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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I met a wonderful girl about a month ago. She really is everything

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I met a wonderful girl about a month ago. She really is everything I have ever wanted. Very beautiful, intelligent, caring, open-minded. I myself am an attractive and successful man.

She (23) is nine years younger than me (32) & I have been for the most part single for 2-1/2 yrs. I feel like I have been patiently waiting for the right one to come along and this girl is absolutely a dream come true.

I have fallen for her so fast and she is definitely just as 'wooped' if not more. We are both so struck by the lovebug that things seem to be in a bit of a whirlwind. I mentioned to her that if she felt like she needed space that it was okay, and that I do not want to be a distraction to her.

Everything I say and do seems to bring her closer to me.
I was trying to maybe not see her for at least a day or two, but then every day/ evening she wants to see me and I give in. We have been hanging out and sleeping together almost every night for the last two weeks.

I am trying to be cautious because I do not want things to burn so hot that they soon flame out when we come down from the clouds.

I am a true pisces and I feel like I am in a fantasy world with her.

I have never wanted to be in love with someone so bad in my life. She has been 100% receptive to everything I throw her way and it seems to good to be true.

I have been trying to hold back a little bit, but every time I tell her how I really feel she just kinda melts and her heart skips a beat.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.


You are wise to be concerned and cautious. But the strategy you want to use to reflect your wise caution is not workable. I'd like to offer a different strategy.


First, your strategy is to try to hold back. The idea is that if you move slowly, you'll be better able to make decisions that are good decisions and to not have the fire burn out as well.


But we aren't built that way: if you're emotionally on fire, you aren't going to get anywhere by artificially dousing the fire. So the alternative strategy?


Go fast, feel your feelings. BUT, don't make any long term decisions until the fire has become more manageable and you are both more rational about each other.


There's no reason to be rational and calm and collected right now. Be hot and giddy, that's what you two feel. Just don't let the present emotion guide your future life. Make an agreement to take it one week at a time right now, to really, really enjoy each other. If after a series of weeks that have become some months the two of you see that you really have an abiding connection to each other more than just the heat of the passion, then you can begin to make some long term decisions. Until then, it's not the right time.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. You are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She also just got out of an extremely abusive relationship 3 months ago. It was so bad that her ex is serving 3 years in prison for beating her repeatedly of the course of 2 years.

I thought;
(1) I couldn't imagine how someone could do such a thing to a beautiful and trustful person
(2) How could someone with so much going for them stay in this terrible situation and still be bailing him out of jail until the last time when she got beat so bad that her arm was a compound fracture and her leg was busted.

After thinking about it for a while I realized just how loyal she is and how she protected this guy through all this crap.

I know that some women get into abusive situations over and over again. This one seems different and she really likes my more gentle nature.

I am definitely not a push-over and have set some rules for and she seemed to like that. I am a nice guy but also do have a bit of a bad-boy reputation and she likes that too.

Do you think this past of hers is something I should be worried about?
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Good question.


It is only a warning flag in the following sense:


Some women who are in abusive relationship are normal and got duped into it. Let's hope she's one of them. But other women were abused as children or had mothers who were in abusive relationships. And this becomes part of their own mental health issues that they carry along with them. And so they tend to gravitate to abusive relationships. But more than just that, they can turn relationships into abusive relationships in subtle ways, subconsciously. How?


By playing on the guy's tough side and after a while being stubborn about silly things or just oppositional and very frustrating. And the guy starts getting mad and they (all subconsciously) begin to encourage that as part of the relationship. And the potential abusive part of the guy which he never really thought about or wanted to bring out into reality becomes a big part of him before he realizes it.


So again, we don't know. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt: many women get duped into abusive relationships. She is most likely that woman too. But this is a good reason to let the relationship develop without making long term plans or decisions.


Keep an eye on yourself is what I'm saying here. Make sure you're not catching yourself becoming more and more short tempered and she isn't getting you mad more and more often as the relationship develops. So, for now, enjoy, relax, help her get over him. And just watch what happens.


I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. You are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships