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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Hi, Im reposting my question as the initial expert who responded

This answer was rated:

Hi, I'm reposting my question as the initial expert who responded is no longer online and I'm happy to receive another perspective.
Here is my initial question:
"So, Im newly single. While I havent sworn off men Im a bit hesitant about not jumping into something straight away. With that said, Ive been speaking to one guy I know, AD, and we've been flirting bit and talking about music and other interests but he hasnt asked me out yet. This is frustrating because Ive been asked out by two other guys already. Though, I can identify that I act more nervous around AD , and am more myself around the other guys which may be why theyve asked me out... Since I dont seem like a nervous ball of nerves to them... Anyhow, I really like AD but am not sure how to procced. Should I be a bit more forward? Should I try care less? Is there anything I can do better? I just figure if he hasnt asked me out, he might not feel like he'sd like to see more of me/get to know each other better, which is the driving force of a new relationship. Im aware that he's just come out of a longterm relationship too thoug Im concerned he may be a bit of a player now he's single. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!"

I then received advice that perhaps he isnt ready to date yet and I shouldnt be umping into anything right now anyway which I agree with but am open to what comes my way. So then I'd like to follow up with this question:
"I find it difficult with AD though because we don't speak in person, only online, and when we do see each other it's at functions so we dont get a chance to talk. So, I feel like something is there but it's not progressing and Im not sure exactly what it is either. I know I have difficulty with anxiety about uncertainty and really that's all this situation is. But AD has been very thoughtful and given me a CD he thought I'd like and we talk a lot about music (we're both very much into music and its a quality I find very attractive in a man) and he messages me to see how I am doing but very inconsistently. I can reply to his message and it will take him a day or two to get back to me - so I dont exactly feel like he's that keen. But what should I do? It's hard to just keep doing my own thing when I'm unsure what's going on. And I'm going on another date tomorrow with a friend, but I'm not sure what his intentions are and while I like him and he seems very lovely I know I'll be keen to hold out for AD - but I don't even know if anything's going on there!

I guess I just answered my own question... I should carry on with my life and be a friend to him when he's looking for it. I just don't want to be a doormat and be there for him if I don't feel he's there for me, or at least in that way. Is there any way I could just do or say something to get a response from him - without being too forward? "
Thanks in advance for your help.

CoachJenK :

Good morning. We have spoken before. I am happy to work with you again.

CoachJenK :

It can be tough to be newly single...a lot of emotions get brought up since you recently had an ending and now you are back out there and trying to figure out if someone else might be interested. You are great at figuring it out and i remember that from when we spoke last time. I would suggest that you be out there and enjoy your time with AD or this other guy and just have fun. It sounds like you want a relationship but there is plenty of time for that. AD might be enjoying his time with you and leading up to asking you out. I think a great course of action for you since you are newly single is to be out there, enjoy yourself and let things fall into place as they do.

CoachJenK :

I don't think any of us can make ourselves care less as you asked, but you can care more about you...meaning let yourself live and enjoy this space and have fun.

Customer:

Thanks Jen :) I was happy to see you were the one that responded to my question, I really liked your advice last time.

CoachJenK :

you went through a difficult period with the ex so I am just wanting you to let yourself be free and enjoy whatever comes your way.

Customer:

I'm speaking to AD now online and he mentioned that we should meet up 'one day' together so that's one step forward... but I am trying to just be myself and have fun. You're right, I guess I am looking for another relationship but I feel it's more because that's where I am in life, not just to replace what I lost. But I am making myself aware of that as a possibility for some of my behaviours and thoughts.

CoachJenK :

excellent and i am glad he is asking you out.

CoachJenK :

and the key here is to enjoy the journey and not have a destination in mind

Customer:

Thanks Jen, am definitely trying to do that now and mostly feel amazing with the possibilities that lay ahead of me. Ha well, he asked me out without a set date to go out... but its something :)

CoachJenK :

NICE

CoachJenK :

see you came here with your desires and poof you got it!

CoachJenK :

you are healed...LOL

Customer:

I truly believe in the universe giving you what you wish for ...

CoachJenK :

exactly...

Customer:

haha you're a mirale worker thats why ;)

CoachJenK :

and it is so important for you to just be so let yourself.

CoachJenK :

as if!

Customer:

thanks again for your support. I actually work in psych and I know it can be hit and miss finding someone you can connect with but Ive really appreciated your support and style so thank you. Ill keep you posted :)

CoachJenK :

but as I said yto yu last time we worked together, you know yourself so follow it and keep calm and enjoy

Customer:

Yep, all about keeping my impatience and anxiety around uncertainty in check... am working on it!

CoachJenK :

my pleasure and yes I remember your work...that could be a good thing or not as you may analyze it all...so less analysis and MORE enjoyment

CoachJenK :

if things ar eright we can all be patient with it and enjoy the whoe ride

CoachJenK :

*whole

Customer:

Thanks Jen :) All the best

CoachJenK :

Keep this thought in your head when you are out there.... JUST BE

CoachJenK :

you too. talk soon

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