Hello! This does sound like a tough situation. I personally applaud you for your tough love stance. You have extended him more grace than might be expected. If you allow him to continue to use you, you are hurting him and yourself. Yes, he may have issues he needs to resolve, but as long as you hold him up he seems to have no reason to resolve them. If you wish to give him a second chance, give him a time frame to get a job. You are correct, while he works on bettering himself, he needs to do it while on his own two feet, not relying on you or his female friend. Stick to you guns. If he doesnt come around, move on. I hope I was helpful. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask them even after you accept. As long as ypur questions pertain to this subject matter, they are covered under the cost of this question. I want to help you as much as I can. Let me know...
You're welcome and thank you for helping me come to my senses. I've decided to move on actually. Even though he hasn't admitted this, I know that he is staying at this other woman's house. I believe that he sees me as the type of woman he should have a relationship with but it's easier to maintain whatever type of relationship he has with this other woman. He also refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and he keeps telling me that I broke up with him. He told me that he went back to the mother of his child but in actuality, he is at this other lady's house. He often spoke about the mother of his child in our relationship but I know that she has moved on. I believe that he and the other woman may be calling themselves a couple now. This is going on the second week that him and I have been apart. When I was under the impression that this lady was a relative of his, he told me that he enrolled her in school. The mother of his child has at least a bachelors and possibly a masters. I'm working on my masters and this other lady has none of that. The issue I'm having is why would she allow him to return to her under any circumstances. I can only think that she has low self-esteem. He always praised my confidence and 'swag'. I'm pretty sure that she may be under the impression that he left me. Really, I gave him the ultimatum to see what he would do and he did it. I know he'll be back because he has a problem with cutting his ties but I won't be there to meet him. I'm highly analytical and I always put myself in someone elses place to try to better understand the situation. However, in this situation, I don't understand the psychology behind any of their actions even after I've removed myself from the situation. Usually, when I can understand where someone is coming from, I'm able to cope better with the situation especially if it doesn't turn out in my favor.
I do need help determining why I entered into another failed relationship. The trend that I'm seeing is that when I decide to end a relationship, the guy goes on to either find someone similar or returns back to the "friend" that they had before me. For instance the gentlemen that I had the longest relationship of 6 years with and was even engaged to, went with a woman who had the same first and middle name as I did and our last names are also similar (We have the same initials). They had a child together and to this day he tells me that I'm the one he should've had a child with as well as married him. Another boyfriend did something similar. The other two relationships that I had, including this one, returned to the "friend" or "relative" that was before me, whom I found out about during the relationship. However, I know that the other one who did this, only considered her a "friend" and didn't see her as relationship material. He did eventually find someone else. I move on as well and I do my best to find someone different than what I had before but I'm missing the mark. I even take time to myself and remain single. Maybe, you can assist me with determing better techniques to find a compatible and suitable match. Or should I be a little bit more patient with the men I do chose because all have deemed me as marriage material. I just don't have patience to allow them to overcome their indiscretions while I'm with them. I also easily recognize the signs of indiscetions and I'm always right even when I try to ignore the signs. I refuse to believe that all men are like this but I've come across many men with a similar mentality from different walks of life. I could use plenty of help because I have a habit of finding people who like to rebel just for the sake of rebelling. In the long run, it hits them in the face and when they come to their senses, they are unable to return. I do know that this is not the relationship that God has in store for me. I have no problem moving on and I'm not in a rush though. I just want to find someone who is actually ready to have a meaningful and honest relationship with me who doesn't habor resentment and rebellious behavior. I want to be able to see this in the beginning as well.
It sounds to me you are on the right track. You have at least acknowledged there is an issue. I know I am opening a can of worms, but can you tell me about your family of origin, particularly your father? Other than that, I must ask, where are you meeting these gentlemen? Could that be the issue?
Well, you shot down my theory on where you are meeting them. That doesnt necessarily seem to be the issue. I am curious though about your relationship with your father. For whatever reason, our relationship with our parents does seem to affect our relationships through life. What similarities do you see between your father and your boyfriends?
What I've gathered of my father so far, they have a woman in waiting while trying to pursue a relationship with someone else. I'm pretty much aware of the story of my mother and father. My father had a child before me with another lady. He then had a relationship with my mother and they had me. My mother didn't want to marry him at the time that he asked, she wanted to wait so he went off to the service. Next thing he was married to the woman he had child with before my mother.This triggered a nervous breakdown in my mother and she was diagnosed with a mental illness at that time. He claims that the child isn't his and she had the child before their relationship. So far that's the only similarity of having someone already lined up. The college sweetheart actually was a pretty nice guy up until the end. I would'nt speak with him for at least five years but nowadays he seems to be in denial about his character. He has expressed that he'd still like to marry me when he gets himself together but I'm not hardly interested. Based on speaking with him, I think he was a better person then than he is now. When I was a teenager, I reunited with my father and was excited to meet his children as well as his wife. At that time he was in some type of facility for veterans and he told me that his wife didn't know about me. Pretty much from that day forward, I ceased all contact with him. My mother has attempted over the years to try to force us to have a relationship. She's much nicer than I am. I know he and what happened to my mother is the reason that I don't have a problem with cutting off a faulty relationship. I really haven't spent much time with him and can count on one hand how many times, I've saw and spoke to him. The few times that I have, he seems like he is a shady and manipulative person. When I talk to him, I feel like he talks to me like I'm a woman he is trying to hit on. A few years ago, I went to go speak with a counselor about my relationships with people and also my progression through life. I think that he made matters worse. He pretty much told me that given my background and the environment in which I was born, I should be glad to have made it as far as I have. That didn't sit to well for me so I rarely open up to people about my background.
Well, you have done well considering your past, but that does not minimize your desire and need to better yourself. Your past may contribute to your issues, but it does not contain the solution. The solution is in the now and the choices you make in the future. Tell me, what precisely and exactly are you looking for in a mate?
My expectations are very reasonable and that's what men like about me. I've never really have liked dating. I have in the past and up until about three years ago, I did regularly. I just don't have the patience to date more than one man at a time but I will try. My Grandmother tells me to do that and I'm going to try it again. I'm a bit old fashioned though in believing that men pursue women. In this day and age, it appears that men like to be pursued. Even though many people think I'm in my early 20's, I'm actually in my early 30's. It hasn't been until now that I've even considered settling down and having a family.