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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1381
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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******* This question is for either Kate McKoy or Dr. Paige: *******

I have been married for 7 years and have a 2 and 1/2 year old daughter. I have a 12 and and 11 year old from a previous marriage. My wife and I have been having marriage problems for the past year. We fight often, sex is not in the picture and its like we have been friends. She has a history of anxiety and depression which I knew going into the marriage. I am an RN so I tend to want to take care of people in all the relationships I have been in. I think the wear and tear of the depression has taken a toll on me as well. I am away this week for business and she texted me that she knows she hasnt been there mentally for me to support me with a business I am starting and this is true..we havent been there for each other. The problem is, I dont have it it me to work on this marriage any more. We tried books and went went to a councilor and I said this.
Here is the bigger problem:
I started a weight loss contest in January that is held online. You chat with people from all over the US are are in the same contest giving weight loss advice and such. I hit it off great with Becky, who is in the same contest. We messaged each other on there and after awhile we decided to text each other support. Thats all it was. After while, we discussed family, kids, my business and the weight loss goals. She knows I am married but not happy. Over time, I started falling for Becky. Becky is not the reason my marriage wasn't working...it hasn't for a long time. Becky doesnt need me to take of her. She is the first strong independent woman I have fallen for.
I come to Vegas 4 times a year for seminars and we decided that by sticking to this contest together that on my next trip out here, she would come for 4 out of the 10 days

I am in Vegas now and she came last Friday...was suppose to leave on Tuesday but said her daughter needed her back so she left on Monday. We went to dinners, some shows and drove 5 hours each way to the Grand Canyon. I think I just held her hand a few times and gave her a small kiss twice. Nothing more than that. When she left, I started asking myself about this situation. Becky and I get along so well...we have the same family values, she makes me a better person and I want to do the same for her. Love is such a overused word which I hate using but I do love her. I cant imagine my life without her.

After she left, I shared this with her. That I believe I love her, see myself with her and my marriage failing had nothing to do with her..that this has been going on for over a year. She lives in Texas and I am in St Louis. She is super super close to her family and that is something she is battling right now. She thinks I am a great guy but is hesitant because of her family. She has a 8 year old daughter. I support her flying back each month seeing her family. She may ultimately decide she just cant leave her family and I want her to be happy and would never push her to do something she would resent me for. Her decision is up in the air.

For me...I want to do what is right here. I could let Becky go and focus on my marriage again which is what my wife wants. I think about that and I cant get Becky out of my mind. I love her and would regret and always wonder if I let the person I love go. I am afraid that this would stay with me forever. My stomach and heart hurts when I say that.

I need some advice on the direction to go here. I typed up a sheet on which I wrote how I would explain this to my wife. She knows we havent been here for each other and I would be honest and say I met someone from the weightloss site that grew on me because of what we shared and now I am confused. Maybe that is not what I should say. Please help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.

AskJason : Hi, I would be glad to try to answer your question.
AskJason : Sorry just read your intro. I will let the experts you requested reply. Best of luck!
Customer:

Jason, I have a question for you?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I see your predicament here and know it is difficult to make such a huge, life changing decision which will effect a lot of people. I would recommend taking some time for yourself and maybe separate from your wife for awhile. This would give you a few options. You would have time to sort out your head and your heart, it would give your wife the time to understand that a divorce may be eminent. She does not need to know about Becky right now. Your marriage is already having its own issues and she is aware of that. If you separate from her, she will know it is not ultimately because of another person. Discussing your marriage, its problems and working on it or not working on it needs to be its own issue right now. It sounds impossible, but keep the Becky situation and your marriage situation separate. Of course it all ties together, but it can make it easier to deal with if you are able to handle it that way.
If you feel you must tell your wife about Becky, then do what you think is best, XXXXX XXXXX think it may be too much all at once, especially if you don't know where your relationship with Becky is going. basically, I'm saying one thing at a time. If it wasn't for Becky, would you still be heading towards a divorce? You need to be 100% in your decisions, so you need to make sure you are taking the time you need to make the right choices. What it comes down to is as I said before, I think you need to take some time for yourself right now and get some clear thoughts. If you can stay with a friend or family member for awhile, that would be ideal.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1381
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dr. Paige,

I wanted to just say thank you very much. Your answer was just incredible and went against what I was going to do and just lay it all out when I get home next week. You are 100% right that I take time to myself and make absolute sure in whatever decision I decide. Whether it works out with Becky or not, this will give me the clarity to make the correct decision that is fair to both Tiffanie and myself. You are a GENIUS:)
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
Psychologist
1320 Satisfied Customers
Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist