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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1354
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi,I need some help/advice. I have been married for 11 years

Customer Question

Hi,I need some help/advice.

I have been married for 11 years and we have 3 young sons together.To make a long story short about 5 years ago i caught my wife with another man driving in her car late at night (3 am)she claimed nothing was going on.Shortly after I found out she had secret chats with another male online for with love letters and such in these chats,he would call and I would answer and he would hang up on me if she didnt answer,once again she claimed it was nothing.Then I found out later on she had cheated on me as she told me but once again it was nothing and she said the conversations stopped with the other men,i caught her months later chatting again,we tried marriage counseling but she quit after 2 sessions.I did some hard thinking and decided to give her another chance.Things have been ok between us since then about 3 years ago since we decided to give it a shot again) and just today I find out she is still chatting with this person.I am at my wits end on this and not sure what to do as we have a long history together and children with some issues of their own involved.My oldest son has had an overdose issue less then 1 year ago and is recovering with counselros and such,my younger sons have issues at school,I fear if I bring up this matter and if we split up this will be very hard on the kids.I dont know what to do and need some advice.I dont know who this person is that she chats with,she claims she met him in schoool over 20 years agon,he claims they have never met but to find out they met 9 years ago somewhere.Yes,I have looked into her private conversations to find this out but it was the only way to find out,I only do this when something doesnt feel right between us.This person lives all the way across the country from us so I dont think they see each other (but I dont know for sure).Any advice on what I need to do here as this is eating me up.Thanks.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The kids dont know about any of this and we dont fight or argue to much around the kids.This is my worry is they love their mom and one of them will only communicate with their mom so this may affect things if we split up.

I put up with it because of the kids and I dont want to hurt them or make things worse for them.

Recently i was offered a new job so I am in the middle of possibly taking this job now I dont know what to do all the way around here.

Do I take the job?Do I leva emy wife?Do I tell me 9 year old,12 year old and 15 year old what is going on?
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So are you saying to not take the new Job right now?

Not tell the kids anything right now?

And to not talk to my wife and let her know what I know again that this is happening still as I havent said a word to her yet?

Do I just go about my normal living for now?

Missoula,MT
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
I am not comfortable advising you on major life decisions. You have to make the decisions for yourself because you are the one who will bear the consequences. I am going to opt out of this question to allow other experts to assist you.

Good luck.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
o.k.,thanks
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I do speak to my kids as if they were adults,she has turned my oldest son on my somewhat as he doesnt understand why
Hi,welcome to Just Answer.I will be happy to assist you with this question today.I will try and assist you as best as possible from here,feel free to ask any follow up questions to my info provided hereI have ahrd time letting her go out on her own at night sometimes with friends as she has told him things that I do that bother her but I havent let him know why I have a hard time.

I dont know ifg anything is really happening with this other guy as it is long dfistance and they seem to only communicate once and awhile online or emails,but allot of "I love yuou" and "kisses" type of stuff when they do talk as well as sending pictures (that I havent seen but heard of).

I am afraid I will worsen things with the kids if I make the choice I want to make by leaving her as they have been through allot recently including losing a cousin in a house fire two months ago.

I think it is time to break it off,but to tell you thr truth the only thing I am worried about is how this will affect the kids.

I have been prepared for a couple of years knowing this can happen again and to not let it hit me as hard to to let her know its over as I gave her a second chance and it failed.

I dont think I do anything wrong as I work 40+ hours a week to provide and do what I can with my free time for the family.

But this has gone on way to long and I want it over with as easy and painless as possible.

What are your suggestions on how to approach her and discuss this as she tends to bail out the door whenever i bring up something like this here and of course deny it as well as excuses why it happened.She can get into my head pretty good as a manipulater.

Thanks.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am currently an expert here on JA/Pearl.I worked at a dealership locally for 14 years before leaving to spend more time with my family and to help my oldest son with his troubles at the time.I have being doing JA for around 2 years full time now.The dealer I worked for called me and offered good money to come back which would still be local but I would be away from my kids again 8 hours a day or more when the last two years I have been at home with them while she went out and worked so they switched from being with mom to being with dad most of the time.If I went back to the dealer I would be away from them again and their mom would still work as well.

My oldest son (15) over dosed last september and was with the wrong crowd.He has since over come this episode with extensive out patient therapy and counseling as well as medications.He trusts his mother more then me and speaks to her more then me.He is also been diagnosed with severe depression.

My middle son (12) has started to fail in school and not wanting to go to school and class.He has had a hard time learning his whole life and we are currently working on this problem with his school.

My youngest son (9) is also depressed especially over losing his cousin recently in a fire as he was in every grade and class with this cousin as well as best friends.

So these are my biggest challenges right now and then to find this out today about her still communicating with this person adds more fuel to the fire.I do want to leave her I just don't know where and how to start the process.I know if I were to stay with her it would remain the same for me.

I thought about talking to my oldest sons counselor before I talk to my wife to give the counseloor a heads up on what I am going to do but I don't know if that is a good idea or not.

Any more suggestions.I can still work on JA and be ok but was looking forward to going back to the dealer full time again.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I would definitely suggest taking some advice from a local counselor who you know and who knows you family in greater detail than I do. At least all of your children are school age, so they will also be gone most of the day as well. In most family's, both parents work, so the after school issue will have to be handled. You want to be as prepared as possible and get all your ducks in a row before you make this leap. i know it seems like a HUGE leap, but you have several advantages given your kids' ages. Even though they are going through a lot of things themselves, at least they are old enough to be able to cope better than if you had 3 very young kids. You are doing right by organizing your plan before making your plan. The botXXX XXne is that you are obviously not happy and divorce is eminent. Nothing should change with your kids as far as you being there for them as you have. If you are still local, you need to work out weekend visits and whatnot and make sure you see them as often as possible and continue to be involved in their school activities, counseling, etc as much as you can. I'm sure you already know this anyway. Make sure that when you spend time with your kids that you make every second count. You don't want her manipulating them and putting bad things in their heads about you. If you are as supportive as possible and always there for them, even if not living with them, you can be sure they will see through any games she may play in this regard. it is a difficult situation, no doubt, but you can get through it.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1354
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you very much for this help.Much appreciated.The dealership job I can put on hold if I need to as they told me anytime I am ready.

I will make my plans and go from there.

Thank you.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Will do
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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