I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single Asian Japanese mother with a 2 1/2 son for about 2 years. I am 48 yr old single dad with 2 girls 22, 19yrs and 1 boy 14yr.  During the time I was dating my gf I was still married and separated from my ex.  I never hid this from her. I thought her mom knew about my status, but one day when I talked about my separation things changed and her mom started acting differently. I guess my gf never mentioned to her mom that I was separated.  

We live in Hawaii where sometimes we have cultural respect for our parents. My girlfriend was abandoned by her partner when she was pregnant with her son and I guess she did not have anyone else but her mother to rely on whom she lives with. Her mother was always there for her.

Till this day the son's father is not involved in their lives or sees his son. My gf even decided when she gave birth not to put the father’s name on the birth certificate. She did not want anything or any help from him.

Our relationship was great at first. I got along with her family very well. I use to help do stuff for her mom around the house like build and fix things also cooked dinner a few times. Suddenly one day her mother decides that she does not like me and thinks that I’m using her daughter. One of the reasons I believe that her mother may have thought I was using her daughter was that my daughter had just come back from mainland college and needed a use of a car to go to school locally in Hawaii. I let my daughter use my car and my girlfriend would drop me at work early in the morning at 4am. Sometimes after she dropped me off my gf would have to go to work at 6am as an RN at a hospital emergency room. I believe that her mother did not like that idea of dropping me off early and not getting enough rest to. I would ASK my girlfriend if she could drop me off and never TOLD her.  She would do it willingly.  Dropping me off at work would be temporary until I purchase a car for my daughter.

Also, I think her mom (widowed and retired) sees me as a threat. That one day we may get married and I’ll take away her daughter and grandson to live with me. I know her mother wants to renovate her house or purchase a new one, but without her daughters financial support she will never be able to qualify for a loan.  Needing her daughter for financial reasons she will not be able to accomplish her dream leaving her dry.

I have not been able to have a normal relationship with my girlfriend since Aug 2011 and we would need to sneak to see each other. My girlfriend had lost her job as an Emergency room RN in Dec 2011 due to her hospital closing because of bankruptcy.  She just recently just got 2 other jobs as an RN and trying to adjust to her new schedule and juggling spending quality time with her son at home.

I am now divorced, but things still remain the same. I am not able to visit my girlfriend at her home. I know my girlfriend needs her mother to help watch her young son when she is at work, and guess she just doesn't want to confront her mother and create conflict.
We continue to see each other, but that is rare.

What should I do? I tried talking to her mother about the situation and that I was in the process of getting a divorce. But even now divorced, things are still the same. You think my gf is so dependent on her mom now to watch her son and think things will change when he goes to school and not be that dependent later?

Last year my gf got pregnant by me which was not planned. I explained to her that it was not a good time to have this child right now. I was scared, not divorced and maybe even thought I was too old having another young child to take care of in addition to her young son. I explained to her that I thought it was too much for us to handle at that time. I realize I did not give her a choice. Well long story short she had a miscarriage and that solve the problem. I regret what happened and wish we had the baby.

We had a fight last year one night when her mother told her that she did not want me in her house anymore. While driving me home my gf told me that she could not see me anymore. I asked why? My gf went off and yelled at me that she did not know what her mom's problem was!  She told me that no one ever asks how she felt! Especially directed toward me for persuading her to get an abortion and did not give her a choice. She told me that she would've had the baby anyway even without me. At that time I guess she felt again that she was more indebted to her mother rather than to me. Probably remembering the feeling of being abandoned and no one feeling how she felt. Not to say that it is now payback time for me hurting her feelings (she is not like that) for asking for an abortion. Not considering her feelings then, maybe now she feels that she needs to really think about herself and her son more and is more on her guard since I made her feel abandoned not wanting a new child at that time.

Do you think she is trying to be more careful because of what I did also what she felt before having her son’s dad leave her? I guess in a way she feels a sense of indebtedness to her mother for helping her in the time of need when she had no one. Helping her through the pregnancy and raising her child till this day.

It may have seemed to my gf that I was taking my sweet time getting a divorce while I was with her at that time for about a year. My gf explained to me that she felt I was someone she couldn't have even if she wanted to be with me because I was still married! This was true. It was that I did not want to get a divorce. At that time I thought by not getting a divorce it would help protect my parents trust (both deceased).  Thinking if the trust was not distributed to me it would be safe from my ex-wife from touching it. I solely pay expenses, education and medical for my 3 kids and did not receive any financial help from my ex.

Before my gf use to always bring up the conversation of getting married, but no longer brings it up anymore. The tables are turned now. I'm the one that wants to get married now and start living our lives together. I try not to mention the subject of marriage to my gf too much anymore, because I know it can get monotonousness and feel like I'm always pressuring her. I feel when talked about too much the subject can get dry. The last time we talked about marriage was in early March, discussing that it's not a good time now because all of what’s happening and  maybe we could talk about getting married in about 4-5 months or even a year.

My gf told me that the difference between us was that she knew what direction she was going in life that she wants to be with me and marry me one day. Whereas I was unsure what direction I was taking being separated and not divorced. 
Should I believe what she tells me that she wants to eventually live her life with me?
It's hard to believe now with all that's going on.

She explains that her son is the most important person to her. She will do whatever is best for him (he loves his grandmother very much) and she cannot separate their closeness by causing conflict of getting married anytime soon. I think the purpose of waiting later is it may be easier when he starts preschool and slowly being weaned off with his grandmother. By starting part-time preschool in Aug and possibly attending full-time next Jan. What do you think?

I guess it is a good sign that my gf remains with me now even with her mother's conflict with me since 8/2011 till now. Now with her new jobs and juggling schedule now she is again more DEPENDENT on her mother taking care of her son since they all live together. A lot of times I feel lonely, 2^nd best and not loved as much.  I try to understand that my gf is going through a lot stress, trying to spend time with her son when she comes home after work.  Giving her mother a break on her days off and deal trying to spend time with me without her finding out that she is still seeing me and not upsetting her.

My gf tells me at time her mother takes it out on her son when she finds out that they went out with me or saw me. Telling him to shut up when he talks about me or tells him why don't you live with uncle Randy. That's why she tries not to make conflict with her mother about me because her mother sometimes takes it out on her 2 1/2 yr old son.

One day we were talking about her son visiting the father's parents, which he does at least once a month. My gf does not want his biological father present when he visits their house. Not wanting him to be confused who he is. She mentioned as far she is concerned that I'm his father now and her son probably already feels the same way too. I don't get to see him that often though, but I’m probably the only father figure around him. 

We're planning to take a trip to Disneyland in Oct together with her friends and their kids for about a week. This will be her son's first trip on a plane. I was planning on asking her to marry me then. But sometimes I feel that maybe our relationship will not last that long.

Do you think she is acting as a mommy's girl or that she still feels indebted to her mother? I know staying with me can stress her out because an important family member dislikes me. She tells me that once a person makes up their mind what can you do to change it? I tell her that things can be worked out if we were married and that her mother would need to eventually accept me. I would love her mother as best I could and that try not feel any resentment. I respect how her mother feels. I guess I go through similar scenarios with my daughter’s boyfriends.

We don't communicate that much now, her reason that she said to me that she has no time for me now, not even a couple of minutes to return my text or calls. But sometimes she tells me out of the blue every now and then, texting me that she loves and misses me.

Could it be true that my gf just does have time for me now and is stressed out?

What is the reasonable thing to do now?

Should I wait to see what happens?

Do you think my gf feels indebted to her mother too much?

Is it my turn to be patient now since she was waiting about a year for me to get divorced?

Let me know anything you can suggest that might help me!

Thanks, randy

Fyi, I have never talked negative to my girlfriend about her mother. I always made her feel that I respected her mother’s feelings.