Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
Hi, thankyou for taking the time to talk to me
Im glad to help. I read your thread with the expert you spoke to yesterday. you are in a tough situation for sure.
he clearly is confused and that makes it all confusing to you.
It sure does. I tried calling him yesterday and didn't get through but he called me back to chat for a few minutes. I didn't pressure him about anything just told him I cared, respected that he needed time to think and that I am here for him. He said he is just so lost right now. I told him I love him and he said he loves me too.
well that is fantastic....that is a great thing to do...its warm, empathic and honoring his space of confusion.
I know he is scared of what our future could bring. He has always been a free spirit and I think he is scared that I will want to try to tie him down and control him. I'm not sure.
I think the best thing to do right now is to pull back a bit...he knows you love him, and let him have the time and space to get his head together.
yes and that can all add to it for sure, so if he can see that you can give him that space and live yourlife at the same time then he might feel safe enough to come back and reconnect
A mutual friend of ours whom I have talked to went to see him yesterday just to make sure he was doing ok. She said he told her he does still love me. She said he appears to her to be very devastated, lost and scared and just in a complete daze. She thinks even though he told me he doesn't want me there, that I should go over to him because she thinks that is what he needs is for me to be there to support him.
Support is always good as long as it doesnt cross what he has asked for. So you can go over and touch base with him...let him know you are there and love him and will do what he needs while he is going through this, but then give the space if that is what he still desires.
I am willing to give him space to think but how do I let him know that I want to be there with him to support and help him. I don't want to go there to badger or give him any ultimatums at all I just want to help him through this.
I dont question his love for you...he is just going through something and men tend to go inward to deal with things and women need connection so there is a big difference there
exactly what you just said to me, you can say to him....that is perfect.
and an ultimatum wouldnt work in your favor now.
It is a difficult situation. I would be living and working with him on a boat. I am prepared to go even though he said don't, but if it isn't working or is putting too much stress on him, I would leave.
genly loving support is what he needs with some time so he can process on his own what he wants and needs
Is it ok to call him to let him know that since I said I would back off and give him space or would it be best to leave it for a few days
I think space is what he needs and that living and working together right now could be too much pressure while he is going through this
I might leave it for a few days and sit with your own feelings around it. He loves you and knows you love him. If he needs you and your comfort he will reach out.
I wouldn't be there for another month so do you think that would be enough time for him to think about things and accept having me around?
very hard to predict and I wouldnt give that timeline to him either....that alone could feel like pressure since there is a deadline associated with him having to make a decision.
I would rather see you live your life, let him work on his stuff and see if you can reconnect naturally.
I don't want to pressure him at all or put any timelines on him because he is the type of person that would not take to that very well. I talked to the person we would be working for as he is a family member of my partner and a good friend to us both. I just wanted to let him know that I may not be going over to work, all tickets are already booked. He said I shouldn't worry about that right now and he said to give it a week then see how things are going. He said to keep my chin up because if my partner didn't want me in his life he is the kind of person who would be up front about it.
I would agree with all of that. so yes, lets get that chin up, focus on you, let him focus on himself and go from there.
do you think it is partially his own guilt over what he has done that is leading him to tell me not to go over?
He could be having guilt feelings and that is why he needs time on his own to sort it all out. so lets give that to him.
back to me, I am in a bind with this job also because I really do need to go to make some money
we wont have every answer to his behavior but we can have you to focus on you now and what you need and want around this....you are important too
well do what you need to do for yourself both personally and financially
also, he has tickets booked to come over here in september (we were going to be travelling back together). He said he would more then likely still come over so we could work things out then, but I do worry a little that its too far away and that he won't.
lets keep you focused on today only....as much as we would all like to see into our futures we cannot so dont add that pressure for yourself
I know money is everything but I do still need to make a living. I did try to point that out to him when he first told me about everything but I know now that he wasn't in the right kind of mind frame to be considering any of that.
so I guess I am torn as to what to do, go even though he has said not to because I need the work or not go as he says and struggle financially.
you have to make the choice as to what works for you
our friend who advised me to go said if it doesnt work out I can stay with her for a while and then decide if I want to come back home or not. will it ruin any chance of us working things out if I go when he doesn't want me to? I would rather talk to him face to face to explain my reasoning for going as I do think it comes across differently on the phone.
I am always for open communication but I just dont think he can handle that conversation now
so here is our plan.
take care of you
give him the space he is requesting while letting him know you will do what he needs to support him
make the decisions for your work and life based on what you think is best for you
we cannot second guess what he does or will do...you can only focus on you.
so I think that is the place to work from
what do I really have to lose by going? Everything is paid for already. There are no guarantees that if I don't go, that I won't lose him regardless is there?
then that is what you will do...as I said it is all up to you!!!
you get to make some choices.
he hasn't said we are not together, just that he needs space to think. so I guess we are still in a relationship really aren't we, even though things are all a bit uncertain right now?
yes he is taking the space he needs to figure things out. so you use this time and space to figure out what you want.
I guess everything has just crept up on him and is all now to much. With work being stressful and him having alot of guilt and now uncertainty and confusion with what he wants in life something had to give and unfortunately it was us. I don't completely understand why it has happened this was as we had no issues at all leading up to this so I guess that is what is hurting me the most.
it is so hard when we dont have an understanding and we can make ourselves crazy to try to figure it out. so just be and let things ride for a bit.
i think we have done some good work here together today and have a solid plan.
I am leaving my office in a few minutes so we will need to wrap things up.
end of the day I love him and want him. He makes me happy. I want my life with him and I thought he wanted his with me but now all this has thrown everything into doubt. But then I wish for him to be happy also.
but I think you are on the right track and know what do do...lets play it out and touch base as things are unfolding.
and he does still love you...give him the space to figure it out.
Thankyou for your advice and I look forward to talking with you again sometime.
anytime you need you can come back and request me. I am interested to know how it progresses.
Please click accept if our time together has been supportive and helpful. Thanks so much.