How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask KansasTherapist Your Own Question

KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
KansasTherapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been with a French man for about 5 months and we are

Resolved Question:

I have been with a French man for about 5 months and we are engaged now. He lives in Paris and I live in NJ close to NYC. We have been visiting each other every other month. He is a very nice sweet gentle person who has a descent carrier. I started to notice that he is very insecure when he is not with me (with skype and email) he thinks I maybe seeing other men. He insists that I shouldn't contact with other men and I shouldn't dance Tango, which was my 10 year hobby. And he started to accuse me for details of things usually related to other men or something I argued with him about my discomfort which he thought I was cruel and terrorizing him which is completely psychotic victimized idea. He left NJ very happily about a week ago and now he is crying and screaming (he will break up if I don't agree that I will never contact other men). I had this kind of relationship 25 years ago, my boyfriend became obsessed with me and became abusive. I convinced him and he agreed that he needs to be treated professionally because he is suffering from the irrational thoughts himself. I am willing to help him but is it easy to be treated? 25 years ago, it was impossible with my boyfriend. I had to run away. Please tell me what I should know now before I get involved deeper.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.

KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : It seems you're in a similar situation, now.
KansasTherapist : I'm afraid it will likely have a similar outcome.
Customer:

yes I had a terrible relationship 25 years ago in college and it is very similar

KansasTherapist : Someone who is so insecure and untrusting, can't have a healthy relationship.
Customer:

I agree

KansasTherapist : Anyone can change is they want to, but people who have these ideas are afraid to let go of them.
Customer:

I am noticing that he is obsessed with his insecurity

KansasTherapist : Have you talked with him about wanting him to change his thinking?
Customer:

I am depression problems. I understand people can be affected by chemical deficiency in behavior. But I don't know if it is treatable and how?

Customer:

I have talked a lot to him. But he has been changing his mind every 5 hours

Customer:

One min he says he loves me and he will do what I advice him to do. And he still wants to see me in summer (which I already bought ticket for me and my daughter to visit Paris and S France in his bother)

KansasTherapist : It's treatable with Cognitive Behaviral Therapy. But the person has to see that they have unhealthy thoughts and action, and really want to change. Most people with this problem think that their fears are justified. They don't see a reason to change.
Customer:

then after 5 hours he is crying that he can't accept my behavior of dancing with other men (I accepted not to dance any more, which I didn't care because I really love him) and seems communicating with my male friends.

Customer:

I totally agree with you

Customer:

He was saying he is normal and I am the bad woman who don;t understand

Customer:

who is not sensitive enough.

KansasTherapist : If you continue in this relationship, he will probably not want you to spend time with anyone except him. His control over you will increase. If he's already telling you that you're bad for having male friends, he starting the emotional abuse.
Customer:

Yes it was the same 25 years ago.

KansasTherapist : What do you want to do about this situation?
Customer:

I told him that it is over because he said so many disrespectful things to me (I maybe a mistress of some man)

Customer:

But then he now says he is so shamed and he talked to his friend and he agrees he should have never said that. And he agreed he needs to be treated. And his father has a similar problem, he dosen't want to become like his father.

Customer:

My question is why I am willing to help him?

Customer:

Because he is really my ideal man in a way.

Customer:

I have been a single mom for 12 years

Customer:

I was not really attracted by anyone.

Customer:

I wanted someone to love me and gives me a lot of affection.

Customer:

I am very tall. He is taller. He is young and good looking like I am.

Customer:

We have very similar taste in beauty

Customer:

and food

KansasTherapist : Guys like this have some qualities that draw women in. They are attentive and do nice things. In the beginning, they treat the woman with a lot of respect. They also tend to have a sad little boy quality that caused women to want to take care of them. When they start saying or doing the scarry things, there's always tears and promises to change. But the cycle goes on and on.
Customer:

He has two grown children who I have never met but looks nice

Customer:

I agree with you

Customer:

Now I have a plan to go to Paris this summer. since my ticket is not refundable, I was going with my daughter and travel by ourselves and come back.

KansasTherapist : I agree with your plan.
Customer:

My daughters ticket is for two weeks but my return ticket is July 3-Aug 26. He says he wants me and he doesn't want me every 6 hours. Almost he is testing me. Then I started to think that I will just spend two months with him in summer and come back and think about it, probably to break up. I don;t know if I should take this risk.

KansasTherapist : It does seem like a big risk. Is it possible to go home with your daughter on the same ticket?
Customer:

because he agreed that he will start the treatment and he wants to seriously change. He wrote to me this morning but he is not in a normal state of mind. he became so psychotic.

Customer:

I maybe able to change the date with $500 fee.

KansasTherapist : If he is going to change, it's not going to happen in a few months. It will take a lot of work on his part.
Customer:

right

KansasTherapist : If you spend that much time with him in France, you run the risk he'll become physically abusive.
Customer:

that's true.

KansasTherapist : What do you want to do?
Customer:

25 years ago my boyfriend put me in a serious depression

Customer:

I don't want that again

Customer:

I should change my plan and come back with my daughter.

Customer:

Our plan was that spend in the south of France at his brother for a week with my daughter and his daughter

Customer:

and my daughter and I will come back to Paris to spend another week

KansasTherapist : I think it's good to listen to what you think is right.
Customer:

Should I do this two weeks and both of us to come back to NJ? or just plan completely different

KansasTherapist : Since you have told him you're breaking it off, it will give him new hope if you spend time with him.
Customer:

I know in one way I want to help him to change (because we talked about his suffering) and another way I know it is better to let it go.

KansasTherapist : He needs to help himself.
Customer:

And he says that he wants to break up and he wants to have me in the summer regardless of our future. He is not in a norm.

Customer:

That;s true. He should be able to change by himself

KansasTherapist : There's a book called I hate you, Don't leave me. He sounds just like that.
Customer:

I know how that's situation is . It is an abusive behavior

KansasTherapist : It's borderline personality disorder behavior. It takes a lot of work to change.
Customer:

I am more clear of what I have to do

KansasTherapist : I glad you're able to figure it out.
Customer:

I should go to paris with my daughter nothing to do with him

KansasTherapist : It sounds like a wonderful trip.
Customer:

I have somethings in his apartment

Customer:

is it bad to see him to exchange things ?

KansasTherapist : Do you need them?
Customer:

Do you think it is dengerous?

KansasTherapist : It could be.
Customer:

I can forget about my stuff. If I were you, what would you do?

KansasTherapist : You could ask him to send you your things. If he doesn't send them, forget about it. Does he know what flight you'll be on?
Customer:

he knows the date and airplane

KansasTherapist : You'll have to be careful at the airport.
Customer:

OK

Customer:

He is an police investigator in Paris.

Customer:

we should be OK

KansasTherapist : Uh oh
Customer:

Thank you so much

Customer:

You really helped me to organize my thoughts

KansasTherapist : You're very welcome.
KansasTherapist : If you could click accept, that would be great.
Customer:

this is my first visit to this site how can I contact you in the future?

KansasTherapist : If you ask another question y can start it with Kansas Therapist, and I answer.
Customer:

Should I save and exit first before accept?

KansasTherapist : Yes.
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
KansasTherapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency