I would like to help you with your question.
I agree that her tactic is to take the blame off herself and shift to over to you. I am glad you see this pattern and recognize it for what it is.
"Going out with the girls" is certainly something you want her to do - when it is respectful and appropriate...after all we all need friends outside our partnership. But what you describe sounds excessive in many regards.
I see love relationships as partnerships...each contributing to the building and maintenance of the couplehood. I am not clear what she is contributing. From what you have written, you are her sole source of financial support, she has extended girl's nights, you feel disrespected and have little to say about her behavior. It seems that you are giving, giving, giving and she is taking, taking, taking.
Is this accurate?
You write that you care deeply for her, but realize that you need respect. And I agree. Without respect then you will may begin to resent her and come to feel used and abused.
To gain the respect and control you are speaking of there must be more trust between you and more contribution on her part. You are invested in the relationship but is she?
I await your reply.
There is always hope! It might be good to have a heart to heart and tell her how you are honestly feeling about the financial aspect and your sense of disrespect.
While you do not want to put yourself in the position of a "father" who gives an allowance and puts restrictions on money...you seem all too generous in allowing her to do what she wants without any responsibility to you or to the relationship.
So...in this case...I would ask you to consider what is reasonable. How far should your generosity extend without you feeling used and taken advantage of? Is it reasonable that she have some spending money to enjoy her friends and time out? Sure...but that should not be an unlimited amount of money that is used unwisely and that ultimately is wasteful. I trust that you have an idea about what you can afford and where that line is between reasonableness and excess. Same with car and other things...
If she threatens to leave...well...then do you want to be in a power struggle over her desires to have her way and your desire to be treated respectfully?
Your need to be respected should take precedence over her spending and personal whims. Perhaps she is not understanding how much it hurts you to be treated in this way. Let's hope that she will listen to reason and logic. If she does not, then you will have to consider how long you are willing to continue in a relationship in which you give and get little in return.
I am here. I'm sorry but I did not see a notice that you replied.
Yes...I approve of the actions you have described. I am sorry that you don't feel you can be heard. That, sadly, is about respect.
Exactly...if she leaves and doesn't come back...well then that is her choice. If she leaves and comes back then she will have to offer you the respect and consideration that you are asking for.
I am not so sure that you are 100% responsible for this. She could have realized that she was being disrespectful and hurtful and took it upon herself to be kinder, more compassionate and more invested in you and the relationship.
Still...I like what you have drawn up as your plan. There is much to be gained!