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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Hi. My partner and I began seeing each other almost 3 months

Resolved Question:

Hi. My partner and I began seeing each other almost 3 months ago. She has a 4 year old boy from her previous marriage, owns her own home and has a full time professional job, in which she works 9 till 5.
I am a few years older (less than 10, more than 5!), have my own home, have no children and I run my own small business. I am reasonably financially secure and my work doesn't go beyond 9 till 5, and actually doesn't consume as many hours as that even.

The relationship developed very quickly in the 1st month (I left her to drive the pace as I was happy to sit in the passenger seat at the speed she chose to travel).
I spent a lot of time by invitation at her home, met her son and extended family, we ate out, shopped and I did odd jobs at her home.
She told me she was worried I might "abandon" her or "disappear". I assured her my mind was made up about her and that I wanted her and her son for good.

After a month she broke up with me because I'm "always at her house", and also because although she claims "there's nothing wrong with the pace", that she has been "unnerved" by something on this occasion and that "hasn't happened before".

The next time we reconciled she dumped me because I was "always calling and texting". She'd actually wound our usual pace back but perhaps I hadn't noticed!
Also because she felt she was "giving in" to some specific things she said I'd "told her" we were doing.
This she has since admitted is not accurate - I suggest things and she doesn't say "no"...Ever!
She said this was because she feared a reaction if she said "no" to me. I'm not a bully, I've only ever SUGGESTED things and I've never given her cause to fear a reaction from me...I've never actually been told "no"!

We reconciled on the basis that she would tell me "no" which would set some boundaries and I don't exploit boundaries.

Yesterday she split with me again. I went to collect my things and she told me she just doesn't have the time at the mo' with work and her son for such an intense relationship.
That she can't keep in touch every day and that my doing so puts her under pressure to respond and makes her feel bad when she does't.

This had actually been exacerbated by my texts/calls late the previous evening - Those were to try to find out if she was still alive - It was my Birthday and I hadn't heard from all day. Not a thing. She did text at 11 apologising, but only when I tried to call and she didn't pick up. She said she'd had a crazy day, had meant to all day, but just didn't get around to it.

I asked her if she still wanted me and she said "yes, but I just can't cope with seeing someone 3 or 4 times a week at the moment".

I said I understood (and seeing the stressed out state of her yesterday i do) that my feelings for her hadn't changed, that I still wanted her and for the time being, if she wanted to I was happy to cut the comms between us right back and we'd see each other when we could.
She said she was happy with that.

She then asked me if I'd like to finish a garden build I'd started a week or so before so I did with her little boy as helper into the evening.

She had made it clear that sex was most definitely not on the menu last night as she was so tired and stressed (and looked it), and I tried to reassure her that that really was OK. It has been in the past when I know she means it.

If I put my arms around her she would respond but she wouldn't just come to me.

She put herself on what has become my side of the sofa which was odd in itself, but moreso because she couldn't see the TV as there was a clothes horse in the way last night and although she later lay across me with her head on my lap she didn't seem properly relaxed.

Later I collected some things from upstairs and she was still comfortable completely stripping in front of me to change into her night things (I did try to cuddle her then, but she told me firmly with a little smile "told you you're not starting anything tonight. it'll only p*** me off if you wind me up tonight".

Am I right in thinking that she only didn't want sex because she was tired/stressed & was worried getting to close to me she would end up feeling she'd want to which would annoy her more?
Or does she just not want me anymore?

She only kissed me when I left to go home and although it did linger a little, it did feel a little different.

I don't know what to do next. I've snookered myself by saying I won't text or call. I'm worried she won't call at all, as I really don't know what's really going on in her head and if she really is happy with what we agreed. I never do know it seems!

I haven't contacted her today, but tomorrow evening I really want to just send a sweet, no pressure, no demands "I'm back from my overseas trip - hope you're having a nice weekend" type text.

Is there any life left in this, or she not really interested despite saying she still wants me? am I wasting my time?

What should I do?

A bit lost really!

Thank you!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Dr Rossi :

Hi,

Dr Rossi :

What you do would depend on what outcome you're seeking. If she's asking for no contact or not as frequently, then you'd be respecting her wish by following with that.

