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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1376
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My husband & I have been separated since last August and I

Customer Question

My husband & I have been separated since last August and I have no plans to reconcile. In November, I reunited with an old boyfriend that I have remained friends with for most of my life. We went to high school together and have been in a serious relationship before but lacked communication. He and his wife separated last July (with no hope of reconciliation - they basically hate each other and have 2 children from the marriage - 17 & 11 yrs old. We both felt that this was a blessing that we had found each other again. We both have regretted that our relationship did not work out in the past because we did love each other very much. We have now been dating for 6 months and have been looking forward to our divorces becoming final. We have not seen other people since we began dating; only each other. We have both acquired much better communication skills this "go round" and have been very open about our feelings for each other. We have both admitted that we are in love with the other. Approx. 2 weeks ago, he wanted to have a serious talk about our relationship and where it was headed. He expressed that he did not see himself with anyone other than me for the rest of his life, although neither of us is ready to jump back into marriage immediately. We mutually agreed that we would have a committed relationship in which we communicate our needs and really try to make this work this time for the long haul. He was as giddy as a school boy. For about a week afterward, he just kept telling me how much he loved me and how he would do anything to keep from losing me although it did scare him somewhat because he loved me so much. He said that I was his "center." I am very much in love with him and shared his affections and told him that I was scared also. All has been great until about 7 days ago when I had sent him a text (as usual) asking what he was up to. He responded that he didn't like feeling like he needed to answer to me because he had been doing that for years with his ex-wife. He said many other harsh things. Then he apologized and asked me to call him. I did. He explained that his ex-wife was giving him a hard time (they were in a bad fight-again) and that he had taken it out on me and he was very sorry. Immediately following, he said that he loved me more than anything and that his feelings for me had not changed at all, however, we could not physically see each other until his divorce was final. Apparently, it could jeopardize his case in court with his children. (They are having a nasty divorce). He stated that we weren't breaking up, we just couldn't see each other in person for the next two months. I told him that I didn't like it, but that I did understand. He said that he didn't like it either because he wanted to see me and he missed me so badly. Two days later, he sent me a text saying that he wanted to call me but that he was afraid that I was angry with him. I assured him that I was not angry and asked him to call. That was a week ago. I have heard nothing from him. No calls, no texts. I did send him a text asking if he was okay (because he usually texts or calls me everyday - which was his decision - I never asked him to do that)...he has not answered my text. It is as if he has completely disappeared! We live about an hour away from each other. I don't know what is going on....one day he is planning our future together and now it's as if I don't exist. How can he be so much in love for 6 months and then just disappear? I'm totally at a loss. Can you lend any advise?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I know it is easy to assume the worst because of the high that both of you have been on. You have had these daily 'normalcies' and expectations, but the reality is, that there are other people involved right now in your relationship (exes and kids) and there is a nasty side to this, being his. There could be a number of threats going on right now with his ex. She could be checking his phone, his computer, etc and he is right that some of these things can influence divorce proceedings. Try not to jump right to the very worst scenario right now and wait it out a bit. I know that sounds difficult if not impossible to do, but there are lots of circumstances which could have caused this to happen. He may not be able to have access to his phone for some reason. Maybe she took it from him. As difficult as it is, just wait. Try not to worry right now. Think positive. I'm certain his love for you just did not end like this.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1376
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He also mentioned that he felt that he had been somewhat "wreckless" by allowing this this relationship to take place which could affect his divorce if she found out about it. He said as much as he loved me, it would have been easier if we had waited until the divorces were final. This really hurt my feelings. Later in the conversation, he began saying that she had "screwed him up" so badly that it was going to take him some time to get his head straight. He said he didn't know if he may need some time after the divorce "to breath" as he put it. I know she doesn't have his phone because she doesn't have access to it. Is it possible that he is scared because he loves me and that he is afraid that I will treat him like she did eventually? Is it possible that he feels that he should maybe see other people? I just feel like he is avoiding me on purpose. I know that he hates "drama" as he says and he doesn't like confrontation. He said that he doesn't want me to get hurt or ruin the friendship that we have had for over 25 years. I am just wondering if there is more to this than just the ex-wife
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He also mentioned that he felt that he had been somewhat "wreckless" by allowing this this relationship to take place which could affect his divorce if she found out about it. He said as much as he loved me, it would have been easier if we had waited until the divorces were final. This really hurt my feelings. Later in the conversation, he began saying that she had "screwed him up" so badly that it was going to take him some time to get his head straight. He said he didn't know if he may need some time after the divorce "to breath" as he put it. I know she doesn't have his phone because she doesn't have access to it. Is it possible that he is scared because he loves me and that he is afraid that I will treat him like she did eventually? Is it possible that he feels that he should maybe see other people? I just feel like he is avoiding me on purpose. I know that he hates "drama" as he says and he doesn't like confrontation. He said that he doesn't want me to get hurt or ruin the friendship that we have had for over 25 years. I am just wondering if there is more to this than just the ex-wife. I asked him where this left me. He said that he certainly could not ask me to put my life on hold, although he said the thought of me seeing someone else made him nauseous. He told me that at this point, it is in my court. Should I still wait it out? I feel like I am literally going nuts because I don't know what is going on in his head
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Just thought that I would thank you for your advise. He called me two nights ago and basically confirmed exactly what you had said. He said that he missed me terribly and that he was afraid of losing me, but that talking to me everyday and seeing me on Skype made our time apart much harder for him and he felt very weak. He explained that this was the reason that I had not heard from him. Not because he didn't want to talk to me. He told me that he loved me and I told him how I felt. I told him that I understood his situation and that I realized that he had a big mess to clean up. He said that made him feel much better. He just wanted reassurance that things were okay between us. Thanks again for your advise.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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