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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3205
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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So I met this guy online a month ago on match.com...we hit

Resolved Question:

So I met this guy online a month ago on match.com...we hit it off with extreme chemistry. We still talk every day and see each other twice a week. Im afraid, I can tell I already am starting to fall for him. Now we did have the talk where i told him that I dont date several people at the same time, he said he feels the same way and that he doesnt have the time, money or energy to do so anyways. Now since everyone is online dating these days, a friend and collegue told me she saw him (after I showed her pictures) on a different dating site (POF) with an active Profile that he even re edited after the weekend we met. WHat am I supposed to do with this information..I feel played a little bit or am I overreacting? Thanks
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I might sit and wait to see how it plays out.

CoachJenK :

It will be revealed in time but if you say something now it could just cause him to run

CoachJenK :

It also hasnt been that long...so are you able to sit back and enjoy what you are doing with him and let it all play out?

Customer:

How long should I sit and wait though And why should I do that..he said he's not interested in dating several people but in the meantime he's actively looking on another site...I don't know if I can do that, just sit and wait...the longer Im with him the more I will fall for him. My girlfriends all seem to think I should say something but Im trying to look at it from a man's persepektive.Why would he lie though?

Customer:

What would be a proper timeframe though?

CoachJenK :

all great questions....you would wait if he feels worth it to you to see how it plays out.

CoachJenK :

from his perspective and why he may not be truthful...because many people on dating sites keep their options open until they feel sure about someone.

CoachJenK :

if this is the case and it does not feel right for you then you must honor how you feel

Customer:

I get all that but we had that conversation and he could have been truthful and tell me that he's not ready to settle down to dating just one person yet, but he said "I don't have the time, money or energy to date several people at the same time"Now let me ask you: Why should you wait until someone is sure about you...why would you wwnt to be a Plan B instead of a Plan A? What is the proper timeframe to sit it out before approaching a subject like this again?

Customer:

I am really uncertain as what to do...on epart wants to wait, but I have a hard time thinking straight and I cant relax when Im with him....Im confused..

CoachJenK :

Because after a month he may not know and sadly many people find it easier to give you those standard lines rather than be truthful. It doesnt sit well with me either. So it sounds to me that you would do better if you came right out and asked him. is his profile still active now or was it just that weekend that you mentioned?

CoachJenK :

I get it I truly do....you like him and that is why you are confused.

CoachJenK :

its okay...you are human

CoachJenK :

whats the time frame? When you gut cant take the waiting anymore

CoachJenK :

if you have already had the conversation once before then it isnt a big deal for you to put your needs out again to him and check in where he is

Customer:

Nope it is still active, he even changed/updated his intro Line to: "...message me if you want to find out more.Lets see if we are a match or a POF"...it wouldnt bother me if it was just that the profile is still up after a month , I have a hard time that he updated it on the other dating site (he doesnt even know that I know)

CoachJenK :

So it is clear that he is dating others and he hasnt been truthful. That may give you the red flags moving forward.

Customer:

Hmmmm...I guess Im afraid by putting my needs first he will run away but then on the other hand, if he doesnt care that my feelings are hurt maybe he's not worth it.....

CoachJenK :

casually say to him that a friend of yours saw his active profile

Customer:

I will do that I think, otherwise Im second guessing everything

CoachJenK :

yes and i think you will always....I hear how strong you are and quite confident in who you are and what you need...so go out and get it and if it is not with him there will be someone else who shares your values and has your integrity

Customer:

I hope IM wrong, but my heart says Im not....but best to get it out in th eopen...

CoachJenK :

i hope so too but yes always better to be forthright

Customer:

Thank you

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