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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 568
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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Im a 30 year old woman who came out of a 6.5 year relationship,

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I'm a 30 year old woman who came out of a 6.5 year relationship, the last 2 years being married 6 months ago. I was mentally out of the relationship over a year before that.

A couple of months ago, I met this 25 year old guy who I clicked with. Both very cheeky, funny people. We spent the day flirting with each other on a common friends boat and had a great day. At the end of the day, we simply went our separate ways and that was it. That night he Facebook Friend requested me, which I have still not accepted to this day. Instead, a week later I Facebook messaged him and ever since then we've had this very spastic relationship. I sent him a very simple cheeky message, to which he responded quite sourly. My response was sorry, don't worry to which he responded with an apology saying that he didn't think I was interested and gave me his number. I called him, we spoke for about 2 hours and agreed to go out for a drink on the Saturday. I learnt that he still lived at home as is a 1st year apprentice. His mum died 2 years ago which I have over time figured he hasn't come to terms with.

The following day, and since then, we would text message each other very regularly. The drink never happened, as he told me he wasn't feeling well, so I said I had a plan B anyway, all good. Then I discovered he went out anyway. It didn't make me feel good and I advised him of such and he just told me the drink would happen. The following weekend he rocked up at my place at 2 am, we ended up having great sex, and then in the morning he ran off stating he was late for a breakfast.

This pretty much repeats itself. Tells me we're gonna do something, weekend comes, great sex, he runs off. Eventually I decided I wasn't really wanting a casual relationship - those days a long behind me. So I told him and said good bye. He didn't let me go. Instead would suggest going to the movies, or some other form of hanging out outside of the bedroom. Never happening. We have had sex 3 times, with me saying the last was good bye. He keeps trying to put things at ease by not wanting to say goodbye and encouraging me to jump on board (although we all know I never hopped off...no matter how serious good bye was meant, I hoped he would turn around and make an effort to keep me to stay).

The last time we were together was a week ago. After a night out drinking with my friends, I left at 3 am to met this guy at his mates house, as he had been asking me to all night. I don't know this mate. I'm tired, I'm wet from the rain, it's cold and I'm tipsy. I get there, he welcomes me in, introduces me to his mate, and we sit on the couch. There's no interaction - he doesn't speak to me, he doesn't place a hand on me. After 10 mins he gets up and says he's going to bed. He looks at me and says, you are welcome to sleep on the couch if you want to. Then walks off, leaving me in the lounge with his mate. I wait 10 mins thinking, did this guy just tell me to sleep on the couch? Seeing as he hadn't come out, I decided to go home. I said good bye to the friend and left. I caught a cab pretty quickly. The guy calls me, asking me to come back, he had set up the bedroom with music for us to listen to and had been waiting on the edge of the bed etc. I told him I didn't even know what room he was in cause I didn't even get a tour. I ended up getting upset and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore. He knows I'm not wanting a casual relationship but he keeps me lingering and it's mean. There was a lot of apologising from his end. He insisted it was a miscommunication. Since then I don't really hear from him anymore. He claims work has had him very busy and he hasn't had time. I haven't really been asking him to explain either, as I want to give him space, so I haven't been sending messages. He's told me that he likes me, that we click and he doesn't meet many women he clicks with, he's scared (not sure of what) and that he's a screw up. He insists I'm not a booty call, even though I feel like one.

I'm not sure if this guy is a waste of my time. He's the first guy I have been attracted to since my ex. I just want to get to know him better, cause the guy I met on the boat was very attractive to me. I don't want a label though - I don't want a boyfriend, or a friend, or a lover - I just want two people getting to know each other. He recently asked to be friends, of which I oppose as I figure if I wasn't good enough to hang out with outside the bedroom before, why would I be now? Plus there's no more messaging...so??!!! I just don't know if this is a dead horse I need to get rid of or if it's something else? Don't suppose you have any ideas??
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.

Alicia_MSW :

Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question. Do you have time to chat now? If you could just give me a moment, I want to read your entire message.

Customer:

Hi Alicia

Alicia_MSW :

Hi there :) I just want to ask you a few questions as I'm reading what you've written.

Customer:

Sure :)

Alicia_MSW :

I just want to make sure I'm following everything correctly. The guy you met - the one you're interested in now - you had sex a few times, then you told him the last time was goodbye. Then you went to his mate's house, caught a cab, and the guy you like (not the mate) called you to come back, right? The mate is not involved in the situation here?

