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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I met my boyfriend of 14 months while I was separated from

Resolved Question:

I met my boyfriend of 14 months while I was separated from my spouse and he was still living at home in a broken marriage. My divorce was finalized two months into the relationship. He did not leave his house until five months into the relationship. He still has yet to file for divorce. His life is extremely complicated trying to save his business which is not doing well that he has owned for 30 years, dealing with maintaining two households, feeling guilty because of leaving his child (15) and his two grown children. Our relationship has been wonderful. We do not fight, have jealously issues or anything. We have a great time together. Six months into the relationship he told me that he loved me. Now, fourteen months later, he is telling me that he needs a break because he feels things have "shifted" and that he is not sure where his head is or where his heart is. He said he feels as if his "head is going to explode" because he is "spinning too many plates". This has devastated me. He tells me that it has nothing to do with me that "it's him". He said that rather than breaking up let's try to "take a break". It has now been three weeks. We have talked occasionally and have seen each other once. This past week we made an agreement not to talk for an entire week. He said he is not doing this because he wants to see other people. He explained to me that when he decided that he was going to move out (before I was in the picture) he wanted to just concentrate on his son and straightening out his life. He was not planning on meeting me. He says he has been very lucky to have met me. He just doesn't know now if he should be in a relationship because he feels he is "broken" and needs to "fix" himself. We have plans to talk on Tuesday and I just don't know what to think of all of this or what position I should take. I have read numerous articles on this and I see the best thing to do is to give him his "space" and go on with my life. I am just beside myself and I do not know what to do. I love him with all my heart. I feel very blessed to have met such a wonderful man. I know I can't force him to stay, but I don't want to lose him. I don't think he wants to leave the relationship. I do think that he is going through that confusion state that happens after ending a marriage. I went through it as well. You need time to find yourself and figure out who you are again. I was in the same boat while with him, but managed to muddle through it because I fell in love with him. I just don't know where to go from here.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Customer:

Hi!

CoachJenK :

Hi

CoachJenK :

You have wonderful insight.

Customer:

thank you.

CoachJenK :

I know how much pain you are in and I think he is also doing a great job by letting you know where he is with things.

CoachJenK :

I know you probably feel if you give him space you will lose him, but more likely if you dont then you could lose him

CoachJenK :

I know you understand that intellectually but the heart isnt there...that is okya

CoachJenK :

*okay

Customer:

exactly

CoachJenK :

you want to hold on tighter and get him to realize!

CoachJenK :

but honoring his space and how he is spinning may free him up in a way to come back to you when he is less dizzy.

CoachJenK :

it truly is the only way

Customer:

i have never been so upset over something like this before. I don't understand. Our relationship wasn't bad.

CoachJenK :

not without excruciating pain for you, i know

CoachJenK :

and it still isnt bad...it has all to do with things going on in his life, divorce, business, son, etc.

Customer:

i have cried every day forthree weeks.

CoachJenK :

Its a lot and he is overwhelmed

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear that but I am glad you are letting yourself feel it all

CoachJenK :

I think the best thing you can do on your call on Tuesday is to let him know how you support him even if it is not your choice to be taking a break, you honor what he needs

Customer:

It hurts and I am not sure what to do. We are supposed to talk on Tuesday after not having talked for a week.

Customer:

I have told him that I understand and I truly do because I went through similar feelings after my divorce, but the thing is that I don't understand what I am supposed to do.l

CoachJenK :

you dont have to hide how you are feeling...you can support him and be honest how hard it is for you

CoachJenK :

when you went through it...what would you have wanted someone to do for you during that time

Customer:

Do I say hey, I support you, but I can't stop my life for you. When you get it together let me know. Or do I continue with the agreement that we not see other people and give this some time to "see how it plays out" as he said.

CoachJenK :

That is up to you...it sounds to me like you want to wait for a bit..tell me if I am wrong but the first stance does not seem like you.

Customer:

I went through it when I was with him. I kind of dealt with it on my own. We didn't really discuss it. But he asked me at the time if I wanted to take a break to get my head together and I said no. I really didn't want to risk loosing him at the time.

Customer:

The first stance is NOT me at allo.

Customer:

all.

CoachJenK :

That is what I sensed...so option two it is!

CoachJenK :

BUT

CoachJenK :

while you are waiting that doesnt mean you let yourself fall to pieces...you take care of yourself, you exercise, you focus on other things that fill you...whatever they are

Customer:

I want to give it a shot. I think we are good together. I didn't know that he was thinking about us getting married and moving in together. We had never discussed this until the talk of a "break" came up. I said why are you putting that kind of pressure on yourself if you are not even divorced yet.

CoachJenK :

and these things will bring your power back because you feel powerless now

CoachJenK :

all of his pressure is made worse by his internal pressure

Customer:

I've been doing all of that. Working out, getting out, etc. I am doing everything that I read that I should be doing. It just hurts so bad and I have no patience. I don't want to hurt every day. Sometimes I wonder if I am better just cutting this off and hoping that he comes back.

