.

In the end it is not really that proposing would break the deal. It is what she wants and believes is possible.

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the thoughtfilled reply.

Would you mind reading my draft of what I would say to her, when we met up, when I asked her?

If so - Will you still be around in roughly 3 hours? It may take me a short while to write this properly.

Thank you again.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
You can post it under this thread.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

[name],

I think the space between us this past week and a half has been good. It has allowed me to clear my thoughts and I hope it has for you too.

The time and space has allowed me to reflect on everything and to make sure that I knew this is love. That this is worth every second and that the feelings are real.

Last week I made promises to you that I loved you. I made promises to you that I loved [your son] and I made promises to you that this, if you wanted it, is forever. I let you know that you are my dream and that I want to be with you forever.

Today will hopefully be a day that we both remember forever. Today I want to start bringing your dreams to life. You said that you dreamed that I would come back, and I did. You said that I was your dream man and hopefully today another of your dreams will come true and I will make you the happiest girl on the planet for now and forever.

You’re an amazing girl and I never want you or [your son] to leave my side, but I know that it’s time that I have to start showing you that not only have things changed with me, but that everything I have said is true. So..

(One knee)
[Name], will you do me the honour of becoming my wife – Will you marry me?

(Followup of the answer)
There is both a ring and a necklace here. This engagement ring is a symbol of my love for you. This necklace is a symbol that I will always be around for you, no matter what happens. I want it to be up to you which you wear. The ring when you are ready and the necklace if you feel hesitant. I want to give you the option of accepting, without feeling pressured all around.

I love you.

ring and necklace

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
It seems genuine and it gives her an option. You may let her know that she could wear the ring onto the necklace until she's fully ready to wear it on her finger. That could be another thing for her to think about (in the event that she's too nervous or frightened or even shocked when you propose)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you think doing this is a good idea?
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Isn't it what you want to do? You seem to have thought about this for a while now. The outcome would depend on how she feels. And, you're giving her options as well as letting her know of your intent. If she wants to consider reunification she can be open to this possibility. She's not completely broken the contact off. It may be good to see her a few times in person before you proceed w/ it just to see how she seems being around you.

She has free will to do as she wishes regardless of how you come across. This means, that even if you don't propose and wait some more, she could still decide to either reunite or called it quits because of what she wants in the end.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Dr Rossi
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Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.