Customer:

yes that is correct

Alicia_MSW :

Okay, thanks. Just a few more moments as I am almost done reading your message, I'll be with you in a moment.

Alicia_MSW :

Okay. It sounds like a complicated situation. It seems that he is sending you mixed messages and he's not being clear about what he wants (or he's actually not sure what he wants.) What do you want out of the situation? Are you looking for a committed relationship? You say you want to get to know him better without the label (which I can absolutely understand), but you don't want to be friends, right?

Customer:

Yeah, I guess I've never made a friend out of someone I'm attracted to. I can only see it ending sadly

Alicia_MSW :

It seems that things progressed pretty rapidly between you two and I do understand why you might be feeling like, as you said, a booty call. Although it's not entirely sounding to me like this is the case. Do you have a gut feeling about his intentions, about him as a person? You say you're not sure if he's a waste of time - so there's some part of you that is questioning his motives.

Alicia_MSW :

Also - you say he keeps you lingering - how so?

Customer:

He comes across as a very trustworthy guy. But I guess my senses are heightened simply because he's 25, and the stereotype that surrounds a 25

Customer:

not that he comes across as a typical 25 year old though

Customer:

that's why I'm lost

Alicia_MSW :

Oh yes, I can understand that - but it's not a huge age difference, and there are a lot of guys who are more mature at 25. (More mature than some guys at 35, even :))

Customer:

yeah my ex is 36 and he had no idea either

Customer:

haha

Customer:

this guy I like has said he doesn't know what he wants

Customer:

but I don't see why I should wait around to find out

Alicia_MSW :

The thing is, I can see why you'd feel like giving him space (and giving yourself space) to sort things out. You kind of went to the middle phase of the relationship before you even got started - so there was no real "getting to know you" period.

Customer:

should I be more assertive and simply ask him out?

Alicia_MSW :

You absolutely shouldn't have to wait around to find out - life's too short for that. But you have to think about what you want - not what you think he might want.

Alicia_MSW :

Honestly, to me, it sounds like he likes you. He's come right out and said so - but he could be scared off because you were intimate early on - and he might be afraid of intimacy or getting too close too fast. So you were wise to pull back a little bit.

Customer:

that does make sense to some things he's tried to tell me

Customer:

he's scared of women - his last ex over a year ago hurt him

Customer:

and with his mother dying

Customer:

he's scared I guess

Alicia_MSW :

(Especially with what you said about his past, with losing his mum - women could be "scary" to him, on some level). But now, it sounds like you could take the bull by the horns and be a bit more assertive - it sounds like he's waiting for you to make the next move, almost. Do you think that's the case?

Customer:

highly possible

Alicia_MSW :

We don't have to psychoanalyze him, of course :) But he could be afraid to pursue you because he likes you and is afraid to get hurt if you turn him down. It sounds like you have to back up a few steps and slow things down and start over from the "getting to know you" phase.

Customer:

which I guess is what he's asking by asking to at least be friends

Customer:

dur! haha

Alicia_MSW :

Haha :) I think that could be his way of saying he wants to get to know you at a slower pace, with no strings attached. If you're okay with that, it seems to me that the best move might be to simply have a direct conversation with him, to avoid getting into a back and forth game playing kind of situation (not that I am saying you would do that, but it could get sticky if you don't get some things out in the open with him, you know?)

Alicia_MSW :

If you are friends, but don't label it as such, and just say that you are getting to know each other and that's that, and you'll see what happens and take it slow, and that kind of thing, maybe that's the best way to handle it right now?

Customer:

Yeah we do keep playing the, i'm leaving, no stay game

Customer:

yes, thank you alicia - you make perfect sense!

Alicia_MSW :

Right! I've seen this happen so many times - and both people are thinking the same thing but no one is saying it :) So don't be afraid to be honest and ask for what you want. Assertiveness can really help you in this situation :)

Customer:

Very true - worst thing that can happen is he runs away

Alicia_MSW :

Exactly. And then you're no worse off - then you know he wasn't right for you and you can move on to someone who is :)

Customer:

YAY!

Customer:

I can't believe how silly I've been

Alicia_MSW :

Ha ha - I wish you lots of luck. I think you have a good, strong personality going for you, (and a good sense of humor), so if he says no, he's nuts :) Is there anything else you'd like to discuss today?

Customer:

Thank you :) That was the only thing consuming my thoughts!

Alicia_MSW :

Okay. If you're pleased with my help, please press accept. And feel free to contact me in the future if you need any additional assistance :) Good luck!

Customer:

THANK YOU!

Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 568
Experience: Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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