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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I emotionally cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years. She looked

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I emotionally cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years. She looked through my phone during a vacation. I did not deny what I did. I owned up to it. My ex is a commitmant phobic person. Never trusting anyone. In the fours years she always pushed me away. Breaking up with me constantly. But I stood strong and fought to get her back. I know that she was flirting, having crushes with outer guys but she claims she never left me for them. In the beginning we were hot and heavy. For the past 3 years, we hardly kissed, touched or made love. She rejected all of my advances. In January I meet someone (while we were broken up) It was this April when my ex told me it was I who she wanted and she realizes that now. and wanted to work. I told her she messed me up emotionally. to that she said she would show me how true she is. It was also this time where the flirting between me and the girl intensified. I never went out or had any physical intimacy with her. I told my ex many times of the lack of romance but she never did anything. I love my ex and know we are meant to be. I never fought so hard for anyone before. I know what I had but was so angry that all of m fears and complaints I told her about went unnoticed.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Hello Rafael

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation. Could you please clarify what you said about cheating. You had this 'emotional relationship" while in the relationship with your "ex-girlfriend"?

Customer:

When I texted this girl is was flirtatious things like I wish I could see you..etc. They were things I wished and hpped my ex could have been saying to me

Customer:

No here is the thing. It was in April when my ex said she wanted to give it a try. We never spoke about becoming boyfriend and girlfriend again. We just got back into it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, you were longing for the intimacy, closeness, passion and romance you did not have for long in your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Customer:

It was never there. We only had sex twice and that was in the beginning. And then everything died.

Customer:

No matter what I told her she just avoided the subject.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From your story i imagine you still feel concern about the very important "missing" aspect in this long term relationship. In all those years?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you were trying to work on it but her avoidance just made it that impossible?

Customer:

Yes I told her that I missed her missed us. I tried to make advances but nothing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then what has changed now for her to feel it would work fine, and how do you feel and fear about it?

Customer:

Mind you she did have an incident years about with her best friend (male) which put her off to sex

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you were living more like friends.

Customer:

She just relaized I would always be there. Its like I allowed her to be who she wanted.

Customer:

Exactly! I told her that. I told her she never was a girlfriend.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said she has this "phobia" around commitment but I see it is also related to sex life. When a person does not work on personal issues, then such issues would literally shape and undermine any relationship, so it is unrealistic to expect things to work fine as a couple while she remains living with unresolved issues.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid you end enabling the whole situation, the avoidance, the lack of intimacy and no sex between you.

Customer:

I agree I told her that in an email. I enabled her. What throws me off was the fact that in April she said I was teh one for her and was willing to work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : That makes sense considering you were together for years under such dynamics.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Now you need to be very truthful with yourself and honest towards her, about you core feelings, needs and expectations. You would not want to perpetuate the very same relationship you created and kept for so long.
Customer:

I know what I did was wrong. But she refuses to accept her doings.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Without each of you holding full accountability for your own actions in the relationship,, it would be hopeless and no real improvement would happen.
Customer:

I hold mind. I admitted to to I even forgave her for how she treated me

Rafael M.T.Therapist : I recommend professional counseling for her to work on her personal issues, including those undermining her ability to be and work on creating healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You would need to work on yourself to eradicate any codependent trait which could perpetuate self-sabotage and enabling of dysfunctional situations.
Customer:

What do you mean by codependent trait? I know we are taking time apart but what do I do or say in the mean time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, I was dialoguing with you in the chat interface when suddenly the system did not allow me to remain in the chat, showing another expert locked the session and was replying to you. I am very sorry, this should not happen at all. Only now the system has allowed me to get back into our session but I see you are already offline.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me retype my last reply: By codependent I mean any behavior or tendency based on passivity, allowing, permissiveness or enabling reinforcing unhealthy behaviors, attachment and ways of sharing in relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good to have you back online.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When you told her you were living more like friends than as a couple, you were being honest confronting a distorted approach to your relationship, and this is exactly what I mean by a healthy approach for coping with present situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You keep being very honest and direct about everything, you confront unhealthy behaviors whenever you happen to have a chance to dialogue and both show willingness to reflect on what happen and what would need to change in order for you to have a real chance for a real mature and healthy relationship and not a friendship, one that's not what you expect from it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

It does. But what do I do for now. I will keep on fighting. And to be honest this might sould that I am being hopeful. But I know she will be back. This is very bad what is happening. But what do I do or say to her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My recommendation is for you to be totally honest about anything you may tell her, since without it there is no way you ro anybody else could create a healthy and fulfilling relationship. You have been together for 4+ years and it is time to be absolutely real a, honest and open if you want to have a real chance to start working on building or anything good together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your fight here would be only about your own past patterns enabling what you did not want, like nor deserved, and confronting what is dysfunctional in your ways of sharing,feeling and doing things.

Customer:

She texted me this morning asking bout how I was feeling. I didnt respond at first because I had no Idea what to say. She said she was very angery with me but that does not mean that she does not care for me. She stated that she does not what to talk to me right now. Which it seems she might want to talk to me later.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Ten respect her boundary, give her time and space while working on yourself. You need to be clear about your feelings, what you are truly willing to afford or not in this relationship, otherwise you would be perpetuating the very same pattern over and over again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see you truly care this person, and for you to have been there for 4+ years with practically no sex life nor emotional intimacy, says a lot. But for things to change, each of you need to make real change, that takes time, effort, hard work and most times professional support, even more considering her serious issues around commitment and sex.

Customer:

You are right.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A good thing here is that both are willing to work on it, just need to work on necessary changes for this to be a real opportunity to develop something healthy and fulfilling instead of perpetuating past dysfunction.

Customer:

She does need to want to work on herself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely!

Customer:

My worry is that she doesnt see or understand why I did what i did. It was never to hurt her. It was more of a cry for help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why she needs to look for professional counseling support otherwise she would keep and reinforce her blindness about her own problems and dysfunction, and would not be able to get out of the vicious circle you created in the past 4 years.

Customer:

I really thought I was helpoing her by accepting who is is but i realize i was actually hurting her more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Without her being aware of her personal problems, the willingness to work on self taking full responsibility for her choices and actions, there is no way things could improve for her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, and such approach took you to do what you did, to start looking for a little bit of what you were neglecting for so long.

Customer:

THis will be hard to answer but. What did it mean for her to finally after so many years come to me that one day that she realizes that I am the one for her. With what I did didnt that just ruin her?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you did was based on a good intention but was unhealthy, based on a codependent approach fueling and reinforcing the very dysfunctions in her and the one you created together in your relationship. Both did have good intentions and did what you though was the best, XXXXX XXXXX were already conflicted, feeling empty, unsatisfied, longing for real intimacy and fulfillment, tried to motivate her, but end being permissive allowing her avoidance and reluctance to shape the relationship. Now you are aware of reality and can do things different as an individual to take good care of yourself and in relationships.

Customer:

Ok. I hate what i did. I just want her to forgive me and work on herself then hopefully there can be an us. But i tried my best.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you. Please work on yourself and be consistent taking necessary actions for your personal well-being and to play a constructive role in her life.

Customer:

Thank you I will!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me for any further support. Bye.

Customer:

I will. Enjoy the rest of your day

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You too. Thanks. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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