I was married 20 years to a controlling woman that is very emotional torn. She was up one day and down the next. The only way she could find happiness was to tear me down so finally I divorced her. It was really ugly so like always I gave in and give her way more than I should have but that's okay. She told me she hated me, spit in my face, said she wished I wasn't the father of her children and that she wished I would be killed on an airplane as I always fly alot on business.Two years later, she was spending Cristmas at my house in honor of our three little girls wishes and we ended up in bed together. She said she was living with a king and never knew it so our relationship somewhat mended and she moved back in with me. I could not stand not waking up with the kids in the house at times when she was gone so I felt it would be better for the kids if we got back together and I truly meant to give the relationship another shot. Then, after a year and a half, we started having the same problems of old, she was not interested in sex although she would fake it at times to make up, she never picks up anything at the house, she can't carry her own phone without losing it or charging it so she can seldom be reached. And, every time we go somewhere that isn't in her comfort zone, she gets frantic and makes me miserable. If I am on a business trip, she is bound determined to call me and give me a big problem right before big meetings keeping me thrown off my game. I have always been a happy go lucky guy singing in the shower, and can't see nothing but the postives in life and this appears to really annoy her. However, if she succeeds in upseting me, she will instantly be in a good mood again. I told her I would try and live like this until the girls are 18, 16 and 15 but I got tired of being miserable to keep her happy.Two months ago, I asked her to leave which she did after a bitter fight with her spitting in my face again, saying she hates my guts and that she wished I wasn't the father of her children. She has told the children what a asshole I am, that I got a girlfriend and has been real successful turning them against me. She pulled the two youngest girls out of the private catholic school they were in evern though we agreed that is where they would go through the 8th grade verbally. Of course I gave in to her demands even though we both know it is not what is right for the children as she had turned the children to wanting to get out too and they were begging me to let them change schools.She took the kids out of away this weekend even though it was my weekend without my permission. We fought for a couple days over it and I finally gave in as the kids told me they never wanted to go with me. Again, I feel like they are doing this to make mom feel better since she is manipulating them. Then, once she got them to wherever she took them, something changed. She is texting me that she needs to repent for she can't live like this anymore. She wants to go away somewhere with me so she can get some baggage off her chest that has been there a long time. She says that she just needs piece of mind and is sorry for everything she has done to me, and everything she didn't do for me and that she hopes some day I will forgive her. She says that for once in our lives, she wants to live our lives as truly friends and that she has wanted to be my friend for a long time. She also says that she knows know why she was scared to be around me the last 30 years and wants to tell me about it. The girls are talking to me nice on the phone too as they know her attitude towards me has changed. So, what do I do. I would love to be friends so the kids will be happy but I have a feeling it is a trick to try and get me to go back to her. If I go back, everything will be normal for a couple months but the only way I can do that is to let her have her way on everything. I can't hardly stand to be around her though as she cuts me, my friends and family down at every chance she can. It seems to make her feel better. We do have three wonderful children so this is really tough.
I have taken her back several times after she gets better but it is only temporarlly. We both went to counceling to see what the problems were several years ago to one of the best doctors in the state. He prescribed her medicine for depression which she took two months and was great. However, even though I since that she takes the medicine every so often, she has refused for years to take it. I tried to get her to take hormone pills but she refuses and says there is nothing wrong.
As you can see, your wife has some serious mental Heath problems and she needs some help. I wouldn't be surprised if she suffered abuse Asa child and that's what she's now ready to tell you. Of course I could be wrong, but is likely some traumatic event in her past. I can't say that you should trust her enough to get back together with her. It would be great if you could influence her to get into treatment and work out the issues that are making her so unhappy. Since the medication helped her before, that would be a good place to start, but she also needs individual therapy. It might be a good idea for you to have some therapy of your own to address how this relationship has effected you over the years. You seem helpless to stand up to her or to truly end your marriage. I think you would benefit from learning how to he healthier even with an unhealthy person.
If I get along with her and she thinks there is a chance I will remain with her (which I don't want to do as I am exhausted being in the same position time and time again), I can get my relationship back with the kids at least temporarily. Should I go away with her to see what her problems really are? I am almost certain that when she finds out that I will not go back with her, she will turn on me and hate me again. Then, this whole thing willl start over again. However, maybe the kids will see that she truly likes dad as long as he will stay with her so they don't hold this all against me.
One more thing here. She has told me she has had thoughts about killing me before even when we were getting along. It is scary to me that she may do something to her self and/or maybe me at some point if she would find me with someone else.
With the last part about thinking of killing you, I wouldn't go away with her. Ask her to get some help before the two of you have a serious talk. She may get mad and throw a fit again, but it's past time you started setting some limits with her.
17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.