Dr Rossi :

If you want to reuinte once again, then you'd contact her just to say hi and check on how she's doing.

Dr Rossi :

One thing to be honest w/ yourself is- how long do you intend to go on this roller coaster with her breaking up with you then getting back together?

Dr Rossi :

It is possible that she fears abandonment and is projecting that onto you. Hence, she's the first to break up in order to feel in control and not be the one abandoned.

Dr Rossi :

Yet, as an adult, she should engage in some self introspection about her own behaviors.

Dr Rossi :

It is as though she does not know what she wants and finds excuses as to why she is pushing you away- you're telling her things, you're crowding her by calls/texts, crimping her space being at her house too much, etc.

Dr Rossi :

At what point is she going to own her part in this relationship dynamics?

Dr Rossi :

Three months is not enought time to have gotten to know someone well.

Dr Rossi :

You mentioned that the relationship moved on quite fast. Initially, what the two of you had experienced changes over time. The high/infatuation decreases as both individuals get to know one another and become comfortable w/ each other.

Dr Rossi :

Is it possible that she is looking more for the "in love" feeling, dating scenario rather than a solid relationship- what you're offering to her?

Customer:

Thank you for your answer. Some of this I had actually thought, so it's good to have it confirmed that I'm not completely off-track!

Customer:

Particularly the part about ending things before she's abandoned - However I really believe I've not given her any cause to believe that I would - Quite the opposite. And perhaps that's the problem

Dr Rossi :

From what you've shared, it seems more of a dysfunctional relationship even so soon in the first stages of the relationship.

Dr Rossi :

Yes, it's possible that she is also afraid of commitment (especially if her past relationships had been unsteady)

Dr Rossi :

This is something she has to work on by herself. Neither you nor another can do it for her.

Customer:

I think I may have come across as needy by being too much in her face and yes I think I have crimped her space. She doesn't appear to have a lot of time and has a close family and friends. My crowding her has been mentioned frequently. The only reason I tend to contact her too much is when she's not indicating there's an issue but just disappears.

Dr Rossi :

Could she have been attracted to you because in some way she felt safe/protected and then confused her emotions with those of romantic ones?

Customer:

She did initially tell me before the first break up that I "made her feel safe". then I made a huge mistake

Dr Rossi :

If you're to have a serious/solid relationship though, you can't be somehow make yourself absent when it suites her. Don' you agree?

Dr Rossi :

If you're to be a couple, that means sharing time/space/your life basically.

Customer:

Do you think she's being absolutely honest about just not having time to see someone 3/4 times in the week days, or is this an excuse to push me specifically away?

Dr Rossi :

She is sending you mixed messages. She either wants a relationship or she wants the fantacy of dating someone.

Dr Rossi :

Both are possible- not having time due to her job, taking care of her kid, and not wanting to commit seriously.

Dr Rossi :

Going back and forth like that with you borders on the emotionally abusive though.

Customer:

So in your opinion I accept based on what I've told you, do you think it likely or unlikely that if I pull right back and give her space, things might move forward?

Dr Rossi :

Whether she's punishing other (ex men) through you or just not knowing what she wants, it is still unfair to treat someone like that. For a relationship to be a good one, honestly is very important. That also includes being honest with oneself and not playing mind games w/ others.

Customer:

Or do you think she will just disappear now?

Customer:

She has said she wants me still

Customer:

and i do want her

Dr Rossi :

Yes, if things proceed a bit slower, it's possible to work through this. The two of you have to be very specific of what you want.

Dr Rossi :

It has to be clear what boundaries there are to be, what each expects of the other and what sort of a relationship is envisoned by either one of you.

Dr Rossi :

It is also helpful to set some sort of a time line. For example, let's see how the next 6 months are and take it from there.

Dr Rossi :

For this to work out, clear and honest communication is going to be a must.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The next time I text her, which will be tomorrow, I would like to be able to say within that text that I still want her, and that I am happy to proceed at her pace rather than lose her and most importantly that I just want us both to be relaxed, have fun, not talk about us, where we're going or any serious stuff anymore (well for the time being anyway whilst she's pressured.
But I have two fears. Firstly that that saying that in itself might be perceived as "pressure" and seriousness that will make her run away and not text back!
I think I need a little help constructing this!
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

She is the one that eventually interprets what you say. It is best to talk about this rather than via text/email.

