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AskJason
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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I am engaged to a guy that I have been dating for 5 years,

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I am engaged to a guy that I have been dating for 5 years, I finally thought it was going to be time for him and I to spend time together since our daughters are off to college, well one of his daughters had a baby, he will be 2 in October. My finance is getting custody of his grandson, I am not sure how to deal with this as a fiance and a new bride. Can you help me?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.

AskJason : Hi I'm Jason. I'll be glad to answer your question. (My answers are intended as information and opinion only. I am not a Dr. or a licensed psychologist and can not offer counseling or medical advice.)
AskJason : When you say you're not sure how to deal with this, do you mean you are unsure of what role you should take in raising your fiance's grandson?
Customer:

I am not sure how I feel about this, I know I will love him and treat him as my own, but I thought it was our turn, am I being selfish?

AskJason : Not at all. I don't think it's selfish to question how this will affect your relationship. Have you considered this opportunity as one where you will actually have a chance to do something with your future husband that you have never done before? In other words, this experience of raising a young child together, one who will view you as his grandparents from the very start as if you were his blood relative. This could really being your relationship to a heightened level.
AskJason : May I ask of the child's biological grandmother will be in the picture?
AskJason : Sorry of the typo. *ask if the child's......
Customer:

Yes, to both, I have thought that this would be a great experience for us, but there is so much drama with all of this. This is the reason for my fiance getting the grandson. I am 50, he is 51. But I also know my fiance, he is 20 years retired military, and he does not know how to share his love, so I will be the one left out.

AskJason : You mean you fear he will live his grandson in a way that precludes him fro
AskJason : from loving you?
AskJason : The spell check is acting up. I'm sorry for the typo's. I meant "love" not live.
Customer:

yes, he does it now whenever he gets his grandson. Now, he is rushing to get married, but I think it is because he will need my help to get him from daycare, take care of him, etc. It reminds me of my first marriage where I was pregnant when we got married, then came baby, never time for us.

AskJason : If this is true, how was it while his daughters were present? You've been together for five years and I'd guess you feel loved if you are planning to marry him. Wasn't he able to love his daughters and also show you love at the same time?
Customer:

I really am trying to be positive, but so far this has been tough. He asks me how I feel, I tell him that if it was me, I would hope he would do the same, but to be honest, he is not wired the way I am. I don't think he would have supported me in this kind of decision.

Customer:

No, that's why I thought it would be my time since they are gone.

Customer:

I was patient and waited because he told me my time would come.

AskJason : I definitely hear what you are saying and am sorry you find yourself in this scenario again. Have your approached your fiancé and explained to him how you feel pushed to the side given his method of parenting?
Customer:

Yes and he tells me I am jealous and insecure.

Customer:

I will support him as much as I can, because I do love him. I just hope that he will love me back and see the sacrifice I am making as well. Blood is thicker than water, I do have a choice, that I know, but I feel like I am being tested, maybe this is my purpose in life, to give this child my love, maybe I will be the balance he needs. I just hope that I will not be the one giving up everything..

AskJason : Hmmmm, not great responses to put you at ease. On one hand he tells you your time will come when his daughters leave the nest. This validates your concerns over the way he treats you while they are there. However, he then tells you that you're jealous and insecure now that the situation has presented itself again. Definitely a problem. Would he ever consider going to couples therapy/counseling with you? There are definitely techniques you could implement in your relationship where time for one another is recognized as a definite necessity. Perhaps communication on the subject with a counselor would allow him to understand how you're suffering and maybe cause him to make some changes?
Customer:

Yes, we have talked about counseling, that was a must for me so we could determine if marriage was good for us or not. So we are on the same page with that. I think, not sure, but I think he hears my concerns in my voice, he may even break up with me so that I will not have to endure this. He asked me why I am with him, with all his drama. I simply say "because I love you". But I don't think that is enough. I would not be surprised if he tells me that he does not want to put this burden on me.

AskJason : If he does tell you that, it sounds like a cop out. If he truly loves you, wouldn't he fight to make sure you are together? Telling you he is leaving you because he doesn't want to burden you just doesn't sound right. I know these are your words and he hasn't said this to you, but if he did I think it would a real sign that you may have to consider if he is worthy of the love you are giving him.
Customer:

Jason you are right and I really appreciate your advice. All these are things I should really take to heart, he just said some things earlier tonite that made me feel this way. I just have to be strong and do what will make me happy and not be concerned about how he feels, but how I feel.

AskJason : A two year old child is going to be at least a 16 year commitment under your roof and a lifetime commitment of love and support. Have you considered just keeping things as they are for another six months to a year and seeing how things play out? If he truly refuses his love to you in favor of the child, then how will you be happy? Is his "withholding of love" inclusive of physical affection, or more about a lack of presence and mindfulness where you feel lonely even when you are with him?
Customer:

Yes, that is true. I have considered keeping things as they are, I have my house on the market, and I may still sell it and get a townhouse or condo. I have not been happy since he told me about it, I pretend like I am, but this hurts me because this is not who I am as a person. I just see how happy he is with his grandson, how they play, laugh. But when I want attention, he is too tired.

Customer:

I like the idea of waiting, I have been thinking about that alot. That will allow him time to be with his grandson, get situated, and I can see where I fit in. Because it will be about me getting in where I fit in. So, maybe this weekend we can talk about it, he is getting him on Sunday, so this will be our last weekend together alone.

AskJason : In an ideal scenario, your fiancé would realize that you are very special to be willing to raise and love his grandson as if he was your own child. This fact should make a man all the more in love with his partner, not cause him to retract. Humans aren't designed to compartmentalize their love to just one person. We are capable of loving multiple people in multiple relationships in multiple ways. If your fiancé is not showing you love, I fear it is not because he is incapable of loving more than one person at once. Instead, it is because he is taking you for granted. Only you can decide if the relationship is worth fighting for and trying to make him understand how a two way street works. You must be happy. You deserve to be happy. If your fiancé refuses to interact with you in a way that creates mutual happiness, then your answer is in his actions.
Customer:

You are absolutely right. I thought he would love me more also. I guess we will see. I will definitely keep your info and keep you posted. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

AskJason : You're welcome and best of luck to you!
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience: B.A. Psychology
AskJason and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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