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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I am in a new relationship of only two months. I notice every

Customer Question

I am in a new relationship of only two months. I notice every time I am in a new relationship I act needy ask a lot of insecurity questions since it is new and guys have broken my heart before. I am more confident when I am single and I glow thats why men find me attractive. But when I am in a realtionship I call them, etc etc and they get frustrated to the point where I push them away and they break up with me. How do I become secure and confident and get that glow back that I had when I met the guy?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

so glad you reached out. As for so many of us when we enter into a new relationship and we like the other person it can kick up all of these anxieties that you are experiencing. it leads us to feel needy and wanting reassurance.

CoachJenK :

the simple answer is to proceed slowly and try and maintain the sense of self while in connection with another person and this is achieved by staying connected to all of the things and people that you love.

CoachJenK :

this helps to be who you are, live your life and maintain that glow that is so attractive.

CoachJenK :

allow yourself to know this is normal and all relationships can have the ability to kick up a lot of our emotional needs and worries from the past.

Customer:

how do I do that? Do you know any good programs, books etc? Im 28 and live on my own and have few friends. I've always had self esteem and confident issues in a relationship bc I was emotionally abused in the past ( 3 yrs ago)

CoachJenK :

If you are open to listening to some relaxation and self-hypnosis cd's there is a wonderful guy who does some brilliant work that is truly helpful and he has one on self esteem found here. http://www.stevegjones.com/lowselfesteemhypnosistherapycdmp3.htm

Customer:

When Im into a guy I really like I act clumsy, ditzy and so needy it pushes them away so I dont know how to be confident when I am into them. When I dont like a guy I act confident and they end up liking me but I m not interested in them

CoachJenK :

exactly and it is normal as we want it to work so bad and all of our insecurities and past hurst come flooding in.

Customer:

so what can I do to be more secure? any other advice

Customer:

because I tend to push guys away when I behave like this

CoachJenK :

yes....

CoachJenK :

it will take some time to truly understand why this is for you and so a lot of self talk reminding yourself..oh I know what this is this is when my insecurities come up and it is not about this current relationship but more about feelings from the past. I know that might sound silly and simple but you have to bring it into your awareness as it is happening and do other things rather than reaching out o those times that may push them away

CoachJenK :

I also like the cd aboeve that I suggested.

Customer:

I will check out the CD, but what about good books, I like to read

CoachJenK :

excellent. Here is one I would suggest. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=being+needy+in+relationships

CoachJenK :

the direct link to the book http://www.amazon.com/Boost-Your-Self-Esteem-CBT-Relationships/dp/0071701044/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1335978381&sr=8-2

CoachJenK :

and another one http://www.amazon.com/KNOWYOURROLE-Every-Womans-Little-Black/dp/0615433286/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1335978381&sr=8-6

Customer:

Great! :)

CoachJenK :

the first one is similar to what I was suggesting in that you will need to work on changing the thoughts about it so your behaviors can change around it

CoachJenK :

and the most important thing is to go easy on yourself around this and limit the judgments around it...we all feel these things at times and it is okay to feel them and explore them so it can be different for you.

CoachJenK :

i see that you are offline. Let me know how else I can support you. If you are satisfied please click accept and come to me anytime you need.

Customer:

Sorry my computer froze..I'm back. Thank you.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
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