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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 349
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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Ive sought advice from the Tarot cards and I always get the

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I've sought advice from the Tarot cards and I always get the same answer which is be patient with the man I've been seeing and that everything will work out in my favor. Now, I've decided to seek out some professional advice from relationship counselors. When I think about everything that has occurred, logically, the answer is to move on. We officially became a couple in the beginning of February and I've been seeing him since last year. He was in the process of returning back to work after a bad car accident, unfortunately he never returned and is now unemployed. Therefore, while in the process of preparing to go back to his former job, I allowed him to stay with me. This turned into a living arrangement, which I didn't really mind but the funds were/are low. Last week, I sent him away so that he could determine how he feels about me and what he needs to do in order for me to stay in his life. Part of me felt used and part of me understood the situation at hand. While living with me, I found out about and he confirmed about the relationship he had prior to mine. I was at first under the impression that he was single when we met but in actuality he had what I call a fallback chick. She was not quite a girlfriend but someone he was seeing in the mean time. He never claimed her as his girlfriend but has given me that title as well as introduced me to his family and his close friends. I truly believe that he wants to have a relationship with me but there are too many variables in the way, along with baggage on his end. He has a child and the mother is aware of our relationship; she is fine with this and has not interferred. The person he was seeing prior to me is also aware of our relationship but she will not disappear. When I sent him away, he went to her house to stay. I'm no dummy and I've been on all sides of the triangle which is why I able to figure out who she was. He does owe me money and I do have a signed contract. When we discussed that this week, he told me that he wanted me as a friend and didn't want to lose me over any misconceptions. Well there aren't misconception on this end because she allowed him to come to her house. I've seen women fight over men and compete for his love. I refuse to do any of that; in fact, I believe in tough love. My tough love stance is hard to execute when he has a fallback woman who clearly is in it to win it, LOL,but not funny at the same time. This morning he called me very EARLY in the morning telling me he was having an emotional break down. He wanted me to meet up with him by the forest preserves but I refused to do so. He came by my house and asked me to come outside but I refused to do so. I invited him to come in and talk but he declined my offer. We never had that discussion today. The issue is that he tells me everything EVENTUALLY and does feel like he can tell me anything. He is very emotional; I'm like his therapist but I just want to be his girlfriend. The problem on my end is that I'm the person who most people come to talk to because I'm objective and understand the psychology behind actions. With this being said, I believe that he really wants to be with me and even his family sees that he acts differently with me than to the other women he's had in the past. Under no circumstances can he move back in with me until he becomes employed again but under no circumstances can he remain at her house if I chose to continue in this relationship. I'm completing my MBA and I just incorporated a small business. To me this is like the drama that is on television. My questions are should I do as the tarot cards/reader have been saying for the past 2 months which is to be patient because this will soon work out in my favor? Or should I use logic and keep my tough love stance and move on with my life?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.

JohnMichaels,MS,LPC :

Hello! This does sound like a tough situation. I personally applaud you for your tough love stance. You have extended him more grace than might be expected. If you allow him to continue to use you, you are hurting him and yourself. Yes, he may have issues he needs to resolve, but as long as you hold him up he seems to have no reason to resolve them. If you wish to give him a second chance, give him a time frame to get a job. You are correct, while he works on bettering himself, he needs to do it while on his own two feet, not relying on you or his female friend. Stick to you guns. If he doesnt come around, move on. I hope I was helpful. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask them even after you accept. As long as ypur questions pertain to this subject matter, they are covered under the cost of this question. I want to help you as much as I can. Let me know...

JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 349
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
I hope my response was helpful. Please feel free to pursue more info if necessary. i am here to help you. Remember, i do not receive credit for my response until you press accept.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your assistance! I'm wondering what length of time should I give him to get his act together? I haven't decided if this is what I'm going to do yet. I typically just move on and I'm still disgusted that he went to her house. He won't tell me where he went but I know he's there. I guess I'm wondering how I can convey the right message to him where he understands that I mean business?I'm also wondering to myself if he returned there because he actually has feelings for her or because he knows that she will take him in whenever. I would never allow a man to come in my home whenever he felt like it. Also, I do believe that he has ran to her in the past whenever I didn't give him his way. The only reason I'm seeking advice is because I feel a strong connection with him and I don't want to give up prematurely but I also don't appreciate this third party being involved. I'm not worried about him coming back because he will. I know he sees a future with me and would often reference about when we get older. I've been referred to as the one who got away quite a few times. So he will return. I don't want it to be too late or because he thinks he can. Also, I know he'd be able to sort out a lot of things going on if the third party wasn't involved. She is much older than us and may have self-esteem issues. I think she sees this as a competition. I stay near most of his family and we all agree it's time for him to get it together, even the mother of his child agrees. Even with a third party involved, for the first time this situation isn't black or white.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
You are right. The time frame is difficult. You will have to decide how long you are willing to wait before you move on. I would think he would need to show progress immediately. Move out from his first, then secure a job. I'm not sure how he will manage this, but it is what needs to do. He needs to verify to you he is living on his own and working. He also needs to pay you the money he owes you. You don't need that shadow over you. Actually, once he does this, there seems to be no hurry for him to move back in. Why not just see each other for a while. Let things take their natural course. I am not sure he will agree to all this, but it seems reasonable to me.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 349
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your assistance! You are absolutely right. One of the problems was that a natural course was never taken. I always say let nature take its course and that's just what I need to do. My money is very tight but when I receive additional monies, I will come back and leave a tip.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome and thank you for helping me come to my senses. I've decided to move on actually. Even though he hasn't admitted this, I know that he is staying at this other woman's house. I believe that he sees me as the type of woman he should have a relationship with but it's easier to maintain whatever type of relationship he has with this other woman. He also refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and he keeps telling me that I broke up with him. He told me that he went back to the mother of his child but in actuality, he is at this other lady's house. He often spoke about the mother of his child in our relationship but I know that she has moved on. I believe that he and the other woman may be calling themselves a couple now. This is going on the second week that him and I have been apart. When I was under the impression that this lady was a relative of his, he told me that he enrolled her in school. The mother of his child has at least a bachelors and possibly a masters. I'm working on my masters and this other lady has none of that. The issue I'm having is why would she allow him to return to her under any circumstances. I can only think that she has low self-esteem. He always praised my confidence and 'swag'. I'm pretty sure that she may be under the impression that he left me. Really, I gave him the ultimatum to see what he would do and he did it. I know he'll be back because he has a problem with cutting his ties but I won't be there to meet him. I'm highly analytical and I always put myself in someone elses place to try to better understand the situation. However, in this situation, I don't understand the psychology behind any of their actions even after I've removed myself from the situation. Usually, when I can understand where someone is coming from, I'm able to cope better with the situation especially if it doesn't turn out in my favor.

I do need help determining why I entered into another failed relationship. The trend that I'm seeing is that when I decide to end a relationship, the guy goes on to either find someone similar or returns back to the "friend" that they had before me. For instance the gentlemen that I had the longest relationship of 6 years with and was even engaged to, went with a woman who had the same first and middle name as I did and our last names are also similar (We have the same initials). They had a child together and to this day he tells me that I'm the one he should've had a child with as well as married him. Another boyfriend did something similar. The other two relationships that I had, including this one, returned to the "friend" or "relative" that was before me, whom I found out about during the relationship. However, I know that the other one who did this, only considered her a "friend" and didn't see her as relationship material. He did eventually find someone else. I move on as well and I do my best to find someone different than what I had before but I'm missing the mark. I even take time to myself and remain single. Maybe, you can assist me with determing better techniques to find a compatible and suitable match. Or should I be a little bit more patient with the men I do chose because all have deemed me as marriage material. I just don't have patience to allow them to overcome their indiscretions while I'm with them. I also easily recognize the signs of indiscetions and I'm always right even when I try to ignore the signs. I refuse to believe that all men are like this but I've come across many men with a similar mentality from different walks of life. I could use plenty of help because I have a habit of finding people who like to rebel just for the sake of rebelling. In the long run, it hits them in the face and when they come to their senses, they are unable to return. I do know that this is not the relationship that God has in store for me. I have no problem moving on and I'm not in a rush though. I just want to find someone who is actually ready to have a meaningful and honest relationship with me who doesn't habor resentment and rebellious behavior. I want to be able to see this in the beginning as well.

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You are definitely opening up a container of worms. My father was not in the picture and as an adult, I've decided to not keep in contact with him and not for the obvious reasons. The few times that I've talk with him he says some things that piss me off and he seems childish. As far as the relationships that I've had as an adult. One was my college sweetheart; I met him my freshman year in college which was awhile ago now. That was the one who went and got the girlfriend with the same exact name but they aren't together now. I met two online and the most recent one actually lived around the corner from me when I met him last year. I decided awhile ago that I would refrain from meeting men on the internet, so far many of them lack social skills.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

What I've gathered of my father so far, they have a woman in waiting while trying to pursue a relationship with someone else. I'm pretty much aware of the story of my mother and father. My father had a child before me with another lady. He then had a relationship with my mother and they had me. My mother didn't want to marry him at the time that he asked, she wanted to wait so he went off to the service. Next thing he was married to the woman he had child with before my mother.This triggered a nervous breakdown in my mother and she was diagnosed with a mental illness at that time. He claims that the child isn't his and she had the child before their relationship. So far that's the only similarity of having someone already lined up. The college sweetheart actually was a pretty nice guy up until the end. I would'nt speak with him for at least five years but nowadays he seems to be in denial about his character. He has expressed that he'd still like to marry me when he gets himself together but I'm not hardly interested. Based on speaking with him, I think he was a better person then than he is now. When I was a teenager, I reunited with my father and was excited to meet his children as well as his wife. At that time he was in some type of facility for veterans and he told me that his wife didn't know about me. Pretty much from that day forward, I ceased all contact with him. My mother has attempted over the years to try to force us to have a relationship. She's much nicer than I am. I know he and what happened to my mother is the reason that I don't have a problem with cutting off a faulty relationship. I really haven't spent much time with him and can count on one hand how many times, I've saw and spoke to him. The few times that I have, he seems like he is a shady and manipulative person. When I talk to him, I feel like he talks to me like I'm a woman he is trying to hit on. A few years ago, I went to go speak with a counselor about my relationships with people and also my progression through life. I think that he made matters worse. He pretty much told me that given my background and the environment in which I was born, I should be glad to have made it as far as I have. That didn't sit to well for me so I rarely open up to people about my background.

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
First and foremost someone who is indeed single and doesn't have a in the mean time "friend". Someone who is ambitious in life, intelligent and independent. Someone who likes to try new things and is open minded with standard moral/ethical values. He doesn't have to be rich but able to maintain a job as well as a hard worker and would like to work for himself in the future or like to build a business together. I'd like someone who is affectionate, respects women, is aware of his actions and how these actions affect those around him. I want someone who has a sense of humor but is a protector. These are the basics that I'm looking for.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

My expectations are very reasonable and that's what men like about me. I've never really have liked dating. I have in the past and up until about three years ago, I did regularly. I just don't have the patience to date more than one man at a time but I will try. My Grandmother tells me to do that and I'm going to try it again. I'm a bit old fashioned though in believing that men pursue women. In this day and age, it appears that men like to be pursued. Even though many people think I'm in my early 20's, I'm actually in my early 30's. It hasn't been until now that I've even considered settling down and having a family.

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for helping me sort things out. How can I make this information that I have share confidential and not open for the public to read?
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hmm...I'm not sure. That is one of the negatives of this forum. It is public....but your identity is withheld. Does that help?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes, that is fine. For privacy purposes, I didn't give my real name. Thank you again for your assistance!
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
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25+ years helping resolve relational issues.