Perhaps you could let her know that you agree w. her- taking things slower is a good idea. Remind her that the two of you had had good times and would like to make some more happy/enjoyable memories over time. Or you could pose it as a question to her. Something like- "how would you like us to proceed from here on?" and then confirm that you're open to taking it one day at a time and see where things go from there. If you're fearful/anxious when you communicate to her, she could sense that. Rather, try to be relaxed and open to her reaction.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good afternoon Dr. Rossi. Thank you for your help yesterday. I haven't heard from my partner since Saturday and I haven't attempted to text or call her. When we were last together on Saturday, we talked through what she wanted and I said I would curb my enthusiasm and that I wouldn't call or text. The UK is on holiday today and last night she and her little boy stayed at a girl-friend's house a few hours away (we don't live together by the way) so I didn't really expect to hear from her (no doubt her friend is helping her decide what to do about us, but I can't do much about that really!). However, having said I'm simply not going to text and call anymore if it's putting you under pressure, I also said "I might drop you the odd text every now and again, but you shouldn't feel under pressure or bad if you can't reply". She had made it clear on Saturday that one of the things that she had a problem with me with was that she felt that if I didn't hear from her for a day I couldn't deal with it and would then call and text her again and again. So I wanted to respond positively to that. The problem I have now is that I want to check in so that she doesn't feel abandoned or that I've disappeared (two of the things she told me she feared at the beginning of our relationship almost 3 months ago), but I know she felt "hemmed in" and stressed out last week and when I saw her Saturday, so I don't want to text her even a "Hi Beautiful. Hope you're having a lovely time" type text in case she is still stressed out and feeling hemmed in, for fear she will just look at it and say "Crap: He's texting again and he said he wouldn't" and for that to tip her over the edge and dump me (again!). What do you think I should do? To text or not to text, that is the question....
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

" To text or not to text, that is the question.... "

 

"She had made it clear on Saturday that one of the things that she had a problem with me with was that she felt that if I didn't hear from her for a day I couldn't deal with it and would then call and text her again and again."

 

Hi,

 

If there was a mutual understanding not to follow up w/her even in a few days since she's not contacted you, then you stick to that understanding. It would of made more sense to know what would she consider a reasonable time frame. If you were the last to get in touch w/ her, then allow her to follow through with you when she can or want.

Saturday may seem as a long time, and you did mention that there is a holiday being observed. In reality, it's only a couple of days.

 

Perhaps after the holiday is over, upon hearing from her, you'd get a better idea of what kind of time span is she comfortable with in not hearing from one another. Something else to ask her if you have not done so, is how many texts/emails a week/day she feels comfortable in receiving.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Agreed, but I also told her: "However, having said I'm simply not going to text and call anymore if it's putting you under pressure, I also said "I might drop you the odd text every now and again, but you shouldn't feel under pressure or bad if you can't reply". She had made it clear on Saturday that one of the things that she had a problem with me with was that she felt that if I didn't hear from her for a day I couldn't deal with it and would then call and text her again and again. So I wanted to respond positively to that. The problem I have now is that I want to check in so that she doesn't feel abandoned or that I've disappeared (two of the things she told me she feared at the beginning of our relationship almost 3 months ago), but I know she felt "hemmed in" and stressed out last week and when I saw her Saturday, so I don't want to text her even a "Hi Beautiful. Hope you're having a lovely time" type text in case she is still stressed out and feeling hemmed in, for fear she will just look at it and say "Crap: He's texting again and he said he wouldn't" and for that to tip her over the edge and dump me (again!). What do you think I should do? "
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

You could wait another day or so, and then send a casual text such as I'm just following up w/ you and hope you had a nice holiday...Something like that. This message does not obligate her to reply and she can still know you're there for her.

If you've told her that you agree that the two of you should take things slower, she should already know that you're there for her.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I was also thinking of sending her an email, not sure when's appropriate, but having sorted this stuff out on Saturday I know she doesn't want to have anymore heavy discussions because as the relationship started at her fast pace, then she quickly slowed it to a stop without saying what she wanted until Saturday, this caused me some confusion so I was always talking about "us" and asking questions which put her under pressure all the time.

However, as she said I don't listen to what she wants, I wanted her to have a record that in fact I do listen to what she's asked, an email that she doesn't have to reply to or even refer to - It means she can have confidence that I did listen, but in a format that means we don't have to talk about heavy stuff again which i know worries her.

I just felt that this weekend she may have made another decision because I know she thinks I can't have a slower relationship with her, so I want to give her some confidence that I can - I realise I am trying to pre-empt a negative move that she may or may not make, but I just don't want to be dumped again only to have to send the email then and try to pick up the pieces....Would you mind having a read of it for me and tell me what you think? It will also help you to understand a bit more about what's been going on:

Hey Beautiful.
Clearly I know this is a very long email. Rather than being intense or applying any pressure, its only purpose actually is to remove completely and utterly ALL of the pressure that you've been under from me/us just recently.

Having had a lot of driving time and general time to myself to think over the past few days, I do now fully understand and appreciate what you said on Saturday and how it is that you want us to be together now and actually I agree with everything you said without exception.

I am not ignoring that one of the things you said you don't want is to talk about this kind of heavy stuff anymore - However, you also told me one of your major issues with me is that you believe I don't listen to you - So I want to write down the things that you said so that you have a record that I do listen as I don't want for you to be constantly fearing that things will slip back to how they were - I have too much respect for you and what you want (and too much self-respect) to allow that to happen.

Because we now have clear understanding between us, and we don't want or need to talk about this stuff anymore, I thought it better to put it into an email so that you have it as a record that I have listened, but we don't have to ever refer to it or discuss it unless you bring it up.

Anyway, so that you know that you don't have to fear any repetition of what are now very much past events when you or I call, text or when we spend time together:

No more serious, heavy, intense stuff or any talk about "our relationship", "Where we're going", "What we are to each other" or anything remotely similar unless you want to talk in those terms at some point in the future.
I realise now that you're right in what you said and I hadn't noticed when I drop it into conversation or make hints - I don't like it either because it upsets you - And besides, now that I know what you want, I don't need to keep trying to find out - It stops with this email.

No more continuous texts and calls or emails from me.

The intense conversations, comments and text/calling business was caused by a period of confusion in between the point when things moved along faster than perhaps we were both ready for at the moment, and the point when you told me what you want - And now you've told me what you want at the moment - There's no more confusion and so as a result you won't feel any more pressure from this end.

I also agree that It's absolutely not necessary or possible that we see each other every night of the week or even most nights of the week. Actually neither of us has that sort of time right now - It'll be nice if one day it is like that, but right now this is a new relationship, it's not healthy for things to be as intense as they were and for one thing that element of missing each other and the excitement of looking forward to seeing each other again will disappear completely if one or both of us feels hemmed in.

I totally understand that right now, you need to take all the time you need for Cameron, for yourself or family and for whatever else you need - I absolutely do not get offended or upset when we can't do things together, so please don't feel that I am - It's absolutely not the case.
I know that this doesn't mean that I/we have to be bottom of some list and I'm sure also you'll include me in some of those family and Cameron things when you want to, or think them appropriate.
I'll wait to be invited rather than ask. But just know I'd always like to if time allows me to and if you do want to ask me.

When I'm at your house, I need to be the one to say "time for me to go" a bit more often than never!! I really don't like you having the feeling that you're chucking me out. I almost managed it Saturday night, but you genuinely beat me to it again!!

My barn is now a (very clean smelling!! Bluddy cat litter has a point where it just GOES…There's no in between) sanctuary for us to retreat to for the weekends that we choose to and are able to be here together. I would really like when you come here that we can relax, (or go out shopping/eat out/whatever) have fun and muck about and that you treat it as your home. You can sleep in as late as you like when we haven't both planned things and catch up on what sleep you've perhaps missed during the week (when I let you;-)

If I ask or suggest something and it's not something you want to do or if you don't agree with something I'm suggesting….Please just say "No"! I'm not a bully and you have no cause to fear a "reaction" or a "drama" from me. You won't get one.

