How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
64783947
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

ra-mc

Customer Question

can u start new forum
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

I am here. I will be back in this chat in a few minutes. Keep this chat window open and i will be back in just afew minutes. I hope you can wait.

Customer :

u there

CoachJenK :

I will be back in a few minutes. can you wait?

Customer :

sure

CoachJenK :

thanks.

Customer :

just let me know when

CoachJenK :

I will. just a few minutes. I wanted to at least respond so you werent left hanging, but I need a few.

Customer :

ok

CoachJenK :

Ok I am here.

CoachJenK :

so where are things?

Customer :

ok messy, not great

CoachJenK :

its always been messy... :-)

Customer :

had a really bad night, sent email.. but theres more

Customer :

sent this

Customer :

Lately, I jump every time the phone rings, hoping its you. I've kind of become numb to it the last week, so when I saw your name I was almost relieved. I'm glad you called me, even though I can hear how upset you are, and how lost you are.

The first time I took a deep breath this week was after you saying twice in your email you didn't want to end our relationship. I wasn't sure if you felt it was too much, or that you didn't love me anymore. Yes, I can't lie, it has been really difficult for me. To be honest, it does hurt you can talk to other people, but not me. I know you said i make you feel vulnerable. But as I said the other day, I need to respect and give you your space. I liked in your second email this week, you said you just wanted me to know where your head was. It may sound dumb, but its been so confusing lately that I'm glad you are letting me in a little.

I am sorry work sucks right now, truly, I know that is your getaway.

Me admitting I'm scared is rare. Yesterday, before you hung up, you said you want to tell me so much, but you can't. I don't fully understand it, and that scares me. Know that I will be here when you are ready to talk, hopefully soon.

I miss you. I keep hearing one line from a song " That girls my best friend" , over and over. The one thing getting me through this is knowing the person I love will be there with me when shes ready.

CoachJenK :

ok and?

Customer :

of course no reply

Customer :

was it bad

Customer :

theres more

Customer :

i went and saw work counselor today, talked for 2 hrs

CoachJenK :

no I didnt think so

CoachJenK :

good i am glad you did that

Customer :

i thought it was a ok email, kinda repetitive?

Customer :

anyway..

CoachJenK :

I liked it. It was warm and caring

Customer :

she told me i cant keep going on like this, and i need to confront her and get answers. she is getting to live life and i am suffering.

Customer :

she said she is being unfair and i am being too nice

Customer :

ssoooooo

Customer :

i did

Customer :

call her i mean after work

CoachJenK :

ok and does she pick up?

CoachJenK :

keep going...

Customer :

sorry

Customer :

no of course not

Customer :

left message, said hope she had a great day..

Customer :

told her i had an interesting day at work and talked to someone

Customer :

told her i needed to tell her about it

Customer :

said i need to see her tmrw after work, then finished with i love u

Customer :

then i texted her because she said she couldnt read my email the other day, that she needed to listen to my message

Customer :

she said ok

Customer :

then 1/2 hr later.. she replied..You cant say that and not tell me what its about!

Customer :

i asked her to meet tongiht,,, no reply

Customer :

then i said, i assume you cant, so let s do tmrw night

Customer :

no reply

CoachJenK :

it feels a bit gamey to me

CoachJenK :

too much back and forth

CoachJenK :

I think if you want to see her and tellher what you are feeling about this whole space then you let her know that just in that way

Customer :

that is what i was going to do, tell her i just need to know whats going on, and if she loves me to please tell me

Customer :

shit

CoachJenK :

Can we please meet to talk about all of this? I speak with a counselor today and I need to let you know how I feel

Customer :

shit

Customer :

should i text her that now

CoachJenK :

yes but the back and forth pulls you both in and then the pull away happens when there is no reply casuing you to contunue to reach out

CoachJenK :

you didnt do anything wring I am just wanting you to get some strenght here and request what you need and want

Customer :

ok

CoachJenK :

as the counselor said today.

Customer :

i feel lost after you said that, im not playing a game i just want to tell her .

CoachJenK :

the more she doest reply the more you seek her out.

