My wife and I have been married for 3 years it's our second marriage,Over last year things have got worse arguing over silly things, after a heated argument that I had walked away from I was confronted again in another room, I led her from the kitchen and closed the door, stating the arguing must stop now, she went on to call police saying I pushed her!!Needless to say 20 hrs in a police cell I was released as there was no evidence I had done this, and aggressively I didn't!!On my release I agreed for some time out a few days, she don't know where I am or if I am well or not and her only message was 2 days ago asking when I was going to collect all my clothes as it was over..We only came off a £7k holiday 3 weeks ago!!Where has the love gone??Was it ever there, why does she not seem worried about where I am or if I am ok.Did she ever love me?? I feel used!!Not sure what I should do next..
Tried doing more around the house as we both work but to make it easier for her.. Just took more for granted..
She just moaned about things I hadn't done at home..
Booked holidays.. It's fine for a while then back to normal.
Tried not to challenge an argument but she will reflect on a comment I made in anger months before..
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX X'd like to help you out. From what you've described, it sounds like your wife has a tendency to hold her anger and frustration inside, until it finally boils over. I know you said that sometimes she will reflect on a comment you made months before, and that's generally a sign that she has not moved on or been able to resolve some problems that she has been holding inside.This may explain what seems like a severe overreaction on her part when you walked out of the argument. If this sparked an anger in her that she had been holding inside, that is typically how something like this could turn into a much larger issue. It is a similar idea with these silly arguments that you mentioned, and if she is holding onto anger or frustration from past problems, that does have a tendency to show itself in small arguments where such a level of anger or frustration may seem like an overreaction.It's certainly possible that the love was there and that it even still is there. I understand how you could feel used, but that may not necessarily be the case. However it sounds like her anger has gotten to the point where it is coming between the two of you, and her ability to manage her emotions may actually be the primary problem that is making you feel unloved and used. This may not be something that happened overnight for her, but it is starting to be the cumulative effect of not having dealt with these issues throughout the time you've been together. In order for this to work, she has to be willing to accept that she has been overreacting and admit that these are problems that she needs to work on. I would highly recommend couple's counselling which will help you with these communication issues. It sounds like you are very willing to work on the relationship, however it is hard if you are doing your best already and she is not being receptive. At a certain point there is nothing more that you can do until she is willing to discuss this problem with you realistically and work with you to help build a better relationship. I'm terribly sorry to hear about what you're going through and I certainly wish you the best. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.Ryan
Thanks,She was previously married to her ex for 2 years and was with him from school for 25 years, they had a on of relationship until they divorced, we then met, at that time they were still spending weekends together until she made her comitment to me, a year later we married, so I feel our relationship has become the same, she hasn't spoke to her farther for 20 years, her brother for 3 years, has no friends as she shut them out also with closure of her divorce.I am so different to her ex hubby as I do so much and am so loving, but she shows me very little back lately I have to ask to for effection, bedroom activity has more and more excuses now.Her ex texts her from time to time and I have to ask of his purpose in this, she causes me to feel insecure I have told her to be more open with me but refuses to agree and has security codes on all pc and phone but then when I ask her why she starts to ask to see my phone ect to which I then agree to let her look and have no security to these access to her.I continually tell her that security is what we make it but it don't sink in!She has made me push away gradually all my friends and family including limited spending on my own children to my previous marriage.My worry is she seems to need to be in control that I have allowed to happen and after calling the police on me I am worried she may continue to use this to gain further control with me.She says it's over and needs to make her and her daughter safe, over reaction on any argument that happened and the zero contact over the last few days has what is making me feel like the end is what she wants.Is me giving her space the best idea?Do you think she may come round?Should I now advance to solicitor stage as I am now homeless affectivley and she knows this..Thanks
Unfortunately there seem to be some problems there that are somewhat beyond your control right now. It doesn't sound like you deserve the treatment you have received, and I agree that it does seem strange that she feels the need to have security codes on everything. Control may certainly be an issue for her like you mentioned. It is possible that even though you have so many good qualities compared to her ex, that this is something she is actually not mentally prepared for. Some people feel that they are undeserving of love and affection, and will actually subconsciously drive those people who are nice to them out of their life. If you've noticed that she is systematically pushing everyone out of her life, it is possible that is what is going on here with you too. For now it seems best to give her space, at least until you feel like she may have calmed down. Since things are emotional right now, it may be difficult to have a rational discussion with her anyway, so sometimes a little space can really be a good thing. It's certainly possible that she will come around and give this another chance, especially if she is able to realize that this was an overreaction on her part. The concern would be that even if she does come back, that the same problems would resurface again unless she has properly dealt with them in the meantime. I agree with your concerns about her using this even with the police in the future, so it would definitely be important to make sure these issues are addressed if you're able to move forward with her.I know this puts you in a very difficult position and that you want to get through to her. Unfortunately it seems at this point like you are waiting for a sign from her that she is willing to at least listen and attempt to make this work. Hang in there and good luck with everything. All the best,Ryan