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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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my girlfriend has said after we recently reunited from a break

Resolved Question:

my girlfriend has said after we recently reunited from a break up, and both telling each other how much we loved each other and would try to make things work, that she felt the spark on our first weekend back together but now thinks she's lost it . Says she has strong feelings for me but is not sure. What should I do to get the relationship back on track?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I hear the strong feelings and I would suggest that you keep doing the things that you are such as spending time together to see if the spark can be reunited

CoachJenK :

plan something romantic , fun and stuff you used to do when the spark was there for her

CoachJenK :

it could be caution and fear that is preventing her from fully letting go

CoachJenK :

no pressure...light, casual and just be yourself...they guy she feel in love with the first time

Customer:

As further background, we both recently got divorced, hers was a much more difficult divorce requiring lawyers and 2 years to get sorted out, also her mother died just before xmas , so she has had a lot of emotional turmoil recently.

CoachJenK :

thank you for giving me more background...makes great sense.....

CoachJenK :

she has had so much to deal with and I am sure fear and grief play a huge part on all of it.

CoachJenK :

you being steady, calm and non pressuring can go a long way here.

CoachJenK :

when she says she has lost that spark it sounds like it is just buried by all of the traumas she has been through recently

CoachJenK :

I feel there is hope here in time and with lots of patience and loving support

Customer:

we broke up for 3 months in January and after my writing to her a couple of times she initiate the first meeting over coffee, which we both agreed went great. We got back together like old times within 1 week and everything was fantastic...then she went to the "lost spark" position. (also as further background, she was seeing someone over the period while we broke up but she broke up with him very quickly after we got back together...I think she was trying to see what someone else was like...maybe comparing to me??)

CoachJenK :

she is most likely not ready or capable of jumping into anything serious right now so if you can be there for her I think it will help

CoachJenK :

yes could be comparing and I think she might be a bit all over the place with her emotions because of all the pain and turmoil she has had.

CoachJenK :

slow and steady I believe will be the answer here

Customer:

yes , think thats what she is intimating, she says she is wanting to get her life together, planning to sell her former marital / family home. not sure about her financial situation, and i may have made a bit of a mistake in suggesting we could buy something together?

CoachJenK :

dont be hard on yourself for that suggestion...not a mistake since you were acting from a place of love. It just may be a bit soon for her thats all.

CoachJenK :

so if you can really slow it down and I know it is hard for you since you care and love her, but i believe it is all she can handle now

CoachJenK :

the spark was there and most likely still is.

CoachJenK :

she will be better in the relationship with you in the future if she can have this time to sort it all out

Customer:

so she says she just wants to be friends at the moment. I have agreed to that , as would always be her friend. I still drop in a bit more than just being a friend in our conversations and that seems to go down ok, so I keep getting the impression she wants to have a rerlationship with me, but is creating this distance in it that makes me worried that we may not get close again.

Customer:

So do I keep contact up or wait for her to contact me, how often should I contact her?

CoachJenK :

that is why your steadiness and patience are what may make her feel safe enough in time to move to another level

CoachJenK :

As friends right now you can still contact her but not so frequently that she feels pressure

CoachJenK :

she may also reach out as she might miss the steadiness and safety of you

CoachJenK :

try as best as you can not to worry about the future and be present here and now and let it all play out

Customer:

trying not to be a typical male here but would her age have any bearing on her emotional state? She is going to be 51 next month and one of my friends commented that a lot of the emotional behaviours is typical of "women of a certain age"

CoachJenK :

lol thats hysterical.

CoachJenK :

I see it more about what she has been through then any hormonal issues that could be occuring

CoachJenK :

we are emotional at any age and when there has been a lot to deal with we need our time to sort it out. does that make sense?

Customer:

how long typically is this likely to last? i lover her enough to wait for ever although i get some friends who urge me to move on. I'm just too in love with her to even contemplate that

CoachJenK :

I might suggest that you go with your gut and heart here and leave the buddies opinions to the side for now.

CoachJenK :

they have your best at heart but they arent in it.

CoachJenK :

I would say if after a few months of no forward progression you can assume that nothing is going to change in this area.

CoachJenK :

you can still date and be open to others if that is your desire too...nothing wrong with that

Customer:

yes, taking time to sort things out rings a bell as that is similar to the period a few years back when she was planning on leaving her husband and move back to the uk, she went "radio silent on me" for over 2 months. Maybe that's her normal coping mechanism?

CoachJenK :

excellent insight and it could very well be. too many distractions could prevent her form working through it...but eventually she does

Customer:

thnks, will sign off now and remember to as for "coachJenk" if i use this again!

Customer:

any last minute advice to add?

CoachJenK :

yes please ask for me. Yes...stay steady and patient and keep your heart open.

CoachJenK :

please click accept if I have been helpful

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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