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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1368
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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hello, i dont know whats happening to me, my relationship

Resolved Question:

hello, i dont know whats happening to me,
my relationship is creating me more anxiety.

I know i have alot of time on my hands. and i think alot..but i just dont understand what im feeling.

can you help me get to the bottom of what im really feeling.

We both moved back home recently we were living together been together 6months nearly.

I suffer from health issues-physical and mental. and so am highly sensitive and he has been very supportive but two nights ago he came to pick me up and i jsut felt different. WE went to his house and went upstairs to his room but i didnt feel affection.

one of his friends was trying to get involved in our relationship and this really set the tone for a bad night.

He tried to get clsoe and i havnt been well so i didnt. on teh way home i told him i felt unsatisified with our night and it didnt feel the same as we were living together.

i said you know im not well why are trying to get close..i jsut felt he shouldnt have tried.
then he starts saying stuff like he has wet dreams if he doesnt have sex for a long time.

its like do i really want ot know this..his 29..none of my other boyfriends shared this chilidish stuff.

anyway i came home..and in the car his like if ur bored jsut coming over to mine lets meet in 5 days and will do something nice.

i was just annoyed.who says that. he doesnt know how to talk, sometimes i feel his talking to a male and forgets im a girl.

i do find alot of the time the intimacy is lacking things, this is his first relationship.
i seem to be comparing him with my exs. i didnt have intimacy issues with them.

today he went fishing..to start being with his friends which is healthy , we were very stuck together for a long time.

then yesterday he rings and says u can come too..im like u tell me now..?? like 10 hrs later.

then at fishing he said his gna come past and then messagse saying he cant, friends are coming.

so thats when i got annoyed and i jsut thought his being inconsiderate, he knows im at home alot and he sent me all these pathetic messages that i should just be with someone rich and then i wont be bored.

I messagd him and told him how i felt.

his like your sister is right u get bored. and then i started thinking of all the negatives of him.

Why now..a few days after i moved in home i am thinking so negatively of my relationship.

I chose to leave the place we stayed ar because we had a fight and he got very angry and said things that really frightened me.

so teh last few messsages were if i love dhim i wouldnt be bored and not get annoyed at things..and he said i dont know why ur acting like this..we shouldnt be fighting.

i havnt replied.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.

Hello. It sounds to me like this is not the relationship for you. The person you are with should never cause you this much stress and anxiety. He should certainly never say things that frighten you when you are in a fight.

BUT..If you really want to be with him, you are going to ave to explain to him how you feel about the way he communicates with you. Talk to him about the intimacy issues you are having as well. You are going to have to express these things if you want a chance that things will change. You should both feel like you want to be close, not just because he will have issues if he doesn't have sex. It is great he seems supportive of you with some of your own personal issues, but how supportive is he really being if he is causing you all of these anxieties? If you need to sit and write down how you feel, it could be better for you to do this. This way, you can be certain to not forget things that you want to say and you can practice the way it sounds. HIs reaction to you and his desire to discuss how to fix the things in the relationship which are causing the points of stress, will show you what kind of person he is.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

im not in the right frame of mind to right anything down.

and talking to him i know is not going to help me right now..ive always been talking an trying to teach him what is not appropriate and what is in a relationship

he hasnt been in one

and im tired of it. I just dont want to talk..what will i say..he sent so many text messages and said things in there are have a point but also insensitive.

likei said he forgets im female and talks so coldy.

and im stuck at home in my room..

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Then it sounds like you have already made your decision. Maybe it's best to just move on and find someone who cares about you a lot more?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

he cares about me so much but when it comes to arguments or misunderstandings he takes it to another level and hurts me and doesnt know how to communicate.

We spoke last night but i felt strange. we have been so close and come so far letting go like that is hard. we have gone through worse,

to him letting go looks easy he delted me of facebook and i was so shocked after an argument and he hung up on me saying go find someone else if you dont like it, he takes me for granted.

but i dont know how we will get through this, his way of coping with problems is not mature and always hurts me and its not fair.

he wants to meet today, but i trully feel he has a split personality

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.

A lot of men who appear to have a split personality actually have control issues. It may not seem like that, but his actions are typical of a man who has some problems with controlling the situations that he is involved in. These types of relationships can be the most difficult to be in because he does have a 'good' side to him. A lot of women stay with men like this just for that good side. Of course walking away would be extremely difficult. You shouldn't expect it not to be.

You should trust your feelings, your gut instincts are usually right. If you feel awkward with him, take that to mean something.

If you want to fight for this relationship, by all means, try and talk it out with him. If he admits his faults with communication and makes a genuine effort to change, then go from there. If however, he tries to push the blame on you, then that is a huge red flag that you should heed. Listen to yourself and make the right decision based on how you feel. Leaving WILL be painful, but how does staying feel?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ok thankyou for your kind help. I will make the right decision in time.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Ok. Keep me posted and let me know if you need anyone to talk to, I'll be here.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thankyou we met today but were going to take it very slow, he has fears alot of them and he is expressing them wrongly.

