Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
Have we worked together before?
Hello. Thank you for receiving me. No we've never worked together before
I am glad you have begin therapy as it sounds like you have some long standing issues that play themselves out for you now.
sometimes we also reach out to the wrong ones which is why nothing comes back.
by your self hatred you are continuing your mothers abuse and have internalized her voice
You think so ?
what do you feel about it?
The words aren't the same. I's just the lack of self confidence. I do not know how to look pretty. And cuz of a work far away from my area, I had to move and no sports were available, and I regain more weight than I lost. And since then her abuse has come back. I don't know what to do to make her stop. I tried the "if you love me, you'll stop" which didn't work.
how old are you?
and the words dont have to be the same....the fact that you are suffering from a lack of confidence indicates to me that her verbal abuse has hit you hard.
I am so glad you are in therapy as that will give you the safe environment to process it all and heal.
especially that it's kinda her fault that I'm like this
and you need a place to resolve that anger as you can see it spills over into you wanting to hurt someone else which I absolutely recommend you talking to your therapist about.
My dad died very brutally and suddenly when I was 15. My mom was hit pretty hard too and she started drinking and going out with coworkers. She made sure I had food, etc, I never lacked anything material. I took care of the house and had very good grades
The food she bought me was industrial one, very fat stuff, and I started to gain weight I never lost
you have had so much to deal with...I can understand your pain
So when she starts ranting about it, I want to put my hand around her neck and slam her into the nearest wall
ok, well I dont like to hear that. Are you serious about that? If so, you need to get emergency care as this site is not equipped to handle that.
Also the only guy I had sex with told me that I wanted to stay with him, I should lose some. Thing is, yeah I could shed some pounds, but I'm not deformed or anything
I'm not about to commit murder, don't worry
It's just very tempting, but I don't act about it, I never do.
and that is very hurtful to hear. How often are you in therapy?
once a fortnight
but it's a new therapist due to the moving around, I only saw him 4 times
and are you feeling comfortable with him?
hm. I don't know. He seems competent, but I feel neither comfy, neither uncomfy
and I believe you could see them more frequently
it takes time to build the relationship so give it some time
but once per week could be more helpful to work in these issues
I guess so...
you are in pain and you deserve to get the support you need
But to release this anger and this urge to hurt someone, should I seek someone liking pain ? Like in the SM world ? I mean, if he wants me to hurt him and if I want to hurt him, it's a consensual beating
I would suggest that you work with your therapist so that you could understand it all before you seek anything out.
if I have a dark side.. it's part of me, right ?
because you have been through a lot and have had a lot of emotional pain and I believe healing from that is a good course rather than seeking out more pain or causing it.
the dark side is the emotional pain
Shouldn't it be allowed to talk too ?
and that is what I am suggesting that yu talk of it in therapy. Get the understanding of it all and heal from it
I see... It's just that I'm impatient to let go and I don't know how to
i understand the impatience....and sadly when there is so much emotional pain as you have suffered there is no quick fix or short cut
it takes time to work through it in therapy
I still think my mother should be punished for causing this to me though. She's a control freak, and wants me to tell her about what I do with my salary, what I eat, etc. Weirdly enough I know that she does it for my good, because she thinks I don't care, and can't handle myself. I've tried living away, but somehow I can't leave far or long
my suggestions remain to increase your frequency in therapy.
Well thanks for your time and help
I wish for you to get some relief and believe it can happen
Have a good evening, and a happy life
that is what i wish for you