Customer :

so dont reply and tell her that

CoachJenK :

She knows what you want. i ask you this each night and i know the answer but can you sit tight? :-)

Customer :

but , being serious, how long should i wait, i feel so lost

Customer :

last night when she said about so much to tell me but cant, i felt lost

CoachJenK :

I know you do my friend and that is why I am so wanting you to get some strength. you asked her to meet you tomorrow?

Customer :

yes, told her i needed to see her and suggested a time

Customer :

should i cancel

CoachJenK :

ok. well then wait until tomorrow and call her two hours before and confirm where and when she will be meeting you.

CoachJenK :

she has all the control now and you are definitely suffering because of that

Customer :

so i screwed up? i thought the counselor was right, but now im genuinely scared

Customer :

damn it

CoachJenK :

no you did not screw up!!!!

CoachJenK :

please go easy on yourself. expressing your feelings is never a screw up

Customer :

im sorry!! haha i confused!!

Customer :

do u think its gonna push her away

CoachJenK :

she is on her own roller coaster

Customer :

i know, and i thought about just leaving it, but counselor said it was unfair what she did last night

Customer :

help me tell me what to do next!! haha

CoachJenK :

you need to follow what feels right for you...not anyone else

Customer :

ok, u have read her emails, are a female, and know some stuff.. that honestly just why im asking

Customer :

know some stuff about her i mean

CoachJenK :

I know but you need to follow how you feel. I cant or this counselor cant tell you what to do.

CoachJenK :

I can suggest sitting tight tonight

Customer :

haha thats my only choice tonight!

CoachJenK :

you always have choices...I think that is the issue that you think you dont

Customer :

i dont want to lose her, i love her, i think she loves me, but i dont know how to do this

Customer :

i took your advice on counselor

CoachJenK :

I have said all along that she needs this space and understandably your fear has made it so difficult for you to do that

CoachJenK :

yes and you need the support

Customer :

haha i can tell u are upset i called her

Customer :

not upset, u know what i mean

CoachJenK :

support is good but it is only you that can really make the decisions for what works best for you

CoachJenK :

and because you feel lost you are willing to have us tell you how to proceed but you need to figure it out.

CoachJenK :

my goal is for you to take care of yourself in whatever way works for you that you decide

Customer :

ok

Customer :

gotcha

CoachJenK :

I have been consistent all along

Customer :

i dont feel like i can go on not knowing what is going on

CoachJenK :

I feel the pain you are in and I wish I had the magic wand to make it different for you

Customer :

i know

Customer :

counselor said i really needed to talk to her

CoachJenK :

and maybe you do but only you know when that should be

Customer :

i dont think her reply was mad though do u?

CoachJenK :

you are so worried my friend...you need to trust yourself a bit more.

Customer :

ok,,, in my heart this is how i feel..

Customer :

she loves me, you saw that in emails..

Customer :

think she is scared to leave him, either fear or something else

Customer :

or maybe she still cares for him

CoachJenK :

I think you are getting it.

Customer :

but in my heart i cant figure out why she just disappeared,

CoachJenK :

so if I said all that to you...what would you advise me?

Customer :

to talk to them

CoachJenK :

and if the replies were on and off?

Customer :

what do u mean?

CoachJenK :

sometimes there is a response and sometimes there isnt

Customer :

i truly dont know what that means

Customer :

that there was something else going on

CoachJenK :

you tell me that you text her and email her and there is no reply

Customer :

yes

Customer :

what about last night when she wanted to talk

Customer :

wouldnt know what to say about her call last night

CoachJenK :

I think the best suggestions i can give right now is for you to take a breather. your mind is all over the place

Customer :

haha

CoachJenK :

I would still see this counselor but not so she can tell you what to do but rather process your feelings around the whole thing

Customer :

you are right...

CoachJenK :

that is what i suggested for you. nobody can tell you what to do around this only support you and work through the feelings. and certainly in this medium here that is all i can do.

Customer :

yep,, you have really helped me real it in, i know i sound all over

Customer :

as the medium, just tell me,, and you may not ..

Customer :

ill ask a few yes no questions haha

Customer :

u think she still loves me?

CoachJenK :

you answer that

CoachJenK :

tough love here!

Customer :

yes

Customer :

she said it in both messages

Customer :

you?

CoachJenK :

excellent then that is what you hold onto

Customer :

your opinion i mean?

CoachJenK :

its not important what I think it is important what you FEEL

Customer :

haha but i really just want your opinion! haha

CoachJenK :

i know you do because you are looking for the validation but it truly is only about what you feel in your heart

Customer :

ok

Customer :

sorry

CoachJenK :

no sorries.

CoachJenK :

I am pushing you to stay present with your feelings and not give the power to anyone else

Customer :

oh this is dumb too. this morning the first time in one week, she played me back in scramble on phone.. that confused me too

CoachJenK :

no we are not going backwards here..we were making progress

Customer :

scramble is progress?

Customer :

i think she loves me but is scared to leave husband!

CoachJenK :

no you and i making progres with satying with your feelings and not having me analyze every minute detail

Customer :

but i like that haha

CoachJenK :

I know you do.

CoachJenK :

but that makes you feel lost as you want to assign meaning to everything

Customer :

ok

Customer :

i think she loves me but doesnt want to leave husband

CoachJenK :

ok

Customer :

ok..

Customer :

so now i am asking.. what should i do tmrw

Customer :

please dont say go with your feelings..s

CoachJenK :

I gave you my suggestion earlier...call her tow hours to confirm time and place and keep the schedule

Customer :

i know but she cant answer at work, so i will have to hope

CoachJenK :

then send the text. only one. give the time and place and then go there.

Customer :

on message i told her i would just assume she will be at meeting place at 615

CoachJenK :

ok then you are good to go. just be there at 6:15 then!

Customer :

haha stop being mad at me

Customer :

ok i will stop bugging you.. i know im being repetitive, and yes part of me is looking for your opinion

Customer :

i know you are saying u cant have one

CoachJenK :

not true I have given it to you over the last several nights but the difficulty is for you to take it in an know that nothing has changed for me

CoachJenK :

I will tell you all of it now...again..

CoachJenK :

I think she loves you

CoachJenK :

I thnk she is under extrme pressure

CoachJenK :

I think she is confused

CoachJenK :

I am not clear as to what the eventual outcome will be

CoachJenK :

my focus is on you and getting your strength and power back

Customer :

ok.. i am a person that just likes others opinions, and yes you have repeated it.. maybe i was just seeing if your opinion changed after yesterday.. be patient with me i have never been this in love

Customer :

i know, and i feel completely weak , because i dont have answers, and i dont even know the questions

CoachJenK :

I am completely patient with you...I am giving you a bit of tough love to get you on track to finding some strength

CoachJenK :

I know and my heart breaks to know that.

CoachJenK :

As I say each night I am here for you.

CoachJenK :

my feelings have not changed and if you tell me things and i feel differently I will give you a new opinion if there is one

CoachJenK :

I have been honest with you every night

Customer :

haha i know, i feel like an ass. im a man i dont act this way. but as i said i am trying hard, just by talking to u

Customer :

you have, and thank you

CoachJenK :

you are not an ass you are a man in love and you are hurting.

CoachJenK :

you are more of a man because you have reached out and I commend you for that

Customer :

so just be honest with her if she comes ?

Customer :

i am nervous but i think she will come

CoachJenK :

yes of course...always honesty

CoachJenK :

stay strong

Customer :

i will just ask for some answers, and hope i dont push her away

CoachJenK :

follow your heart

Customer :

as usual,,, ill let you know

CoachJenK :

ok. Im rooting for you. nite

Customer :

nite

CoachJenK :

good luck

Customer :

she just texted me

Customer :

i hope you are on

Customer :

she just texted

Customer :

come back haha

Customer :

sorry i dont know how but to ask your online profile

CoachJenK :

I am offline. I just signed back on to let you know that. I wont be back on until tomorrow.

Customer :

can u talk for a few minutes

Customer :

or u have to go

CoachJenK :

I cannot. I am sorry. I wont be available until tomorrow.

Customer :

ok, just need a second after she texted its ok

CoachJenK :

I cannot right now. I need to sign off now.

Customer :

today

Customer :

can u talk for a minute

Customer :

..

Customer :

ok just needed to talk

CoachJenK :

I am here now

CoachJenK :

good morning

Customer :

hey

Customer :

bad morning

Customer :

met her..