He knows where i stand, i couldnt make love to him tonight and he knew things are going to be different from now on. i can walk away now but im not ready to do that.

I will give it go but remember to look after myself.

Thankyou

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I hope you told him that you felt he was expressing himself incorrectly. Maybe he will 'get it' and change his ways for you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

hope so..this isnt the first time he has done this,, apparently i pushed his buttons and he became insecure and thought when we got married iw as going to get bored of him and leave.

his childish and has no clue how to communicate.

will see..

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Ok. Just make sure you are always telling him how you feel and don't hold back just to avoid a fight.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

goodmorning.. i woke up today and i keep thinking about the fight and all the other fights and i feel really upset.

I love him so much but i dont know anymore if he really knows how much i love him because he is always doubting me during an argument and thinks im going to change when we get married. Ive shown him how much i love him i dont get why he gets so doubtful over and over.

I also feel scared of him his energy get creepy..i really feel he has two sides.

we had a great day and night last night but i feel he is trying to change me ..he said the fight was not necessary :you didnt have to say your bored at my place it made me feel like im boring and i do so much for you", he goes i know you can change and make an effort.and i just couldnt make love to him.

His like i want the best for you etc im like im not your child.

Then he said please tell me what to do to improve.. I said i cant anymore you have to believe and trust in me, i cant keep telling you how to be ..because i have been doing this alot in the past with him

in the beginning of the relationship w had many arguments because he kept getting influenced by people and he kept doubting me..hanging up one me..and this happened so many times. and we worked through it.

I have given him so many chances. then one day we had a really big fight because he was trying to side with my parents and not me when he knew how much they have put me through and he thought i was a liar.. he told me to get out of the house and hell kill me if i come back..yes thats how pathetic he is saying that crap.

i was kind enough to work through this with him too.. i went to his parents and told them what happened and they were very upset but we talked about it. and i stayed with him..but ever sisnce then i have been scared. like even when we have a small fight i just remeber that and i get so anxious

theres so many great things about us but theres also my fears and i feel i let him control me sometimes because im scared when i say something his face goes weird and he talks in a very cold and insensitive way.

his like i know what girls are like thats why i never had a girlfriend, he said he got hurt when he was young and he hated girls after that and he knows they change and his scared i might . Cox i said i get bored he hung up on me and said u need someone rich and he jsut takes it to another level. his immaturity level is gotten to me now.

i know no one is perfect and im not either. but weeve decided to take it slow. but i dont feel right.

hejsut called now and i jsut told him the truth tht i dont know if things will change and that how he said his gna kill me once.. im not over and when we have a fight i get scared of him.

his said you jsut show a little respect i said i try my best but u cant deal with arguments constructively and you lose your cool and temper and you hurt me and i dont think that is going to change .

he said if you cant get over that big fight before then we got to end it. so now his at work and im at home thinking about this.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
You shold never be afraid of the person you are with. You should always feel right and never feel uncomfortable to be with him. He definately has the traits of someone who has control issues. Threatening to kill you is not something to take lightly. I cannot tell you what to do, but I think you already know what you need to do. A relationship and certainly a marriage should be between two people who love and care about each other deeply. There are disagreements, but there is always a ppint where you are both best friends. You want to be able to feel like the man you are with will protect you in every way, not harm you. You should never change for anyone, unless the behavior is truly destructive to yourself. I'm glad you have decided to back off and take it slow. In my opinion, I don't think he will change, if control is what he is all about, which it sounds like it is.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

im going to miss him so much if we break up..were both going to hurt alot as we were soulmates at one point.

I just cant live in fear everytime theres a disagreement. I tried to get over it.. like we decided last night to take it slow..but what is that going to do..its like slowly waiting for another argument and im gna always be fearing that.. and when we do have a disagreement am i going to be feeling like this again scared useless and unloved.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Well, you have to decide which is more painful for you; staying in a relationship while with this man, or breaking up, walking away and learning how to be happy with yourself and someone who loves you, cares about you and is your best friend. Don't feel useless and scared. It's not healthy.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

but i cant understand how someone that loves you can say those scary things...

like u said he has control issues and whether you love someone or not he cant control his anger?

or was i too soft with him and he thought he could say what he wanted.

he said its all an act i would never hurt you..

and the fight we had a few days ago he lost it again..and hung up on me..its not right..

even when im angry at hime i dont carry on like that..and i have forgiven him for his anger and he is still acting like a child.

I feel right now scared..if i do end it he might actually kill me..what is wrong with me

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I don't know if you are into reading at all, but there is a book which describes the exact kind of man you are dealing with. It's called "Why does he do that; inside the mind of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. EXCELLENT book. None of this has anything to do with you. You did not cause this. This is who he is and how he deals with any situation. There is nothing wrong with you. If you feel genuinely scared of being harmed, then you need to contact the local authorities and tell them what is going on and possibly think about getting a restraining order on him. Laws are different in different areas of the world, so you have to look to see what your rights are. Don't take a chance on your life!!
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1368
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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