CoachJenK :

only you know what will work for you but again just because you cut it off doesnt mean that your pain will lessen and quicker.

Customer:

i feel like i am in limbo

CoachJenK :

Does he ask you to wait in a sense?

CoachJenK :

you are in limbo and that is a terrible place...hurts very much and causes a lot of anxiety...so lets figure out what will help you to feel better

Customer:

we made an agreement not to see other people during this time

Customer:

yes. i am so anxious. it is horrible.

Customer:

i have knots in my stomach every day.

CoachJenK :

I think that is great and that shows you that he loves and cares for you

CoachJenK :

of course because you love him and want him and want reassurance that this break will allow you to be together

Customer:

exactly

CoachJenK :

but in truth none of us on any given day have any guarantee of anything

Customer:

i know. i was happy. it was just all taken away from me in an instant.

CoachJenK :

but we all wake up every day with the presumption of continuity and consistency and that is where you must arrive

CoachJenK :

Yes it has.

CoachJenK :

I am hoping it is just on the back burner while he heals.

Customer:

nothing is going to make me feel any better. i am still as upset today as i was three weeks ago when he did this.

CoachJenK :

ok so then we need to accept that you will feel like crap no matter what....but you are willing to go through it because you love him and have hope

Customer:

i don't really have a choice

CoachJenK :

your choice is to close your heart and walk away and feel hardened...but that is not you.

CoachJenK :

so cry, scream, feel what you feel and be the incredible women you have been that had him fall in love with you in the first place!!!

CoachJenK :

*woman

Customer:

i just don't understand why you need a break from something if you like it. shouldn't you use that person to help you when you are feeling lost and confused and broken?

CoachJenK :

would you be willing to listen to some self hypnosis cd's?

CoachJenK :

yes but men and women handle those things differently...men go inward and women find comfort in the connection

Customer:

sure. that is how i quit smoking 10 years ago.

CoachJenK :

nice!

CoachJenK :

www.stevegjones.com

CoachJenK :

awesome stuff. he has stuff on anxiety, relationships, finding inner peace. take a peek when we are done and you can listen to clips too and find a topic that can soothe you

CoachJenK :

listen at night before bed and you will feel calm and stronger

Customer:

maybe that will help. nothing so far is helping. today is particularly hard for some reason. i really miss him today.

CoachJenK :

Sundays can be like that...family day, lazy day, doing nothing together day

CoachJenK :

i hope our time together is providing some comfort to you

Customer:

it is,

CoachJenK :

I am glad...i understand all that you are feeling.

Customer:

so basically i should just let him call the shots for a little while longer

Customer:

and just keep doing what i am doing

CoachJenK :

unfortunately if you call them it might just cause him to walk away since he feels like so much is on his plate

Customer:

true

CoachJenK :

so yes do what you are, be that incredible women, keep it light when you talk, show him how much there is to miss.

CoachJenK :

and you can come to me anytime you need an ear, to vent, scream, cry or anything.

Customer:

tuesday seems a long way off

Customer:

and it is only a day really

CoachJenK :

its close....the day after tomorrow!

CoachJenK :

focus on you and it will go quicker

CoachJenK :

be strong!!! and strong when you talk

Customer:

i will try not to be emotional, but that doesn't really work. lol

Customer:

when i hear his voice i cry

CoachJenK :

just be you!

CoachJenK :

I can imagine!

CoachJenK :

I feel for you.

CoachJenK :

I have good feelings about it.

Customer:

i'm glad you do. i certainly don't.

CoachJenK :

well Ill lend them to you when you need them

CoachJenK :

I wouldnt say that just for fluff.

CoachJenK :

the fact that he has told you that he doesnt want to see others during this time speaks volumes.

Customer:

:O)

Customer:

really?

Customer:

i just don't know what to think

CoachJenK :

yes...hes a man.....

Customer:

my mom thinks i am overreacting

CoachJenK :

isnt it annoying when Moms may be right?

Customer:

i know

CoachJenK :

and maybe just maybe this one time she is right

Customer:

well i hope things work out for the best. i truly love him with all my heart. i wasn't even this upset about getting divorced. lol. i wonder if this is so hard because i went straight out of my marriage into this relationship.

CoachJenK :

of course and it brings up your fears around loss that we all have and because you love him. but hang on, be strong, be the wonderful woman you are and let him love and miss you.

Customer:

thank yo.

Customer:

you.

CoachJenK :

my pleasure. come to me anytime.

CoachJenK :

please click accept if you have felt supported

CoachJenK :

I am here anytime you need.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I am checking in on you. I know you had your phone call today and I want to make sure you are doing okay. Hope you are staying strong.
Jen

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