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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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my husband of 42 years an I were unhappy and he left , he had

Resolved Question:

my husband of 42 years an I were unhappy and he left , he had a friend ???? well my husband and I now see eachother often and he stays here often , we have become much better friends and our sex life is fantastic, he still has his other house and he and the woman ( an older .. model )
are still just friends ? he likes her company he says and they chat on phone.he has an awards dinner soon and she will be there, i would like to go with him , should I ask him to take me ?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The situation you describe seems to make clear you are fine about your current relationship where there is no formal commitment, especially around fidelity or an exclusive relationship. If that is in fact the case, you could talk about it and see what’s his position on this regard and learn from it, assuming you ignore his preferences and choices about this specific scenario.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Every relationship implies boundaries and limits to respect for it to work and evolve. Anything you do in your current relationship should consider such conditions. If there is something unclear or not working for any of you, you would need to discuss about it, that way you would learn from the very process of sharing what each of you expect and need from this relationship.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hope it brings some clarity. I see you are in the chat but chose not to interact. That's fine. Please feel free to contact me for further clarification. Thank you.

Customer:

I was hoping as our relationship continued to improve he would feel less of a need for his friend.. he doesnt seem able , or want to cut ties with her .my option seems to be accept the situation or not see him .I have tried to talk to him but he just says we are just friends I find this unacceptable but he just says he can talk to who he likes , but still obviously wants me , on his terms , kind of take it or leave it attitude, have I got mug stamped on my forehead ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello. I am very sorry to know you do not feel comfortable with current relationship but were expecting soemthing very different.

Customer:

what do you suggest ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you find unacceptable he considers to be totally "fine". Most women in your shoes feel very offended and absued by such approach but again, it depends on what you want to afford or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to be totally truthful and consistent with your own values, beliefs and priorities in life to make a wise decision here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you find this situation unacceptable, then exposing yourself to what would be considered abusive is not a good-healthy idea.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There must be consistency in your actions. Assess your core needs and expectations about a relationship, base your decision on your values and beliefs and do not sabotage yourself going against yourself.

Customer:

I would find it acceptable him living partially in another house and still intamite with me and socially but not as a threesome,even if as just friends ( which I find hard to believe ) he cannot seen to understand this just was hoping the improvement would make him choose ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see your point and it makes perfect sense, but reality is that he is directly telling you things do not work for him that way, that he does not want that at all and for you to choose if you want things the way you are and if not to move on. This is very painful but real, and you need to come to terms with reality for you to truly take good care of yourself.

Customer:

as my first Q should I ask him to take me to the awards dinner?

Customer:

do you think if I made it really good for us then he would not want me to move on /

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on what you have shared here, it seems obvious to me that he could feel uncomfortable with such request. No way to know for sure but asking him about it. Besides that it seems it would not be something consistent with what you state about your feelings, needs and expectations here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your words i would say that your acceptance of his terms implies enabling and supporting his approach, then it would not lead to what you truly want and need but to the exactly opposite pole.

Customer:

should I give him ultimation of ending friendship or ending marriage ? being aware I may not like answer ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That totally depends on what you want for you and your life. You need to choose between being one of his lovers with everything that implies or to rebuild your life being consistent with your core values and beliefs, needs and goals.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When people in similar scenarios look for support I do always make it clear that betraying themselves would never lead to anything healthy, fulfilling or worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That for a relationship to be healthy and fulfilling, it must be based on self-respect, love and support before anything, otherwise people do expose themselves to be used, abused and neglected by others, enabling it.

Customer:

do you think there is a chance of rebuilding my life with him and just me ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on what you depicted here that does not seem to be even an option at all, but just your subjective hope. It could become a chance and be realistic for you to have some hope if he happens to radically change his ways and approach to it, otherwise I do not think it would happen.

Customer:

we have so much good at the moment as we both are nicer people it seems to be a lot to give up

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When people truly want a mature exclusive relatiosnhip-marriage to work, they start by holding total accountability for their own actions and getting professional counseling support in order to work on personal and marital issues, and it truly helps when they are truly committed and honest, wanting to make things heal and grow, otherwise it would be a waste of time and energy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why it is only you who have the right and power to choose what you want to afford or not. Nobody has such right responsibility but you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people do stay there until they get exhausted for the other person leaves. some do set a time frame in order to see if real changes-hope start to be implemented in order to decide to continue or to end it.

Customer:

i cannot bear the thought of life without him is the truth ,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do recommend for those who want to wait, to set concrete time frames they could afford and then be consistent taking action based on what their very experience shows to them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I do seriously recommend you to get individual counseling support for you to work on taking good care of yourself, coping with it and on what you need and want to do-afford in this situation.

Customer:

our relationship seems to be improving daily

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you get and feel better and consider my recommendation for counseling support.

Customer:

i maybe should get counselling ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The fact that you feel you cannot live without a person, regardless of his presence and impact on your life is very concerning, and could point at codependency. This addiction-distortion in relationships must be addressed with professional counseling support.

Customer:

42 years and 4 children !!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry but things like this happen and we need to cope with them with all the family and professional support we can.

Customer:

you are very patient but i am very confused

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please seriously consider getting professional counseling support. This is not a simple situation but a serious life issue requiring time, patience, insight, and concrete help from your support system -namely. healthy family, close friends, some times from pastor or priest- and from professional counseling.

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Please be unconditionally gentle, honest, understanding, supportive and compassionate with yourself, specially when facing painful times.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks for your trust and please feel free to contact me for any further support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach