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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2928
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My fiance and i have been together 3 years but we dont live

Resolved Question:

My fiance and i have been together 3 years but we don't live together. He hasn't talked to me in the past week because he is angry that he found out that i had about a 50% share in a unit with my parents that was purchased more than 10 years ago. I haven't mentioned the unit before because we haven't discussed our assets in detail and it is money I haven't counted on as I'd have to discuss anything i did with it with my parents, also, it is money neutral so that the rent coming in pretty much covers the loan payment and it wouldn't affect our finances directly. I know some of what he owns although he is adamant that he has told me everything and he knows everything else I own. He believes our relationship is ruined because there is no openess. I think he is overreacting and it shows a materialistic interest. I am sorry I didn't tell him before because it is obviously important to him and I wouldn't want something like this getting between us.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry that this issue has caused such a problem. Do you believe there was a conscious effort on your part to withhold this information?

Customer:

No but I was in a long term relationship before and I lost a bit of money when that ended and my current partner thinks he is bearing the brunt of that. Except I don't think I was "hiding" the unit ownership to protect myself which is what he believes. This makes sense but I don't have any unresolved feelings from my last relationship.

CoachJenK :

I understand and it seems that your partner is having some issues of mistrust that may run deeper than what is on the surface

CoachJenK :

I think the thing to do is to keep reassuring him of what your feelings are around this and acknowledge what his are and try to see what is really going on for him around this....as you say he may be holding onto some resentments because of the past relationship and what he believes the brunt of that is.

CoachJenK :

but ignoring you for a week over this is not the healthy way to move forward.

Customer:

Yes. Also i hesitated when he said we should have a joint bank account because I like my independence and he thinks that reflects a lack of commitment on my part which I think is completely misplaced.

CoachJenK :

how have you tried to communicate with him over this?

CoachJenK :

when are you planning to marry?

CoachJenK :

and the joint account...would it be a new account or he wants you to put in what you have?

Customer:

we got engaged a year ago and are yet to make plans. i wanted us to move in together first and see how it goes before we marry. It'd be a new account with both our salaries going in to it.

CoachJenK :

it seems to me as if you are cautious and maybe rightly so, but because of that he is feeling a bit unsteady and with this new news of the unit it makes him feel less secure.

CoachJenK :

does that make any sense?

CoachJenK :

does he want to move in together?

Customer:

Yes it makes sense. We have been looking at rental apartments and houses to buy as he enjoys renovating but he is very picky and it has been 6 months of looking with nothing fitting the criteria. I am not too fussed but as he knows what the renovations involve he is better placed at deciding which house is best and i trust his judgement

CoachJenK :

ok. I think the best thing to do here is to invite him to spend some time with you and acknowledge how he may feel and although you see it differently you are certainly open to hearing how he feels and his perspective.

CoachJenK :

the goal here is to repair this sense of mistrust that both of you may be carrying around without even knowing it

CoachJenK :

you love each other and want to be with one another so this is where the work is right now

Customer:

thank you

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