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AskJason
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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I am 28 years old and have started dating a man who is 21 years

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I am 28 years old and have started dating a man who is 21 years old. I live on my own he lives with his parents. We have been dating for two months and the relationship is moving quite fast. ( meaning, he spends the night sometimes, etc) we have already told each other we love each other and he has told me he is in love, that he Knows I am the girl he is going to marry. He is also pretty religious which is what I love as well. So my question is this, I am very into him and see myself marrying him and so does he, but when he mentioned he wants to move in with me before we get married I kind of got worried. I know that research says people don't last. I went through a very painful emotional abusive relationship in the past where I moved in with the guy and I was miserable. What I am also struggling as well is that I am not 100 percent sure if I am fully recovered from that experience since I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 yrs and lived with him for 2 in the 5 yr period. I also notice that my current boyfriend gets a bit frustrated with me because I talk a lot about my fears and compare him to my ex. I also dont know what to do to not act needy ( as in I want a lot of attention from my current boyfriend because he is busy and when I'm into a guy I act needy) Please help me, I really want this to work. Everyone tells me it's too fast that I don't know anything about this guy etc ( all negative) How can I get to know him more and allow our love to grow etc? I dont want to make the same mistake. We are also taking a trip out of town for him to meet my parents and now my parents are afraid that I will get hurt again, I dont know what to do? Any books, advice?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I would be glad to try to answer your question.

AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience: B.A. Psychology
AskJason and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
whats your answer?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I would be glad to try to answer your question.
I understand that it does you no good to hear all the negative comments people love to make when critiquing someone else's relationship. I'm not going to do that to you. Instead, let's focus on the positives.

You guys are seemingly in love. That's great! You're both young. That's great too. You have known each other for only two months but it sounds like you feel as if you've known each other for far longer. Nothing is wrong with that.

Where I'd caution someone in this situation would be to make sure they realized there is no rush. Just because two people see themselves getting married doesn't mean they have to get married tomorrow. It also doesn't mean they need to commit to that plan tomorrow nor does it mean they need to move in with each other tomorrow.

Instead, why not just continue to enjoy your time together and let the relationship blossom as it should. Time will tell if all you are feeling is real and meant to be. Perhaps your boyfriend would benefit from eventually moving out of his parents' house, getting his own place and feeling that sense of independence before he moves in with you? Living in your own for the first time is tough enough without the added stress of making a relationship work under that new roof. My opinion would be to let him grow into himself a bit more, especially given the age difference, and once he is self sufficient and feeling his independence then he can invite you to come live with him or go looking for a new place where you both can live.

In the meantime, my opinion would be to just continue on as you are. Sure, meet each other's parents. Spend the night at your place once in a while. Date exclusively. All that sound great. Just don't rush it!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you! :)
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome. I'm sorry for the confusion originally. I mistakenly sent you my "welcome message" thinking we were in the Chat room when in fact we were in the Q&A session. Thanks for the Accept and hopefully I have answered your questions to your satisfaction. If you have any follow up, I am glad to offer more answers if I can.
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience: B.A. Psychology
AskJason and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh yes, ( it's ok) What about the question about ( sincec you are a guy) not being "needy" and pushing guys away part of my question.. how do I work on that? My guy is into me but I like every women have a hard time trusting bc of guys saying one thing and in the end they change their mind and break up
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
I did see that question, but because you posted it as a new question rather than as a reply to me, another expert has answered it already. I would be glad to answer that question as well as I do have some feedback you may be interested in. If you liked the answer by the other expert, you can certainly click Accept on her answer so she can be compensated. That's up to you. If you would like me to answer that second question, I can do it right here and if you are satisfied you can click Accept again here since you have Relisted the original question (due to the confusion we had) and I will be compensated that way. So please reply to let me know if you'd like me to answer your second question here.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thats fine, you can answer my question : )
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Im confused..will you be able to answer my question?
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
Feelings of jealously and insecurity are natural for many people. They key is to not let them cause you to spin out of control and work yourself up to the point that you ruin your relationship. Ironically, the very thing you are scared of losing (your relationship) is the thing you will lose if you create toxicity by being jealous and insecure.

When you are single, you have that glow and you have that confidence because you have nothing to lose. You don't feel the stress of potentially losing your lover. Your heart is not invested and therefore you are not vulnerable. However, when you do enter into a new relationship, all of a sudden you are indeed vulnerable since your relationship can only survive if both you and your partner maintain it. If he decides it is not working for him, then he can break up with you, and this potential causes you fear.

My opinion is that a person must look at how a relationship works and base it on trust. If you don't have trust, and if you need to monitor every move your boyfriend makes, then what do you truly have in the first place? Asking a million questions about the past, his past lovers, what they did, where they went, who he did things with first, if he thinks other women are pretty, etc etc etc are all questions that feed your insecurities and will actually make you more jealous.

Instead, the best thing to do is believe that your boyfriend is with you, right now here in the present, because he truly wants to be with you. This attitude will help you maintain the confidence you need to accept that fact that he loves you, respects you and wants to be with you and not with someone else. Continue on in the relationship without any jealousy or insecurity until and unless there is a reason for you to be jealous or insecure.

A man worthy of your trust wants to be trusted. If you continually show him you trust him, the more he will be apt to act in a way that honors that commitment. However, if you constantly undermine his intentions, beat him up over past lovers, accuse him of finding other women more attractive than you or worse yet accuse him of cheating, you run the risk of creating a self fulfilling prophecy and manifesting all the bad things into your relationship you are trying to avoid. My opinion would be to avoid all that, give him the benefit of the doubt, and try to keep your mind in the present moment which is all that really matters.

Thanks for your questions and if you have any more in the future, please begin your question with "To: AskJason147" and it will be assigned to me."
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience: B.A. Psychology
AskJason and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
Hi, just checking in to see how things are going for you with your boyfriend. Have you been able to implement the "trusting attitude" we spoke about and avoid the jealous, insecure type conversations? Hope you're doing well!

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