I have been in a phone relationship with a man from out of state who I met online for about 2 months. (By the way, I'm 43 and he's 51) I am thinking that I am being a hipocrite I cancelled my membership to the dating site on which I met him about a month ago. I made a different profile for myself just to see if he's still on and he is. Mind you, I'm not active on this like I was before. Before I was able to send and receive messages. I haven't paid for that and I won't be either. It's really bothering me that he is still active on it. I haven't asked him about it. I'm seeing someone here in town, but it isn't serious at all. I like the out of state guy so much better than the one here in town. I haven't even seen what he looks like yet. We're talking about meeting sometime. I'm really looking forward to it. I just can't get it out of my head that he is still doing that dating site. It shouldn't since I'm basically doing the same thing except I'm actually going out. Why is this bothering me so much??
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.Dear friend,I understand your dilemma and I will try and help you shed some light on it.My Merriam-Webster dictionary defines hypocrite this way:1) a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religionOR2) a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings Let's go with the second definition, as the first does not apply. You believe that if you are in a relationship then you should not make yourself available to others. You carried this through on your dating site (and also stopped those costly payments), but you surreptitiously went back on, not to meet more men, but to check up on him. You are still, sort of on the site, but not chatting with anyone else. Perhaps he is, and perhaps he is not. You have never even met him, and you can't expect him to give you his total attention and cut all his other ties. It sounds as if you are both interested in each other.You are, on the other hand, actually dating someone, sort of a boyfriend perhaps? Perhaps it is even intimate or has been; you never said. You never said if this out-of-towner knows about your local guy. If he does, is he ok with it? If he doesn't, than why haven't you told him? There is NOTHING wrong with having your local guy, not until you meet the new man and then decide that you want to try to make a go of it. That is the time for you to drop the local guy and him to get off of the dating site. I do not think you are both doing the same thing. He is keeping his options open, while you are actually in a flesh and blood relationship. That is quite different, and perhaps your local guy doesn't know about the new one, and wouldn't like the idea.I suggest that you take a chance, tell the new guy you would like to meet, and move forward with this and see what really happensI wish you the courage to stop worrying and to take action. That will move things ahead, probably for the good.Nothing ventured, nothing gained.Warm regards,Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHCIt wouldn't be right to expect more than you have now. You want to hedge your bets by holding on to this local guy, and he does by holding on to his site. In fact, he might be paid up for a year.Now for why you are so bothered by him still being on the dating site:It is because you are insecure, afraid that he will meet someone else on the site and drop you. That is why you are holding on to the local as well: insecurity pure and simple, which leads to anxiety.You are already a bit sweet on each other. Perhaps it is time for a picture, and then for a meeting. You might have fear about that as well, which might make you procrastinate about moving forward. I suggest that the timing is everything. If you act too quickly you can scare each other off; if you wait too long, then it can just fade away, or a more aggressive or forward woman could make her move and leapfrog over you.I urge you to discuss a meeting with him. Don't mention the website. If he knew that you had gotten back on with a different name he would think that you were a stalker and get scared away. If he knew about your local friend, he would probably withdraw from you. I'm sure he has his own anxiety about you as well.
The local guy does know about the out-of-state guy and he knows I will be meeting him one day. He doesn't really like it either. I don't blame him. The out-of-state guy does not know about the local one. I'm not sure I'm ready to tell him. I don't know what the out-of-state guy looks like, but he knows what I look like. I have sent him a couple of pictures. My plan was that if things worked out with him, I was going to drop the local one. Yet I still feel guilty about going out with him. Especially when we are intimate. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months now. As for the out-of-state one, we've been emailing, chatting, texting and phoning for about 2 months. For about one month, we've been talking on the phone every night. I really do like him so much better and I think about him a whole lot more.
Dear friend,I advise you to NOT tell the out of state guy about the local one, or he will drop you like a hot rock. I hear that you are feeling guilty about the local guy. You can't blame him for being upset. You have had a certain amount of bonding after all of these months and he now is expecting that you might drop him the same way. You might consider ending your relationship with him and taking a chance with the new guy. The local is not enough for you, you are not satisfied with him now, even if you like him as a friend. It probably won't work out in the long run. You are feeling guilty about this, and I'm sure that he is very anxious about your future together and must feel extremely insecure.Furthermore, if new guy EVER finds out about local guy, it could destroy the relationship.Sometimes we have to make choices. and I believe, for your own self interest, even though it will be painful. that you drop the local guy and pursue the new one. A clean break will be the best way to move forward without feeling guilt and anxeity.I wish you courage, strength, and wisdom.Warm regards,Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Licensed, National Certified; college prof;35 yr experience
Thank you for everything. I still find myself having to look at the dating site to see when the last time he logged in. And just last night, we, again, talked about making plans to meet in late May or early June. Things are going so well. Except for the knowledge of the dating site. And yes, I did see my local guy last Monday. But I know that if things work out, (and I sure hope they do) with the out of state guy, I am leaving the local one. That is my plan and I am sticking to it. I really do want this to work with the out of state guy so badly. I need to get over my insecurities.
Dear friend,Your relationship with the out of state man is still just virtual. You have not met. He may be insecure as you are. He is hedging his bets and holding on to this site. He may also sense, from things you have said, from nervous tones in your voice, that you may be seeing someone else. You are not giving him your full attention, nor your honesty, and this is bothering you and he could be picking up on it.In any case, it is not helping your relationship with him but may be damaging it in small ways. I urge you to make a plan to meet up with this man as soon as possible and see what the reality of the situation is before it continues to fester this way. You cannot live with deception, so taking that step forward would be the best thing you could do.Warm regards,Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC