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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I wanted to know if I will reunite with my exlover. We were

Customer Question

I wanted to know if I will reunite with my exlover. We were forced to be apart after our affair was discovered. She was born on oct 13 1966 and I on may 28 1961. We have not spoken since over a year and there is a lawsuit pending against me although things have gone quiet between us. I miss her a lot. Will I get a chance to have a conversation with her in the near future? Do you foresee us getting close as friends at some specified time frame?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrPsychologist replied 2 years ago.

Hello. I am a clinical psychologist and a relationship expert on Just Answer. It sounds like you are looking for a fortune teller to tell you what the answer is, but the truth about relationships and life in general is that you have free will to make things happen or not happen. I believe that while people certainly come into our lives unexpectantly and likely for a purpose, we cannot sit back and hope that the universe aligns so that they stay in our lives. As you know, relationships take work - hard work. If you want to speak with her then call her. I'm not sure what the lawsuit is about - whether it is your spouse suing you in a divorce matter or your ex-lover in some other matter. Either way, I encourage you to make decisions that will be helpful to you in the long run and are not just based on the immediate gratification. Goodluck and take care.

 

If this answer was helpful to you please click "Accept" (green button). We can discuss any follow-up questions you might have even after you accept the respone.

DrPsychologist, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: I am a licensed psychologist with over 10 years of experience in providing mental health psychotherapy.
DrPsychologist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The lawsuit is about harassment. I think her husband is forcing her to do this. They are claiming that she has BPD and that knowingly I took advantage of her. My wife has stayed with me, although I am working very hard to keep her happy. My exlover and me were close to an agreement which includes no contact with her or family by me and vice versa. They have now sat on the agreement for several months without responding. I think her husband likes this because it is a deterrent for me to contact her. What do I do? How to know what her true feelings are and convey mine to her?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Did not followup with me.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

I agree with the first response that it seems like you may be looking for a fortune teller. While I can't forecast the future, I have a Ph.D. in interpersonal/relational communication since 2006 and have been doing research in this area since 1998. I will try to help as best as I can.

I am unclear what you are asking. If you are asking "SHOULD" you contact her, I definitely would not break a BPD. This issue seems very complex, and I would like more information from you as far as how are you trying to keep your wife happy if you are focused on your ex-lover? Also, could you explain what you mean by "Sat on it" for a few months. I am unsure what you mean. If you can clarify these questions, I think I will have a bigger picture.

Do you all live in the same city? It appears that you may, and that may be the tempting point for you. Is trying to relocate an option for you? Marriage is a contract, and you and she both have contracts with other people. If you both were in agreement to break the contract, then I would say to give it some time and then be free to pursue each other, if that is what you truly want. But right now each of you has a contract with another. You need to decide what to do about your contract first (e.g. your marriage) before you can decide what to do about the other woman.

I hope this is helpful. All of the couples I have interviewed for various studies who were previously married all say the same thing--they needed to cut ties first before moving on.

Please let me know how I'm doing in my attempts to help answer your questions.

Best,

Dr. J. Barnett
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  DrPsychologist replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I am so sorry for not responding to your message. I did not see that you had replied.

Thank you for also providing that important detail about the lawsuit.

It does not sound like you and your ex-lover will be reunited. It seems - from her decisions to obtain a protective order and remain with her husband - that she has chosen to stay with him.

I am not an attorney, but I would suggest that you do not violate the protective order in any way, because you could very well be sentenced for jail time and a hefty fine, even for one violation. Additionally, violations of protective orders are criminal acts, and so you would then develop a criminal record.

I would be happy to provide you with referrals for psychotherapists in your area to manage your feelings around the loss of this relationship. If you would like me to send that information, please provide me with the closest major city in which you live and I will be certain to send you that information within 24 hours.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I want to clarify that the agreement has not been executed from their side, and they are holding on to the document since last September. In other words, there is no agreement yet. Could that indirectly say that she is not wanting to put a complete end to what we had going? If yes, then who is to say that we may not be back again together. Of course, I want to confirm if she has feelings for me and then there is the possible BPD issue.
Expert:  DrPsychologist replied 2 years ago.
There are some questions that you really need to ask yourself, like why are you still with your wife if you love this woman so much and what is it about her that you love? Is it that she is unavailable? Do you love her or the chase? Are you willing to go to jail to be with her because whether or not she has finished filing the paperwork you have agreed not to contact her. Do you care about your wife who has stood by you through all of this, and if you do, why are you continuing to hurt her? What is it that you felt about yourself in the relat with this woman that you don't feel with your wife and why is that important to you? How would you feel if your wife was doing this to you?
Do you have children, and if you do (or she does)then you both have not only hurt your spouses but innocent children as well. My offer for psychotherapy referrals still stands. Let me know.
DrPsychologist, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: I am a licensed psychologist with over 10 years of experience in providing mental health psychotherapy.
DrPsychologist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I know I keep saying the same thing, but you need to figure out what your relationship is with your wife apart from this other woman. In other words, if the other woman did not exist, do you believe you and your wife are strong enough in your relationship to withstand anything? I do not believe you can sort out a possible future with the other woman until you figure out what is in front of you.

It does sound like there is either hesitation on the other party's side or else perhaps they believe a BPD is too harsh. I cannot comment on their thinking. Yes, it is possible she has feelings for you. It's also very probable she is in turmoil over figuring out what to do.

Before I said that you should figure out your relationship with your wife. I still stand by that. But maybe a coffee with the other woman would help you realize what keeps drawing you to her despite the two marriages, a withheld BPD, etc. But how would you even contact her? I don't think you should hide anything from your wife because you have a contract with her.

These are all questions you do need to deal with. I think you are looking for someone to give you permission to talk to the other woman and continue to explore. I can't do that. You don't need my permission. But I do believe you need to seriously consider possible consequences before people are hurt even more deeply.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your excellent answer. I will do the right thing and strengthen my relationship with my wife.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I am so glad to hear that! You seem to be pulled in two different directions, and it has been my experience in counseling that most people find that more difficult until they make a decision and try to stick with that.

I believe at least working on and figuring out your current relationship (with your wife) will at the very least give you some satisfaction, which I think you need and will benefit from. But until you figure that out, it seems as though you will be "stuck in the middle," and being stuck is not a happy place for anyone.

I really believe some closure and at least peace with yourself will come as you work on/figure out your relationship at home.

I wish you the very best and hope I have helped. I will be on and off all day and will try to be available again if you would like.

Thank you! Best!

--Jackie
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I guess disappointment is borne out of expectation. The unexpected happened to me and with it disappointment. I was not prepared. I have to remove the other woman from the pedestal and put my wife there. My wife also deserves more than what I have given her from the emotional standpoint. Hopefully we can "heal" together and thus strengthen our marriage.
Expert:  DrPsychologist replied 2 years ago.

Good luck!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I certainly need all the luck. My wife says "don't turn to look back, you will have regrets but look forward, it is bright". Thanks again.
Expert:  DrPsychologist replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You have made this discussion worth ever word. Thank you so much. You are probably much younger than me but a lot wiser. I was clearly blinded by false but intense emotions. I will definitely follow your # XXXXX recommendation. Regarding your # XXXXX recommendation, I would like to first try improving the quality of my inner state (self control) through means such as yoga and meditation.
Best,

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