We have been dating for over 3 years and are not living together . She is 20 years younger than I and black and I am white. Recently she started going out with her GF on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Staying out till 4 am Wednesday and not coming home until 7 Saturday. I have no reason to believe she is seeing anyone else just going out with the "girls". I do not like this as often as it happens and not coming home so late. She always picks a fight when I try to explain my objections and will turn the situation on me by saying I am controling , imature, etc. She has recently accused me of seeing someone myself which is not true. I believe she is doing this to shift the blame. I am her sole souce of support with money, lodging, transportation, clothing, etc. She has no job and depends on 100%. I care deeply for this woman and do not want to lose her but I feel I need more respect out of the situation. When I stand my ground she threatens to leave and even goes to the point of packing her things. She left once for two days but came back. I really feel she does not want to leave and lose my support but she is using me and doing as she wants without my consideration. Please advise how I can gain some respect and control in this situationl
I would like to help you with your question.
I agree that her tactic is to take the blame off herself and shift to over to you. I am glad you see this pattern and recognize it for what it is.
"Going out with the girls" is certainly something you want her to do - when it is respectful and appropriate...after all we all need friends outside our partnership. But what you describe sounds excessive in many regards.
I see love relationships as partnerships...each contributing to the building and maintenance of the couplehood. I am not clear what she is contributing. From what you have written, you are her sole source of financial support, she has extended girl's nights, you feel disrespected and have little to say about her behavior. It seems that you are giving, giving, giving and she is taking, taking, taking.
Is this accurate?
You write that you care deeply for her, but realize that you need respect. And I agree. Without respect then you will may begin to resent her and come to feel used and abused.
To gain the respect and control you are speaking of there must be more trust between you and more contribution on her part. You are invested in the relationship but is she?
I await your reply.
I think you are correct on all points. However, there have been good times, many of them and I feel there is still hope for our relationship. Do you feel there is hope and if so, what can I do to regain some control. She spends my money to but "party" clothes to spend time with the girls. I resent this and feel that she is taking advantage of my generosity. Should I cut back on the money? Be less free with the car, etc. Whatever I try she will threaten to leave or at least start a fight but I want to try something to get us back to where we once were.
There is always hope! It might be good to have a heart to heart and tell her how you are honestly feeling about the financial aspect and your sense of disrespect.
While you do not want to put yourself in the position of a "father" who gives an allowance and puts restrictions on money...you seem all too generous in allowing her to do what she wants without any responsibility to you or to the relationship.
So...in this case...I would ask you to consider what is reasonable. How far should your generosity extend without you feeling used and taken advantage of? Is it reasonable that she have some spending money to enjoy her friends and time out? Sure...but that should not be an unlimited amount of money that is used unwisely and that ultimately is wasteful. I trust that you have an idea about what you can afford and where that line is between reasonableness and excess. Same with car and other things...
If she threatens to leave...well...then do you want to be in a power struggle over her desires to have her way and your desire to be treated respectfully?
Your need to be respected should take precedence over her spending and personal whims. Perhaps she is not understanding how much it hurts you to be treated in this way. Let's hope that she will listen to reason and logic. If she does not, then you will have to consider how long you are willing to continue in a relationship in which you give and get little in return.
I agree again with your assessment. I wish I could have a "face to face" as you suggested but it would be impossible. Any time I make my concerns known I am met with objections, accusations and threats. I basically cannot even be allow to speak.I believe I am going to try at this point to continue to be cordial, supportive in the basics such as food and lodging but not so much in monies spent on partying and partying clothing. Without vocalizing my objections let my actions tell her that I am not as happy as I should be. I am going to be respectful but not as attentive and generous as I have in the past. Her mother tells me I have control over this situation if I just stand my ground and allow her to go if she pleases. Her mother says she will be back.I hope she will get the message so to speak and make the decision to change her ways and take my considerations and needs in to her decision process before she does the things that upset me. I am unfortunately 100% responsible for allowing things to get to this point since I have been allowing this behavior in one or another for years but always forgiving and going right back to allowing her to get her way...What is your opinion of this tact? If she leaves and does not come back then I suppose it was not meant to be. If she leaves and does come back she may have a little more respect for me and what I do for her.
Relist: Other.Waited too long on a response
I am here. I'm sorry but I did not see a notice that you replied.
Yes...I approve of the actions you have described. I am sorry that you don't feel you can be heard. That, sadly, is about respect.
Exactly...if she leaves and doesn't come back...well then that is her choice. If she leaves and comes back then she will have to offer you the respect and consideration that you are asking for.
I am not so sure that you are 100% responsible for this. She could have realized that she was being disrespectful and hurtful and took it upon herself to be kinder, more compassionate and more invested in you and the relationship.
Still...I like what you have drawn up as your plan. There is much to be gained!
Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.