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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2804
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Asking the same question as earlier to confirm previuos answers

Resolved Question:

Asking the same question as earlier to confirm previuos answers from another expert..Second Opinion? Would like a Woman's perspective now if possible.

My Boyfriend of 4 months informed me the other day he was taking a close female friend for drinks. While I have no issue with male/female friendships outside of our relationship, concern immediately popped up as to why he wanted to go for drinks alone with her and why I wasn't invited. Am I being jealous? Am I being irrational to think it should be a lunch thing not drinks, etc in the evening. I want to understand this myself because I do not want to cause contention between us but it opens the door for more to develop as far as I am concerned. Even though I have had issues with trusting previous partners because they gave me reason not to, this is a completely different relationship with a different person so I do trust him completely, but I think its more the situation that I was uncomfortable with. Lunches are a lot less risky in my opinion but I am trying to see this from his side too. I admit my reaction was a jealous one largely due to his being so upset with me for being uncomfortable with the idea. How should I approach him so it is healthy and productive? What steps should we take together to be certain we are creating a healthy balance? I really do not want either of us to feel like we have to "answer" to the other because we are both choosing to be with the other. We always communicate and both he and I make certain the other one feels loved and appreciated. This is really our only issue and I want it resolved sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX on the surface.

Please Help
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Customer:

Hello there

Customer:

So what are your thoughts on this matter?

CoachJenK :

My first reaction was one of concern as well.

CoachJenK :

I felt a bit calmer when you said you both have trust but it is one of these things that may be crossing the boundary a bit....some things we just dont do when we are in a relationship

CoachJenK :

I would suggest that you speak with him to let him know of your concerns and need a bit of reassurance.

CoachJenK :

I hear of your past issues but I dont think this is what it is...if you said to me whatever he does I am jealous over then that is a different story but going out for drinks? eh, not in love with it.

Customer:

thats my thought exactly. So how do I bring this to him? I want him to see it without being on the defensive so I was thinking of approaching him from a "I have researched this matter to gain all perspective from every possible side" view

Customer:

When I tried expressing it before I was accused of jealousy and mistrust

CoachJenK :

In the most loving way possible....I care for you so much and I support you and your other freindships but there is just this unspoken boundary about drinks at night with another woman that just doesnt feel right. I hope you can hear me on this and maybe do something else with her during the day.

CoachJenK :

yes I am sure he said those things. the word jealous is used as a weapon as if it is some horrible thing but all humans have it

Customer:

Perfect!!!! Thank you Jen!

CoachJenK :

so lets just play that out...even if you are jealous...so what...he can respect that boundary and be sensitive to your needs and feelings around this.

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure.

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