Hello! Please remember that my responses are informational only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.

It sounds like a very difficult and frustrating situation.

And --it sounds like you've tried a lot of things. What kind of response do you get when you suggest counseling, medical assistance, etc?

What is wrong?

That sounds terrible, but his reaction so far is to alienate his family. Does he at least acknowledge that he is doing that?

Yes, they do --and you need him too. And, he needs you! I've seen over and over again how difficult it is to get men into therapy. Sometimes they are a bit more willing to take medication --but you said he said no to going to a medical doctor too?

I don't have magic words for you, but I'd encourage you to keep telling him in as non-shaming way that you can, that he is not himself, avoiding isn't going to solve anything, and that although support, meds, therapy aren't going to change the people in his industry, he might learn how to cope with them better.

One thing I've noticed that many men do respond to are word pictures, though....if you could paint the picture of him in an analogy....I am trying to think one

I can give you an example that's unrelated to you...and maybe we can go from there ----

There was this woman whose husband could never remember to lock the doors at night

She tried pleading with him, crying, telling him "he didn't care about her feelings,"

Telling him "it's important that he lock the door"

All of that. But whatever she said, he just couldn't remember...and it's not that he was uncaring.

Finally, (this was in a therapy situation) the therapist had her describe to her husband what it was like for her to go to bed with the door unlocked (or not sure it was locked) (she would always get up to check by the way --he came home late from work)

She told him that she had an image of some stranger coming in the door, and doing harm (which she described excatly what she pictured).

So --the description of what was going on in her head was vivid, real --but she had never told him like that before. As soon as he had the visual (with the accompanying emotion) --he started locking the door...he could connect with it suddenly.

I know we could make all kinds of crictisims of him for not being able to get it before, but that's not really useful. And, what I'm suggesting here, is that your husband is not clearly "seeing" what is occuring.

If he could "see" it say, from an outside perspective --like say if this was happening in another family, and it was described to him, he might have a completly different response.

So --now the question remains --how you can help him "see" it clearly ----

I have a few ideas running through my head, but wanted to get your response so far.....

I wonder if you wrote a letter instead ---that even if he retreats --it's still there for him to come back to?

Or --would taking him away somewhere help ?

too bad ---

Yes ---

The other idea I had was more of an "intervention" style thing....are you familiar with Interventions for drug addicts?

With an intervention, a group of people who really care about the addict, get together and plan to confront the addict. Generally speaking, each person writes a letter, and they state exactly how the addiction has affected their relationship. Then, demands are usually made, like "if you don't go into rehab, you can't live in our house anymore," that type of thing --I'm not saying it should be modeled just like an Intervention, but I'm wondering if there are other really close relatives or friends who see the effects of his stress on his life ----

Retreat of course, is always possible, but not until everyone has had their say and the person is asked to respond.

Yes...I know 11 is young

I'm thinking about it.....

What if it had a more positive spin on it ---do you all celebrate Father's Day?

OK...what if you created a Father's Day a bit early ---and showered him with special food, gifts, but more to the point, each write a letter talking about exactly how important he is and what he means to you? It's kind of expected on the real Father's day -- a bit different on a random day that you dub "father's day."

I agree ---

Love can melt defenses sometimes.....

You are welcome. I know it's hard to hang onto that hope when you're in the thick of it --

Yes! That's a big investment, it's worth hanging in there!!!

7 years like this is a long time though

I'm surprised he could keep going like this for that long!!!!!

yes, that is sad

It sounds like it ---he needs to know that you miss the "old X," or the "X you used to be," or the "real X"

I'm glad. Best wishes to you.