am i suited to marriage i am a bachelor 55 years of age never been married. I met a philippino lady online and have been to see her 6 times now. The problem has been that the infrequency of our meetings have been had anegative effect on our relationship. She has an application for visa in progress and we are going to get married. Am i suited to this as i feel reluctant to make this commitment. She is 35 and never had a relationship like myself.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.
I appreciate your awareness that this may be difficult for you.
I can say that it has been show through research that men who reach age 40 and are do not marry are unlikely (upwards of 90%) to ever marry.
That said, considering you are 55 and the relationship with the women you are seeing is based on a "long distance" relationship, it is my expert opinion that it is unlikely that the relationship will worked based on the fact that these types of relationships are rarely grounded in the reality of every day life.
They are based first in a fantasy for the other and then upon meeting it is a long distance "holiday" which is time limited.
Marriage and long term relationships are based on a strong foundation of commitment and it sounds from what you write that when this relationship comes closer i.e. she come to the UK- you become increasingly anxious which is a gut indicator that this is not right for you.
ok i have been over there and lived with her for 3 weeks and we get on well, but i have lost the initila feeling i had when i 1st saw her she says she loves me but i feel awkward when i have to reply
i have been over 6 times now each time for about 2 or 3 weks
Do not dismiss your feelings. This is what often happens in these types of relationships. What is important is that you not lead her on and if you feel that there is no future for the relationship it is best to let her know this.......I know you are sensitive to her feelings but again, this is the common result of what happens when you engage someone at this level. If you have been there 6 times, you have enough experience to trust your gut feeling and that is what you should follow.
I am giving you a link that addresses ten reasons why long distance relationships DONT work:
It will help you understand.
All i know is that if the relationship was to end i would be gutted because when i am with her it is good for both of us
although it is not real lfe only a holiday situation
Yes, of course, but the relationship is time limited when you are together- it is like a honeymoon over and over......
It is this Holiday "romance" that has you fixated on the person vs the other way around.
Based on what you have said, I would not rush in to getting married.
the only way to find out if it works is if she was to lve with me for a long time
Correct. I would do this before making a marital commitment.
it is part of the fiance visa conditions
you have to get married within 6 months
Well, from what you say to me, this is not what you want
its just that we want to be together
Wanting to be together is one thing......Marriage is a commitment that I don't hear you say you feel comfortable with and considering the circumstances, you have an obligation to be honest with her.
Jumping into marriage to be "together" is not a reason to get married.
Does that make sense?
yes the ideal would be for a relationship to be continuous to see each other in a regular basis and i feel the distance has created this problem of not being able to maintain regular contact. WE speak and converse everyday on live messenger
I understand. If you are still conflicted about this, perhaps a short term course of talking to a therapist will help you. Just a thought?
ye si would like that and as soon as possible bcause the visa application is being applied for now
although i have not sent any documents in the post to the visa consultant
Do you need referral assistance? I can give you a directory of Chartered Psychologists
they are ready to be sent
is this for me?
is it chargeable?
I would hold on sending anything until you talk to an someone that can help you sort this out.
ok what do i do now?
The following is the directory of Chartered Psychologists which you can locate by postal code:
ok thanks can i ask you more questions sometime ?
Absolutely, Just put "FOR BILL LCSW" in front of your question and I will get it.
All the best to you.
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ok but can you send it to my email ; XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX
it will go there automatically after you accept the question
you are most welcome
godd bye for now
Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist