My boyfriend was married for 26 years and his wife died of breast cancer 5 years ago.His house is a family shrine to her and I cant get him to let go,move on and be with me.Its killing our loving relationship and hes not with me at my place now because he needed to dig the garden today and is now at home at his place.I hate it and resent it.What do i do?
Hi there,Sounds like he is not over grieving his previous wife. When you asked him if he's serious about the relationship, what does he say? She will always be a part of him, but you are frustrated with how much a part of his relationship circle she is taking now that you are in the picture, and since it has been so long. Sounds like you need to get a firm answer about where the relationship is going with you. If he is not willing to depart from the articles in the house, or move to a new one like you wish, then you may have to make a decision as to if you want to stay in the relationship. How long have you been seeing him?
Hi Lindzee,Thank you for your response.In the absence of family/friends to consult it is very much appreciated.Nov 26th last year is when we started dating.He is 63 and has 2 sons in their late 20s both living in London.The house is crammed with their stuff,his stuff,photos of her etc etc.I am 49 and have a 19 year old and a 10 year old sons.19 year old is at university and 10 year old is with me.We love eachother but I believe i love him more than he loves me.Our homes are 20 miles away from eachother.He likes to drink wine in the evening,listen to music and procrastinate about the "good" times.I hate this whole set up and its irritating the life out of me.Gardening is something he did with his wife at their house.I havent got time.I want to be out and about and enjoying the weekend.This is impossible isnt it?
It just seems like you are going in different directions...with the gardening thing and memorabilia. It is not impossible, but with your frustrations and incompatibilities, do you want it to be possible? It might be helpful to make a pros and cons list to help you evaluate the relationship as well. You have done some good work here, evaluating what you like and don't like, but it may be helpful to see your thoughts on paper. Sounds like he is just living in the past and you want to be in the future. Ultimately, you are going to have to make a decision.
Its the age thing isnt it?Obviously he has more history behind him than time left in the future in front of him.Im trying to get him to draw a line under everything and start afresh with me.Obviously the house is there for his sons.I dont care about the house I just want him.I love him dearly but maybe i need to love myself more because im only getting about 80% from him and im giving 110%.I dont do things by halves and it either is or it isnt.He says that we havent known eachother long enough to make a firm commitment and that there are a few ups and downs.From what i can gather his wife was a lazy cow who sat on her backside all day,never went to work or brought in any money and didnt even bother to have sex with him.I work hard,am constantly busy/at the gym and I like it 3 times a night.I just want to give him a shake.
I don't think age matters. You have not been with him for even 5 months, but you both sound firm in terms of what you want...and that may not change.So...you need to decide what you are going to do or wait and see what happens.