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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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Ive been seeing this guy online and he asked me to be exclusive

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I've been seeing this guy online and he asked me to be exclusive but I'm not sure. I also liked another guy but never heard back from him.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KaterB1270 replied 4 years ago.
Could you please give me more information. Such as how long have you been talking to this man. How close in proximity is he to you? What is your last relationship experience? What does he mean by exclusive?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've been talking to him for a few weeks. He lives about half an hour away from me. By exclusive meaning just us and not dating others. My past experiences have been bad. I got dumped for no reason after a year and by text. Never found out why.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

I think it is wonderful that you are dating and putting yourself back out there. since you have had this past hurt with the break up by text, you may want to take things slow with this guy or any others. there is always plenty of time to be exclusive but after a few weeks, you seem to be unsure and that is okay. so spend time with him, and enjoy the time together but if you are not ready to be exclusive that is fine. Be open and honest with him about your feelings for him and where you are in your desires for dating and exclusivity.

Take your time and allow yourself to enjoy the whole process.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I really stuffed up though as I slept with him too soon. He says it isn't moving too fast, but we aren't exclusive. He uses this lame excuse that he never moves this slow. And porn stars do everything compared to this.
Also he was texting someone before bed last night. It makes me uneasy and paranoid. I also swear that he said his job was 9-5, yet he actually worked today. He wouldn't explain this.
He always just wants me to come over and hang out. I feel like I'm being used and actually want to go out on dates.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
Go easy on yourself for being intimate with him quickly. That doesn't mean that you don't get a say in things now about how you want to proceed. You have had this past hurt and now you want to move slowly and I would follow that gut sense of yours.

It sounds like maybe you want different things...he wants the hooking up and keeping you to himself and you want to be out there to date and move slowly. If that is the case I strongly advocate for you to follow your feelings and trust your gut.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I'm really not sure if he's telling the truth or not
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
I would suggest that the tow of you sit down together to see where you both are so you can figure out if your needs and desires are in line with one another.
In what way do you feel he is not telling the truth?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
All The dating books always say don't start the" where are we"talk. He asked me to come over and I didn't know what to do. I suggested we go out and do something fun and non sexual. Yet I got rejected. Yet he said he wanted a relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
He has already told you what he wants...and that is a "relationship" but his idea of what relationship means sounds to be very different than yours. He may like the idea of exclusivity so that you are not with any other men. But he may just be desiring intimate relations if he rejected your idea to do something fun that was non-sexual.

So it becomes a matter of what you want since his actions seem to be telling you where he is. If the sexual connection is enough for you, then fine, but if you want more and you don't think he is desirous of that, then you have the information you need to make a choice that works for you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Why text someone right in front of me, for ages? That was pretty rude. Why did he start a fight with me? He says I don't open up enough and can't figure me out. Yet all he wants to do is sleep with me and apparently nothing else.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.
Hard for me to answer the questions about why he does those things but they aren't that respectful for sure. It seems pretty clear that his desire for a relationship is about sexual intimacy and nothing deeper than that. if that is now what you want, then it may be time to move on and begin focusing on you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 4 years ago.
In the past I've had online relationships that seemed to being getting pretty serious, and when I met the person, they were much different than I expected. I think I tended to fill in the blanks with what I wanted them to be. In situations like this, it's important to be honest with yourself, and pay attention to your gut feelings. If you're feeling used, you probably are. If he seems rude and demanding, that's probably the kind of person he is. I agree with Coach Jen that just because you slept with him doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship. It really seems like this guy is causing you to feel uncomfortable. I think it's best to keep looking for the right guy for you, and not settle for the wrong guy.
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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