Customer :

was ok..

Customer :

told her i saw counselor,, she got upset

Customer :

asked her some questions, wanted to see if she would talk to me or go to counselor at work with me

Customer :

..

Customer :

held hands for a minute

Customer :

then said she needed her walls and i was too much

Customer :

pulled away..

Customer :

alot more here.

Customer :

told me she hated me and left

Customer :

admitted husband hit her last week and she started cutting

Customer :

said she wants me out of her life because i make her vulnerable

CoachJenK :

is there more? you can continue writing and I will respond when you are done

Customer :

said she loves me but its over

Customer :

thats basically it

Customer :

ill remember more, but this hurts tremendously

CoachJenK :

ok. I am so sorry for how much pain you are in. It is excuciating

Customer :

the worst

CoachJenK :

I know.

CoachJenK :

I am here.

Customer :

i begged her to let me help her .. she pushed my hands away

Customer :

said she wants to drink and be alone

Customer :

wont go to counselor now

Customer :

she said she hated me.. that hurts so bad

CoachJenK :

she needs to try and feel that so she can let go.

CoachJenK :

but you need to feel what you feel and you must take care of yourself now. you must stay with this counselor and be seen regularly to get through this

Customer :

should i try to help her, or move on

CoachJenK :

no you need to pull back...this is what I have suggested all along. you need to help yourself now...not her..that is up to her.

Customer :

ok

CoachJenK :

this boundary she has set needs to be maintained

CoachJenK :

you are a loving man but you need to have some self love here now

Customer :

its like she died and this new girl took her body over.. i know she is going through alot, but i miss the girl who wanted to marry me 2 weeks ago

CoachJenK :

you are right this is just like grieving over a death

CoachJenK :

and you need to grieve

Customer :

she told me..

Customer :

i love you, but i am purposely pushing u away

Customer :

and then said i suck at giving her space

CoachJenK :

and you must give her that space now you must maintain that boundary

CoachJenK :

you need to just do it. no other choice...you will push her away

Customer :

she said the main reason shes upset is she wants to leave him but cant afford it

Customer :

i did already push her away

CoachJenK :

ok lets reign this in a bit....the only thing to focus on now is feeling what you feel and healing.

Customer :

ok

Customer :

but today, i pushed her to leaving me

Customer :

that is where my head is

CoachJenK :

I hear you but she has made the choice for her own reasons and you will beat yourself up trying to figure it out

Customer :

so now no contact?

Customer :

this is gonna sound dumb, but she played me in scramble this morning. should i just leave it alone.. i know that is trivial

CoachJenK :

none whatsover. you need to respect her wishes.

Customer :

ok

Customer :

so delete game or dont play her back

Customer :

I KNOW THATS DUMB

CoachJenK :

no contact in any medium

Customer :

ok

Customer :

i know i need to heal, im dying inside and she doesnt care, she told me that. but at the same time i know shes hurting and it kills me

CoachJenK :

I want you to make some regular appointments with the counselor...that is your focus now.

Customer :

talking to her today at 4

CoachJenK :

good

CoachJenK :

that is your focus now...your therapy and no contact. you need to respect her boundary on this.

Customer :

ok, just wanted to talk. i realize this week was bad on my part, and i should have stuck with original plan after great first email. i lost her and have to try to cope

Customer :

ok

Customer :

thanks

CoachJenK :

stick to it now and get yourself the support from this counselor...I promise it will help and you can feel all that you do and heal. it takes time

Customer :

i have to ask.. do u really think she hates me?

CoachJenK :

no, but she wants it to be over and you need to respect that.

Customer :

ok

CoachJenK :

stay strong

Customer :

she has called me twice this weekend

Customer :

sorry you here

Customer :

??

Customer :

hello

CoachJenK :

I am online now.

Customer :

hey sorry u there

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
What Happens Now?

Your chat has ended, but you can still work with your Expert to get an answer to your question if you have not yet received one.

Come back to this page at any time to see additional information from your Expert.  You will also receive an email when your question is updated.  If you want to send a message to your Expert, use the box below.

If you have already received a satisfactory answer to your question, click the Accept button above.  Experts are credited for each accepted answer they provide.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency