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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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my husband has left me we have tow small boys and i have made

Resolved Question:

my husband has left me we have tow small boys and i have made so many mistakes so far, i just want him to come home, we have been together for 14 years and live in Spain i dont know what to do or where to go from here,
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most people in your shoes would feel overwhelmed by these circumstances.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times spouses chose to leave when they feel hopeless about their marriages.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From your question I can see you acknowledge you made many mistakes leading to current situation, that you feel sorry for all of that and want a new chance.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In a situation like yours it is also the children who suffer from the family disruption so it is even more crucial to truly work hard on making changes in order to promote reconciliation and family reunification.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How to do that?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Well, the best way to so that after apologizing for your own mistakes, is to hold total accountability and to commit to make things different with the right support. If this has been an ongoing situation I imagine you have tried but have been unsuccessful before, that's why getting professional counseling support makes total sense and seems necessary here for you to make essential changes leading to a higher chance for reconciliation.

Customer:

Hello Rafael thank you for chatting with me can you help me, I want my husband to see sence that he ismaking a big mistake and come home yes the children are suffering from all this

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Spouses could be truly resistant as long as they do not actually see concrete changes, and that involved more than words, it takes consistent actions showing them you are serious this time and already working on yourself with professional counseling support. That would be the best approach giving you chances for reconciliation.

Customer:

we live in Spain i have no family here, we was all meant to be moving bcak to the uk, my husband got promoted at work so we desided to stay and now he has left i dont know where to go or what to do ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see to tell my clients that words could be useless and meaningless if they do not match concrete actions, that it is through concrete and consistent actions in time that we show what we truly think, feel, want and create in our lives, so for spouses in similar situations to trust them and only take words if they match actions. This is what I truly believe could help you heal and rebuild your marriage as long as he still feels like trying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you think he would not continue to financially support you there?

Customer:

yes,

Customer:

he has his own place but i am stuggerling, and i have to move places to.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Family is key playing a huge role in your support system, so please keep in touch with them in order to get their support, emotionally and if needed even financially too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Close friends are the other part of a support system a person must trust when in a situation like this. If you feel you would not be able to afford your situation financially then things get more serious since you have to take care of self and two children.

Customer:

he tells me he needs time to think about coming back, but has since been to see a Divorce lawyer, he planned all this, he went on a bussiness trip, to Madrid sent me a txt on the way home saying he has missed me and loves me. we was intermate all week end we went out wit our children friday and sat, then he packed and left on the sunday i am heart broken

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right now you need to assess your core priorities, and one of them is about taking good care of your basic daily life needs, from housing to money for meals and paying your bills. If your husband is unwilling to do that considering you were depending on that and that he has the means, then other alternatives should be considered here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then the last sharing you had was not a negative one but he seemed to be fine, loving and things appeared to be working for good, and then he just chose to leave?

Customer:

he says he will pay for rent and bills. he has done this before and left me with nothing i got a job and stood on my own two feet then he came back we relocated to anothe part or Spain for his new job and now i can not find work where i am.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then how long ago did he leave?

Customer:

11 days ago, yes he just left.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to hear that. I do not know what were the many mistakes you made in this marriage but what you share here about him leaving several times before and leaving you and your children with no financial support, in a foreign country is just unacceptable, it very abusive and neglectful behavior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not know of any valid reason for a man to leave spouse and children in similar circumstances without making sure they would be fine around meeting their core needs, doing that shows real lack of accountability, maturity and caring.

Customer:

yes this i know, he thinks it all my fault, i had a very bad up bringing and its hard to know any different to know what is abusive and normal,...we did fallout about his job that is all. oh and our son had been having problems at school fitting it and fighting and my hisband chose to ignore it all.

Customer:

sorry at school.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Regardless of your marital problems he must be accountable for your financial situation considering you have no job and that you have two children, Whatever happens with the marriage it does not justify his neglectful-abusive actions leaving you with no financial support.

Customer:

he has gave me some money but the wage is on is low here in spain yo dont get as much i was earning a lot more that him and gave up my job to move to this new place that i dont like,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to hear that, and it does show serious mistakes and neglect-abuse from him and only one from you, mainly, allowing this to get this far.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you said about how your bad upbringing distorted your assessment of reality makes perfect sense.

