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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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My husband is leaving me and taking his 4 children with him

Resolved Question:

My husband is leaving me and taking his 4 children with him that I have been a step mother to for 5 years. I have no idea what the first step is.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear of this...it sounds as if things have been tough for quite some time.

CoachJenK :

Tell me how I can support you.

Customer:

I have no idea what to do. He has 4 daughters 17, 15, 13 yr old twins

CoachJenK :

you have done so much. what is your worry that he wont let you see them again?

Customer:

the 2 oldest are completely out of control and the 17 and 16 yr old and their mom have made the decision to make him end our relationship


 

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear all of that...it hurts them as well as you. The only thing you can do now is to take care of yourself while going through this and stay with therapy so you can have all the support you need.

CoachJenK :

this is an awful situation for you and I feel for you

Customer:

I cannot afford to live in the house that we are living in, he has never allowed me access to the checking account and I need to know how to protect myself legally


 

CoachJenK :

Those questions need to be asked to a lawyer since I am not one...I am a mental health expert. Is that the category you prefer to be in?

Customer:

I am full-time employed but do not make enough money to maintain the household that we have. I have gradually given up just about everything so that we could build our own household and to make it comfortable warm and loving home. He can support furniture purchases, etc.


 

CoachJenK :

do you make enough to find a place of your own?

Customer:

I could use your help too, trying to understand why their inappropriate behavior is so bad, they will not comply with rules or authority so since I wont comply with their disrespect and actions or marraige is over.


 

Customer:

He said he will find me an apartment.

CoachJenK :

I am here and not going anywhere.

CoachJenK :

well it sounds like you have excellent boundaries and insight into it all and your husband has let them rule eeverything thereby allowing them to be out of control.

CoachJenK :

this type of stuff has been allowed to go on with them for so long and you coming in and trying to give the appropriate love and discipline falls on deaf ears and you become the villain.

Customer:

but I have a hardtime giving in to me trying to do the right thing, they are so disrespectful and mean


 

CoachJenK :

I just got confused by that last statement...can you explain it?

Customer:

sorry, this is so hard to lose my husband and have to give in to him leaving me over discipline problems with the 2 oldest. I have had a wonderful relationdship with his oldest daughter, and the 2 youngest ones, in fact the oldest told me on mothers day I have been more of a mother to her than her own,.

CoachJenK :

that is truly devastating and it makes no sense to me either.

CoachJenK :

I can only hope that when you are apart that he comes to his senses and reconnects.

CoachJenK :

These girls need your love and discipline and it is clear that he and their mother have been a bit lax in that department.

CoachJenK :

And you have been acting as any mother would...love, patience, boundaries and discipline....what more could you ask for in a mother!!

CoachJenK :

I am saddened that the "values" around parenting arent in line and you have to lose your entire family over it.

CoachJenK :

and to give children this kind of power and control is certainly not helping them to be productive adults in life

Customer:

I am not allowed to discipline "his" children. In the past year and a half I have been diagnosed with sever to chronic sleep apnea, broken hip, post-traumatic stress disorder, 3 herniated disc in my lower back, depression, and now facing catarac surgery diagnosed last week.

CoachJenK :

wow you have been through so much...it is now time to take care of you.

CoachJenK :

That is my hope for you.

CoachJenK :

are you still in therapy?

Customer:

his response to them being productive in life is that Kara has only one more year in the house and she will have to learn the hard way


 

CoachJenK :

well he is right about that but certainly as a Mom you would like to handle it differently and sadly he hasnt helped to give them the skills and necessary respect to get along in life.

CoachJenK :

He is losing a wonderful woman...YOU!

CoachJenK :

dont lose yourself in this process

Customer:

the episode that has triggered him leaving was Kara (17) has been a straight a student and we never had a problem getting along until a close friend of ours found out their 16 yr old daughter was being stalked thru Facebook. We decided to check the girls facebook accounts and one of the twins had posted her phone number, address, school she goes to, lied saying that she was in high school and had a picture of her with real curly poofy hair, red lip stick and and sun glasses on. further investigation Kara had been talking to my husbands estranged son telling him what an asshole their dad is what a bitch that I am and that is when we found out that she posted that she was acting out negatively because she needed her dads attention but all of it was going to his damn bitch wife.

CoachJenK :

that is some very heavy stuff and it is also interesting to me as to why he has an estranged son?

CoachJenK :

clearly you are in a no win situation with the kids...you arent allowed to discipline them or set boundaries and if you do this is the end result.

CoachJenK :

and because of that your husband decided your marriage was over?

CoachJenK :

you okay?

CoachJenK :

Let me know if you are still with me and how I can support you further.

CoachJenK :

Well, I am here if you need anything. If you found our time together to be helpful, please click accept.

Customer:
CoachJenK :

are you still with me?

Customer:

yes


 

CoachJenK :

ok.

CoachJenK :

so the last things i was mentioning was the focus now needs to be on you

Customer:

I cannot get control of my emotions right now


 

CoachJenK :

I understand and you need to feel what you feel.

CoachJenK :

Let it flow....it is very sad

CoachJenK :

are you still in therapy?

Customer:

yes


 

CoachJenK :

good I am glad to know you have that support

CoachJenK :

as painful as it is, just let yourself feel what you feel

CoachJenK :

I am sad you are struggling so.

Customer:

I dont want to lose my husband


 

CoachJenK :

I know you dont...you have tremendous love inside and I would tell him all that you feel...you love him and want to remain together.

Customer:

we have a wonderful relationship, we laugh, we love, when the girls are gone


 

CoachJenK :

and I would speak to him on that level...remind him of your connection.

Customer:

I tried, he said too much has been said too much has happened


 

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear that.

CoachJenK :

then we are left with you giving that space and hopefully he can feel the loss of you and want to reconnect.

Customer:

I dont think that will happen as long as his 2 oldest are making me out to be the villian


 

CoachJenK :

it might....in your absence he may just feel that loss. time will tell.

CoachJenK :

I am always here to support you...just know that

Customer:

i stand to lose everything


 

CoachJenK :

I know you do and sadly he is not giving you any say in this and that is an awful space to be put in.

Customer:

i dont know what the first step is to do


 

CoachJenK :

the first step for what? moving out?

Customer:

I dont know I cant move I cant afford a place on my own I am a home agent for Choice Hotels and I cant leave


 

Customer:

How do I stop crying


 

CoachJenK :

then please let him know what you need.

CoachJenK :

i think the tears need to flow and keep going to your therapy to get the support and in time you will feel stronger

CoachJenK :

right now it is all so raw and you love him and your family so you will feel this pain

Customer:

he is not concerned about what I need only that his 2 oldest daughters dont want to come back home and be accountable for their behavior


 

CoachJenK :

well that is the part that an attorney can help you with so that you know what is the best way to proceed.

CoachJenK :

you mentioned he would get you an apartment?

Customer:

yes he did, but he left, I work from home.


 

CoachJenK :

he left to move out?

Customer:

I dont think I should have to leave and lose it all


 

CoachJenK :

For this aspect I would suggest you speak with an attorney.

Customer:

He just left brought one of the twins to get the girls close, the one I am closest too and she wouldnt even look at me

Customer:
Customer:

clothes


 

CoachJenK :

i think it is clear where things are going and my best suggestions are for you to figure out the legal stuff with an attorney and to work on getting your strength and power back in therapy. At this point there isn't much else we can do.

Customer:

thank you so much


 

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure. Please come to me anytime if you need the supportive ear. I am here for you.

CoachJenK :

Please click accept.

Customer:
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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