When time allows, I would like us both to just have fun together, go out and shop or do things if we can, have a laugh, relax with you in the garden or on the sofa at yours or mine on the occasional evening and watch crap on the TV on the odd evening you fancy it, natter on the phone about nothingness, other people's complicated love-lives and about each other's days and all the naff/funny and annoying things that happen in our jobs, enjoy each other and just have fun, like we did all the time when we first met and have continued to do since, less frequently than we should have done recently, and with all of that confusion and complication now cleared up, we will from hereon!!

There's nothing wrong with you or me or us - I can totally understand why anything else is just too much pressure for you right now and the last thing either of us wants is for that to get in the way of our being happy as individuals or when we spend time together.

All I want is what I have already - The incredible you in my life having fun with you and making you beam your cheeky-grin with those twinkly eyes of yours so I know you're happy, which makes me happy, so I'm more than happy that we take it one day at a time from hereon and just let us be whatever we become without further heavy discussion.

We've had some really good times together so far just mucking about together and I'm looking forward to creating some more happy and enjoyable memories over time. Another was created for me on Saturday with my little helper sorting your raised garden beds with me - We had a mad 5 minutes at one point when he said "too much in the barrow" and tipped it out. So I'd put less in the barrow and he said "too little in the barrow" and tipped it out again!!

Every day I'm with you another memory's created and there's already so many to choose from: Our mad midnight pizza-hunt through West London, getting chased by Granny's insane cockerel, our cinema outing with the human pizza-eating-machine (watching him on the edge of his seat whilst spitting out sweets he didn't like and handing them back to Mummy with his eyes still glued to the screen!!), sitting on the living room floor together making Cameron's Easter Hat, our simple quiet nights-in just cuddling up on the sofa talking about nothing really or not talking at all, all the hours and hours we've spent just laughing and chit-chatting about something and nothing on the phone, the lovely meals we've enjoyed together both in and out (redcurrant gravy!!!), and of course, all those nights we've spent steaming up the bedroom (and living room!!) windows (Of course I left that until last - I still reckon you think that's all I want you for, forgetting that we had to hold out for quite a while for medicinal reasons when we first met!!;-).

Being with you makes me the happiest I have ever been and finally sorting everything out on Saturday means you will be made to feel as happy again too.

Despite all our past ups and downs you've continued to say you want me and you've always had me hook, line and sinker anyway. I told you I would sort through things as they came up and that I was not going to "abandon" you or "disappear" as you worried I probably would. I never have.

I do take notice of what you say and want, and I do try. I don't always get it right straightaway, although I always then try to listen a little harder the next time. This email should, and my actions now will back those last words up if you didn't believe it before.

Oh and one other thing - No more being Mr. Stinky (It was the pub/your garden's fault…OK, ok, maybe mine for forgetting to shower in my rush on Saturday morning!!)

Your (Non) Stinky-Simon

xx
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Perhaps you could wait to send her the email and see how things progress meanwhile. You've expressed a lot to her and it shows that you care about her. You have to realize that she may be insecure and as a result projecting that onto you. And, it may be scary to her that your happiness lies in her hands. That can be anxiety provoking to her as well.

 

If you decide to send her an email, you may think about touching upon the fact that it seems that there may have been some miscommunication initially or lack of communication that could of led to this. You can point out to her that as people are getting to know one another, they're also learning about their likes/dislikes and pace they feel comfortable moving with. It is understandable and as long as each partner is open with the other one, less miscommunication occurs. She may think that you've not listened to her because the two of you express yourself differently.

When the two of you start to move in synchronized way, there is more harmony within the relationship without losing one's autonomy. Then, remind her that you'd like the two of you to have the chance to get to know one another better over time.

 

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for that. Do you think that email will stress her out even more and make her feel more hemmed in or is it clear enough in its intention to remove all of the pressure?
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

You welcome.

The email can do that because, you don't know how she'd perceive the shared information. This is best to be talked about in person in small steps along the way.

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