Customer:

i have packed up the home and dont know where to go...he has been to see the children and even stayed over on monday night just gone...he can not afford to live where he is and give me money to. what shall i do to wipe away the tears and get stong again ? i just want to be held and told everything will some day be ok again...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please learn from your own experience and pain, this is not OK. If he leaves because of his lack of satisfaction with marriage that's OK, but it should never imply neglecting nor abusing any of you at any level liek he seems to be doing once more.

Customer:

i feel very lonley and vunerble here....yes i have the med and the sun but its not making things and better

Customer:

yes he did this 3 years ago...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Things would not transform themselves and get nice if both spouses do not want it and work hard to build such reality, and what you depict here shows a lot of neglect, abuse and manipulation not from you but from him.

Customer:

he wanted his family his mum dad sister and was lonely so he left us here,

Customer:

and went bk to the Uk,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perhaps considering going back to UK should be considered as a realistic and assertive alternative for you to take good care of self and children with the support you all need and deserve. This is not only about financial means but taking good care of your emotional and psychological well-being which seem to have been deeply neglected and undermined by marital issues and his actions.

Customer:

i feel that we could of got through this blow out with work, and him now wanting to stay here in spain, but he has chose to walk out and i am in shock and never expected this again he has admited to treating me bad and wants me to be happy..

Customer:

i am considering going back more for the children than me..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

So he left the new high paying new job there to go back to the UK? If you do not feel you got the means and conditions there, the ones you need and deserve to develop a healthy and stable life, then it would make perfect sense to consider going back home with your own family.

Customer:

its just so dam cold there- i hae no money to get back and we also have 3 dogs that i love and could never part with

Customer:

thank you for you honest answers i am feeling mush better by chatting with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then what I recommend you to consider is this: Focus on the most viable , realistic and supportive approach to take the best care possible of self and children.

Customer:

my family are not there for me, they have never even seen Santino, my angle, he is 5 this year...

Customer:

my daughter is in the Uk, i have been though all this once before i had a baby at 18 and he gave me nothing ever. she is now 21.

Customer:

my heart is in Almeria where we lived for 4 years I left there as husband left me and there is no work there, we then wentto Mijas i worked hard and made a lot of money but hated it there dose not feel like spain and i had no friends. the we moved to Nerja 9 months ago for his job, and i dont weather to fly home or go left or right on the coast rd.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.Then please if you have no means to go back and even considering you would prefer to stay there, then please, hold on for a while, keep working hard on getting a new better paying job, while assessing alternative places with a more affordable life than there. Get in touch with family and friends back in the UK and ask for their emotional support and for them to help you getting your husband responsible action sending you the money you need and deserve, since it is unacceptable, abusive and neglectful, so illegal for him to keep doing that. They should and could help you with that and if possibly with some financial support until you get a better job and money from him.

Customer:

Mijas is the most viable, and realasitic

Customer:

ok i will do that ...

Customer:

how long dose this last, for ...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please assess your main priorities now and take consistent action, taking this painful experiences as a means for you to awake to a better reality, a painful process but a better good chance for you and your children to rebuild a healthy and fulfilling life with no further abuse or neglect.

Customer:

yes i will try..

Customer:

if i need to chat with you again do u have your own link or will i get some one new. on the site

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is different for each person, but depending on how much and good you truly commit to take good care of yourself and children things would get better sooner or not. Then please do your best, XXXXX XXXXX to be and feel happy with your children, and you can do it for sure.You have worked hard before, and now you need it too but setting your own well-being and safety as main priorities. Trust good friends and work on creating new healthy relationships, that is important.

Customer:

thank you ....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In this site you can only contact me if you post a question literally directing it to me mentioning you want "Rafael" to answer it, that way I would know you want my support and will reply ASAP.

Customer:

oh ok thank you ...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please commit to your own healing and growth next to your children and without any abuse or neglect you do not need nor deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle and consistent care. Bye for now.

Customer:

yes i know this....i will try ...and hopefully mend..an be stronger, ...Ruth

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes! I support you, Ruth. Thanks and bye for now.

Customer:

Good bye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to Accept the Answer if you feel it was helpful for the session to be closed. Thanks. Bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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