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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my boyfriend was so busy with his work and he paid no attention

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my boyfriend was so busy with his work and he paid no attention to me, 3 times during 3 weeks of hell we had fights, 2 days ago i talked to him to fix things up and it was calm and nice chat but in the end he suggested to break up for a while because he thought he was hurting me, i didn't let that happen. we are still in the relationship but i feel he is not same as always! what should i do to make things as it was before ?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anthony replied 2 years ago.

Anthony :

Hello, my name isXXXXX a Licensed Professional Counselor and would like to offer some insight into your situation.

Anthony :

I'm terribly sorry to hear about the fights with your boyfriend. Is this the first time that you have had problems during the three weeks you mentioned, or would you say that the last three weeks were the worst of a long string of problems and fights?

Anthony :

It sounds as if you have done a lot by smoothing things over and trying to calm the situation down.

Anthony :

Sometimes in relationships you have to realize that you cannot possibly control how others think and feel, and this may be the case with your boyfriend. He mentioned that perhaps you need some time apart, did he happen to elaborate on that? If he feeling stuck or frustrated with the relationship?

Anthony :

While this seems paradoxical, sometimes the best way to gain power over a situation, is to let go of the power that you have in that situation, or in your case, letting your boyfriend choose his path. Needing space to reflect whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship may be what saves it in the long run, while attempting to keep him committed while he is considering leaving may be like trying to hold a wasp captive in your hands without it stinging you.

Anthony :

The old adage stating that "If you love someone, let them go" holds the most true here. If he is unhappy in the relationship, there is not much that you can give short of the love and understanding that you have already offered him.

Anthony :

sometimes, people get confused by the sheer concept of being in a relationship and don't realize that they want it until they have stepped out of one, while other times people who are under stress seek to be alone rather than the comfort of others.

Anthony :

Since you are offline I am going to log off and switch this to the Q&A format where you will be able to contact me further to discuss this. Until then, my best advice to you is to continue to be supportive, state how you feel about him, and communicate about the ways in which he is NOT hurting you. If he is unhappy in the relationship, ask him if he thinks there is anything that can make him happy besides ending it, but also stand firm that you want to be his first choice and do not want him to feel forced into the relationship.

Anthony :

Best of luck, Anthony. Please remember, answers given on JustAnswer are informational only and serve only as the opinion of an expert, they do not establish a counselor/client relationship nor do they substitute for individual professional counseling.

Customer:

well it's not the first time and i hurt him during this time with some sentences. The thing is he suggested to be seperated and when i suggested not to he just didn't insist on it . I thought maybe he was saying that under lots of mental pressure.

Customer:

and another problem is that i

Customer:

and another problem is that i don't know if he loves me enough or not i think he knows how to play he has lots of experiences about relations but i don't . Do you think i have to pretend that nothing happened till everything gets normal again ? i don't want to bring up another conversation on this because i think i will cause another fight. And do you think i just don't have to ask him where is he and what's he doing during the day ??? he thinks i'm to stressed in these stuff and i kinda am !

Customer:

what's the best way to attract him to myself in this situation ?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

It seems that you will have to overcome your insecurities if you want this relationship to work. Your boyfriend already tried to break up with you. That means he WANTED to break up with you, but someone you asked for another chance, and he has given it to you, but you can tell by his present tone that he is not very optimistic about the outcome, and you feel that you pressured him into giving him another chance.

Evidently he does not go to a 9 to 5 job and is always in one place. You are concerned that he is a player and seeing other women when he says he is busy. When you keep asking him about his whereabouts he responds in an angry because either:

-he feels you don't trust him, while he is merely working hard and doing his job

OR

-he is with other women, and he feels guilty and responds with defensive anger

If you are merely making small talk and says "how was your day, luv" and he gets angry, then this type of reaction may be hiding something else. (Maybe he is a burglar).

If normal conversational questions make him react badly, and you are not hounding him, then perhaps you are with the wrong person, because it will always be this way and you will always feel threatened and mistrustful.

If you believe that you are being unreasonalbly suspicious AND are houndig him, then you will have to force yourself to stop doing this or you will put the last nail in the coffin of this relationship.

For now, since you have a reprieve, I suggest you only make positive statements and see how he acts towards you. You must be patient. Perhaps he is only using you. Don't provoke him, be nice to him, and quietly observe him. Use your emotional intelligence to feel if he really cares about you or not.

If you want this relationship to work, you will have to figure out other ways to determine how he feels about you. Short of hiring a private detective you will not know so you will have to figure it out objectively. If you don't provoke him but he still fights with you, then you will know that it is time to part ways.

I wish you patience, perseverance, and success.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
actually i did not provoke him these 2 days , he is being kind and nice today and as usual he was talking to me about his problem and i was so positive to him and encouraged him in his work. he is being nice and kind again !!! and everytime i talk to him it seems that he is getting better and more caring. this is actually a good sign. i have only one more question isn't this behavior of me making him to control the relationship and making him someone that doesn't have to answer to my questions ????
and is this a good sign ??? i am not sure he really loves me because he brought up the breaking up with me ? how would you feel about his feelings for me ? how can i be sure about that??????? because i am coming to usa to continue my studying and we have to be seperated for 2 years is it worth it to continue or he doesn't love me enough to wait for me ?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear friend,

You have brought up a new issue which may be very relevant: you're upcoming departure for the USA for a separation of two years. Your relationship is what you allow it to be. If you let him be secretive then you are in fact giving him a license to do whatever he wants. In a loving and trusting relationship, the days events and interactions are parts of each others' lives that they share with each other. To be cut out of that is not healthy.

This relationship will not endure two years of separation. I don't think that it will endure even if you were staying put. You will be in a new country, and you will be very popular just because you will be a Brit and have that lovely accent. You will enjoy your next two years so much more if you were single, free, and on your own, and not tied to a guy who is unstable and secretive, and has already broken up with you, or stated his desire to do so.

He won't wait for you. If he isn't seeing other women now, and his behaviour puts his fidelity in doubt, then he will be when you are away.

Its time to devote your energy to your studies, and learning and getting into a new culture. You will enjoy your experience so much more.

If I have helped, please ACCEPT my answer so that JustAnswer can acknowledge me for my work. Thank you so much.

Enjoy your voyage and stay in the USA, and bon voyage.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
you mean there is nothing i can do ? just let him go,just tell him i don't want him to be in my life ? i'm not that rational.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
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