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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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is there any way around not wanting kids? Im 27, dont want

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is there any way around not wanting kids? I'm 27, don't want kids - she does and we literally just broke up last night because of it. neither of us want the break up and both want to be together in a huge way, but this stupid thing is in the way... any way around the kid thing? or how to cope with this? i mean yeah, it's very fresh in my mind (~12hrs ago), but still.
Hello. Unfortunately, no there isn't a way around this. This is a huge issue. A lot of couples do go through this, but the ultimate conclusion isn't going to work in your favor generally. A woman's desire to have kids is usually stronger than a mans and there is no shutting down a biological clock. To her, this is not a "stupid thing" it is a big deal. I highly doubt you will be able to talk her out of having kids and in this situation, there is no way to compromise. Unless you give in to her needs about this, I'm not sure there is a favorable solution for you. I'm sorry there isn't an easier answer here, but this is always going to be an area of contention between both of you, even if you decide to keep trying at the relationship.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
that's fair, and way more well put than anyone i've talked to ("suck it up buttercup"). Now, if I may toss another diddy into the mix, i've thought about it a lot and the 3 biggest reasons i don't want kids is: 1. I, generally, cannot stand them after 20mins. 2. Value my freedom too much, and 3. Want to see the world, more than the world that's a mere 5hr drive away from my house in the next 20years... So, that being said - i've been thinking about a compromise in that: we stay together, go on amazing trips to all ends of the earth the next 4-5years (give or take a year or 2), then pump a kid out after that. I think this could be fair, well kind of, but i just don't know if i'm actually wanting this to be a good idea or merely thinking it just to get her back. Any advice for this train of thought?

And, I also realize I worded some of this in, probably, the worst possible way and yet here we are... sorry for that.
Well, honesty comes out the way it does sometimes! You didn't say how old you were, but I know of some couples who started out feeling this way and did decide to "live" first before trying kids. 100% of the men who said they couldn't stand kids change their mind when it is their own. Women too. When you are parents and have the control of raising an individual and their actions, the resentment you have for other peoples' annoying kids become the result of the parenting involved, not the kids. Also keep in mind that plans are great, but sex can accidentally change them if you are not careful ! If pregnancy happens in 1-2 years, then what? You have to think about all of these things. About valuing your freedom too much, what do you think a relationship is? While you both do things together, you are giving up your freedom as a single person as well. Having kids just changes the dynamic of that the same way a relationship does. Having kids does not sentence you to a life of being home. When they are born and are fragile, that is one thing, a temporary thing, but you can do lots of things with kids. Those things just become different things. It's called growing up. Things change. We all would love to be young forever, but that just isn't going to happen. As far as not sure if you really want a compromise or just want her back, tell her this. Honestly. You may sound like a jerk, but be honest. No games, no surprises, just all out in the open. She can take it or leave it at that point.
and I'm not trying to talk you into having kids, just offering a different perspective to consider and it isn't the end of the world as you said and to also let you know that most people who can't stand kids actually turn out to not stand their parents instead Wink. Bad parenting=bad kids. Good parenting=good kids.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
i know you're not trying to persuade me into wanting them, but what i appreciate is you can give a more in-depth answer than Everyone who simply says to me "you're wrong, you will want them," which drives me up a wall but that's a whole other thing. but i guess that's where the "expert" tag comes in nicely. Thanks (i know i talk with a sarcastic tone, but i actually mean it in a nice way - thanks).

The thing is I'm 27, she's 26 and we were together for 8years. And I mentioned to her tonight what i was thinking (do i actually, or do i not mean it thing), and i want to take time to think about this, and i've mentioned to her also that i do Not expect her to wait around for what i think since it would be unfair to her but i also feel it still is unfair to her in some way. so really, this isn't something to take lightly but how long is too long to think about it? i know for different situations and the people themselves the timeframe can be different, but a ballpark figure?

