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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Due to my mothers verbal abuse, and my self hatred, Ive always

Resolved Question:

Due to my mother's verbal abuse, and my self hatred, I've always been pretty closed about people and relationship. I know I have to let go of my past and like myself and have started a therapy for this.

I have a yearning inside, a sexual one. It's hard to want, ya know, to try and reach out and get nothing in return.

How can I let go of the control I keep on myself ? Is it wrong to want to hurt people ? I have those sexual fantasies about me hurting guys and I don't know what to do with them
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

Have we worked together before?

Customer:

Hello. Thank you for receiving me. No we've never worked together before

CoachJenK :

welcome then.

Customer:

Thanks

CoachJenK :

I am glad you have begin therapy as it sounds like you have some long standing issues that play themselves out for you now.

CoachJenK :

sometimes we also reach out to the wrong ones which is why nothing comes back.

CoachJenK :

by your self hatred you are continuing your mothers abuse and have internalized her voice

Customer:

You think so ?

CoachJenK :

what do you feel about it?

Customer:

The words aren't the same. I's just the lack of self confidence. I do not know how to look pretty. And cuz of a work far away from my area, I had to move and no sports were available, and I regain more weight than I lost. And since then her abuse has come back. I don't know what to do to make her stop. I tried the "if you love me, you'll stop" which didn't work.

CoachJenK :

how old are you?

Customer:

26

CoachJenK :

and the words dont have to be the same....the fact that you are suffering from a lack of confidence indicates to me that her verbal abuse has hit you hard.

Customer:

yes

CoachJenK :

I am so glad you are in therapy as that will give you the safe environment to process it all and heal.

Customer:

especially that it's kinda her fault that I'm like this

CoachJenK :

and you need a place to resolve that anger as you can see it spills over into you wanting to hurt someone else which I absolutely recommend you talking to your therapist about.

Customer:

My dad died very brutally and suddenly when I was 15. My mom was hit pretty hard too and she started drinking and going out with coworkers. She made sure I had food, etc, I never lacked anything material. I took care of the house and had very good grades

Customer:

The food she bought me was industrial one, very fat stuff, and I started to gain weight I never lost

CoachJenK :

you have had so much to deal with...I can understand your pain

Customer:

So when she starts ranting about it, I want to put my hand around her neck and slam her into the nearest wall

CoachJenK :

ok, well I dont like to hear that. Are you serious about that? If so, you need to get emergency care as this site is not equipped to handle that.

Customer:

Also the only guy I had sex with told me that I wanted to stay with him, I should lose some. Thing is, yeah I could shed some pounds, but I'm not deformed or anything

Customer:

I'm not about to commit murder, don't worry

Customer:

It's just very tempting, but I don't act about it, I never do.

CoachJenK :

and that is very hurtful to hear. How often are you in therapy?

Customer:

once a fortnight

Customer:

but it's a new therapist due to the moving around, I only saw him 4 times

CoachJenK :

and are you feeling comfortable with him?

Customer:

hm. I don't know. He seems competent, but I feel neither comfy, neither uncomfy

CoachJenK :

and I believe you could see them more frequently

CoachJenK :

it takes time to build the relationship so give it some time

CoachJenK :

but once per week could be more helpful to work in these issues

Customer:

I guess so...

CoachJenK :

you are in pain and you deserve to get the support you need

Customer:

But to release this anger and this urge to hurt someone, should I seek someone liking pain ? Like in the SM world ? I mean, if he wants me to hurt him and if I want to hurt him, it's a consensual beating

CoachJenK :

I would suggest that you work with your therapist so that you could understand it all before you seek anything out.

Customer:

why ?

Customer:

if I have a dark side.. it's part of me, right ?

CoachJenK :

because you have been through a lot and have had a lot of emotional pain and I believe healing from that is a good course rather than seeking out more pain or causing it.

CoachJenK :

the dark side is the emotional pain

Customer:

Shouldn't it be allowed to talk too ?

CoachJenK :

and that is what I am suggesting that yu talk of it in therapy. Get the understanding of it all and heal from it

Customer:

I see... It's just that I'm impatient to let go and I don't know how to

CoachJenK :

i understand the impatience....and sadly when there is so much emotional pain as you have suffered there is no quick fix or short cut

CoachJenK :

it takes time to work through it in therapy

Customer:

I still think my mother should be punished for causing this to me though. She's a control freak, and wants me to tell her about what I do with my salary, what I eat, etc. Weirdly enough I know that she does it for my good, because she thinks I don't care, and can't handle myself. I've tried living away, but somehow I can't leave far or long

CoachJenK :

my suggestions remain to increase your frequency in therapy.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

Well thanks for your time and help

CoachJenK :

I wish for you to get some relief and believe it can happen

Customer:

Thanks

Customer:

Have a good evening, and a happy life

CoachJenK :

that is what i wish for you

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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