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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Hello Coach JenK, I have been talking with my ex for over

Resolved Question:

Hello Coach JenK,
I have been talking with my ex for over a month now pretty much everyday. He as been sending me Xoxoxos and tells me how much he loves me and misses me! On Monday we talked the whole day! He never told me he loved me so much! Then all of a sudden Thursday he goes cold...he sent me an xo in the morning but the conversation was so cold and distant! Then Friday rolled around and I sent him a message on Facebook that basically said...I just want u to know...I miss u and I love u. I never heard anything back from that!!! What do I do? I want to call him and ask him what's up? I know we are not together but why say I love u one day and not the next? It is so messed up...what should I do? I need some advice
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi welcome back

Customer: Hi
CoachJenK :

it sounds like more of the same to me...what are you feeling about it?

Customer: I am angry about it! It's really frustrating to hear him say I love u and then the next day ignore me! I don't understand...
CoachJenK :

I am with you on that....he does this push pull thing with you and it is very confusing for you.

CoachJenK :

I might suggest not reaching out to him at all....does that sound familiar? :-)

CoachJenK :

at some point you will need to figure out when you want to step off the merry go round until he can fully commit

Customer: I haven't really talked to him since I sent that message. Last night I sent a friendly message that said "well I see the rams won...congrats! Must me nice to go out with a win under ur belt' he replied about 30 min later...':) thank u and it feels good ūüėĄ I hope u had a good weekend! I haven't talked to him since except to say good morning in the hall...he did have a smile on his face..
CoachJenK :

sounds to me like it is time for him to reach out without you seeking him out....this has been going on for a long while.

CoachJenK :

i know how you want to be with him and how you love him but it must come back to you and not always because you have sought it out

Customer: Haha yes it has! Speak of the devil...he just text me! " it was good to see u in the am :)...I hope ur having a good day"
Customer: Do I reply?
CoachJenK :

wait a few minutes

Customer: Ok...I actually was lucky enough to take the afternoon off so my day is going really great!
CoachJenK :

is that how you will respond to his text?

Customer: Yeah something like that!
CoachJenK :

I like it...it is positive and shows you have not been sitting around.

Customer: I kind of want to wait a while to send anything...there is a part of me that believes he is doing this to make sure I am still there!
CoachJenK :

so moving forward let him come to you a bit...you dont always need to be the one to initiate.

CoachJenK :

yes well that is his whole push pull thing

CoachJenK :

let him iss you a bit

CoachJenK :

miss

Customer: Yeah ur right! And I have been doin that a lot the last few days...I think I got caught up in the lovey Dovey stuff on monday
CoachJenK :

yes and that is natural...you were on a high...but let him want the lovey dovey stuff too

Customer: Yeah! I am glad I didn't respond last night or send anything this morning...I was very tempted!
CoachJenK :

I know you were...you love that texting nonsense. :-)

CoachJenK :

but it doesnt help him miss you...always accessible.

Customer: Yep! Very tempting too! Should I respond now? Haha
CoachJenK :

omg you are crazy...what did you wait 3 minutes?

CoachJenK :

I looked on the time stamp you waited 9 minutes...

Customer: Haha...I was just kidding! :) I'll give it like 30 min...after all I got the afternoon off I'm not just sitting bored at work
CoachJenK :

yes go out and do something and then text until your fingers hurt.

Customer: ...he needs to sweat a little
CoachJenK :

amen!

Customer: Haha
CoachJenK :

come on get some confidence in yourself and know that you are worth it

Customer: I am worth it! I really think it bothers him that I haven't been texting him the last few days...I just went cold!
CoachJenK :

and that is what I have been saying all along....i am not a game player but it is more about not always being the one to seek it out and to let him miss you and want to reach out

CoachJenK :

so whats our plan?

Customer: Exactly! With me texting him all the time he can't miss me...I just caught up in everything and really almost panicked when I didn't get anything back from my fb message...that still bothers me
CoachJenK :

yes and that is what he does...so be cool and calm

Customer: My plan is to wait until 2 then send a text that says "it was good to see u too :) and my day is going great...I got the afternoon off...gotta love a Rain Day :)...hope ur having a good day too"
Customer: Is it too cheery?
CoachJenK :

you are so funny!

CoachJenK :

you can just say..having a great day since I have the day off. Hope yours is great too.

Customer: I kind of want to rub in the fact that I'm not at work...we work together and I know he is out in the rain right now :)
CoachJenK :

nah that wont help your cause...light and sweet..

Customer: What about? ":)...good to see u too...my day is going great now that I'm not at work :)...hope urs is great too" altered yours a bit but is it light and cheery enough?
CoachJenK :

yes perfect

Customer: Ok we got that...but what about talking to him about this whole I love u talk and then nothing?
CoachJenK :

noooooooo

CoachJenK :

just let it be and let him come to you on all levels

CoachJenK :

his behavior does not influence your moods....get it?

CoachJenK :

so let it be for now and let him come to you and want to be lovey dovey

Customer: Ok...I'm glad I waited! I almost sent a very cold letter to him...I was very frustrated yesterday! I know he doesn't know what he wants right now but telling me he loves me only keeps me here...without him
Customer: Ok...I just need to be patient!
CoachJenK :

yes but that cold letter wont serve you and your eventual goal....he has no clue what he wants so play it loose and dont stop your life while he firgures it out

Customer: Exactly and that's what I was starting to do! I got caught up in it and I knew it! I think that's why I sent that fb message...I felt like he was slipping away but actually I was starting to smother him
CoachJenK :

yes play it loosey goosey

Customer: Yep...I need to start thinking about me again! After all I am number 1!
CoachJenK :

yes that is what I want to hear!

CoachJenK :

will you keep me posted?

Customer: Ya know I just looked and this is the first time in a few days that I have two messages in a row from him...and not a response from me :)
CoachJenK :

atta girl!

CoachJenK :

seeeeeee?

Customer: Feels good...I feel a little in control!
CoachJenK :

no in five minutes respond...same thing as we said above

CoachJenK :

As I say in my house...Momma knows! :-)

CoachJenK :

*now

Customer: Haha! Ok...I can wait five minutes :)
CoachJenK :

ok. so let me know how it all goes.

CoachJenK :

be strong. be confident and let him miss you and pursue a bit

Customer: Will do but he's probably not going to respond right away
Customer: Yes I need to get back on that road!
CoachJenK :

thats okay. dont play into that...its not a game.

Customer: It feels good to be pursued! :)
CoachJenK :

yes it does!

CoachJenK :

Ok so i need to start wrapping it up....signing off for a bit. Is that okay?

Customer: Honestly I really think he is sweating a bit! Usually I send him something in the morning and respond immediately
Customer: Yeah that's fine!
CoachJenK :

well we dont want to play a game only to be true to ourselves.

CoachJenK :

and not be the only one to initiate.

CoachJenK :

relationships are about mutuality

Customer: Exactly! :)
CoachJenK :

so keep all of that in mind!

CoachJenK :

so hopefully you have found our time together again helpful. If so please click accept and then come back to me anytime you need.

Customer: Will do! Thank you so much! As always I feel much better about everything after our talk :)
CoachJenK :

I am so thrilled to hear that. so come to me anytime when you need that boost!

Customer: I will thank you very much!
CoachJenK :

my pleasure

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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