and, again, thank you. if i could go back to 1994 and high5 you when it was still cool i would. ok, that's weird. my bad.
High 5s aren't cool anymore? Cool I guessed you were in your 20's, as this is the normal conversation I have with many 20 something men and women. Not all women want kids either.
Yeah, a time frame is nearly impossible to nail down. Its really not fair for me to give you a time frame for decision making (and keep my 'Expert" status in your mind). I would see if she is up to hanging out at the very least while you mulling over procreation. If you guys have a good time and are friends anyway as you should be in a good relationship, why not be a little bit laid back about it and go out like you normally would??
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

hey-o! this guy again... see if you can help me out again - same situation. well, a little different. in the few months I have not been with this gal I have been pretty miserable (i'm generally a happy dude) but can "put on a happy face" when needed. I have talked to this gal pretty much every day and have hung out with her a fair amount as well which is the only thing right now that makes me happy. but it also kills me cause I just want to hold/kiss her. we talked last night and this afternoon and she said to me last night, and i quote "I am not getting back together with you," and something about that made everything click into place for me. hurts like a bitch, yet hearing those words made me realize I would rather have a life with her in it (kid and all) then nothing at all. A life with her is happiness for me, sure I still don't want kids but if it means I get to have her still in my life then everything else is worth it. really, it is. and I told her this (and a bunch of other things on my mind, all came to a head basically) and she mentioned she is unsure now. she needs time, which is totally understandable, and I want to give it to her - no pressure in that sense. She's my best friend but I cannot stand to see her with another guy because I'm suppose to be with her. i just don't know what to do, i'm not giving her a short time frame ultimatum or anything at all, i just want her back. and i'm pretty sure it's not gonna be in the cards...

It sounds like at least she is giving it some consideration. She is going to think about why it is that you have changed your mind about some core issues and if your feelings would carry through in a relationship or if you are just saying these things to get her back. This is what she is going to take time thinking about.
If she wants time, just give it to her. Keep talking to her as you have been and talk through these things with her to make sure you are both on the same page, or at least working to get there.
I still think (and again I'm not trying to convince you) that if you feel this much love for her that if you do end up having a baby, that creating new life with someone you feel this strongly for may change your mind when you look at him/her for the first time. Knowing that you created this with her, the woman you cannot live without can make a bit of a difference.
Take it slow with her, keep the communication open and work through both of your feelings and see what happens.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thanks for the reply, and I understand your points and they make total sense.


my problem now is i have this overwhelming fear that i've completely lost her. i'm going crazy. we have been texting and all that good stuff, but i am still struggling at times to keep my composer and not break down (again and again and again...). I've tried to do a bunch of tasks during the day to occupy my mind and that has only done so much since the thoughts creep in every which way and i don't know what to do. i love this girl more than myself (and i loooove myself, usually) and want nothing more than to wake up next to her every single day. i'm way more than willing to do anything that is needed to be together, but my fear is over powering.


anyways, i guess my question would be - how do i deal with this fear? this constant thought of how i lost her and not getting her back, and how i've somehow let her down... i know things will eventually get better and that time may be my best friend, but is there anything that can help ease it all right now?


also, i want to flat out ask her if i have truly lost her. well, in person, that way i can read the body language and whatnot and not to give her the chance to hide behind a text message... is this a good idea? i'm flip flopping on it, and i don't want to force anything but i feel like this would however i would like to know which route to take (keep pushing forward vs. deal with the pain)...


sorry for the long one here. i have a feeling some of this is redundant but here we are

Absolutely you should talk to her in person and you should be very up front with her and lay it all out there. Don't be afraid of breaking down, it would probably be good for her to see that. If you are not forward with your feelings, you will be torturing yourself and always wondering "what ifs." Women appreciate men who are not afraid of their emotions. It shows honesty. Go for it. Just talk to her. You will feel better in the end no matter what her responses are Even if it is not a positive one, you HAVE to be able express how you feel or else in the future you will be mad at yourself for not doing it and these things will eat at you. Talking and being honest will help with your fear because there won't be any unknowns left to ponder.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you. i appreciate it. i will talk to her hopefully in the next couple days, but it has been suggested to me by a friend that perhaps maybe we should try couples counseling. i am game for that, but how do i bring it up in a way that doesn't seem like i'm forcing it and still allow her to have her space?


and, would it even work? or is it a "may as well, can't hurt" situation?

Counseling is a great idea, but only when you are both on the same page. I would talk to her first and get on that level and make sure that you both have the same long term goals and then determine if it is something you can work on together or if you need a third party. When you are looking for a counselor, look for references from people. There are good counselors and bad ones and ones you get along with and ones that you don't see eye to eye with. If the first one doesn't work for you, don't give up.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you for your responses. i talked to her today and it is all done. just flat out done. and as miserable, sad and depressed as i am right now i oddly feel more at peace since i know which route i must take. i know from here on out it's simply just giving it time to heal. so, thank you for your help. i appreciate it.

I'm sorry it ended up like that for you. I hope you take some time and find a new direction. I will follow up with you in awhile to see how things are going and just to check in with you if that is ok?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

that is completely fine with me

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