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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Customer Question

Hi, My boyfriend and I of almost 3 years recently broke up. We were in a long distance relationship for about 2 years before we decided to live together. I made the move from CT to NJ with my 6 year old son who absolutely adores him and we lived there for about 8 months before we finally called it off. We both still really care and love each other but were constantly arguing. I decided to move back home since I thought it was best to be around my family especially being a single mom. I guess my problem is that we both still love each other and my ex wants to stay in contact but I'm not sure this is the best thing for us being that I still love him. I would love to think that maybe someday we could possibly work through our differences and give it another shot, but don't know how to even go about doing that? Should I cut contact with him? He said he didn't think we would be together again but that u never know.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

a painful situation for all involved. How is your son doing as well?

Customer : He is doing ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX me on a daily basis how much he misses my ex
CoachJenK :

so painful and I asked not just because I care how you are both doing but to try and decide what will work best for all involved. Does your ex still want contact with him?

Customer : Yes, he wants to be there for him regardless of the situation and is even open to visiting with him
CoachJenK :

well i have several thoughts...

CoachJenK :

would he be willing to go to couples counseling? I know things ahve already ended but if the love is still there the it may be worth giving that a try.

CoachJenK :

if he is not open to that because he knows it is truly over for him but you want your son to have the continuity with him then you can schedule time for them to be together...it will be painful for you no doubt.

Customer : I mentioned that to him while we were still living together and he said that he believed that would have been a good thing for me to do lol
CoachJenK :

the other way is if it is all too painful then you can take some time apart and see how you feel and if it is possible for you to have contact with him

CoachJenK :

oyyy Why do i alwys hear that from the men!!!???

CoachJenK :

it would have helped both of you!

Customer : Yes I'm sure it's typical, but I do believe it would've been benificial
CoachJenK :

it is hard for men to open up and be vulnerable in that way

CoachJenK :

me too...naturally I believe in it.

Customer : He wants to maintain contact with me and said u never know what could happen in the future but I'm not sure if this is a good idea?
CoachJenK :

it is only a good idea if you are not suffering in the process.

CoachJenK :

if it is too painful for you then it is not a good idea

CoachJenK :

that is why I suggested taking some time to see how you feel with some time under your belt

Customer : So maintaining contact with him is a good way to reconcile the relationshop
Customer : Relationship?
CoachJenK :

it may or may not be...i am not trying to play both sides. Often i advocate for space as that can cause one to miss the other and the wonderful things you shared

CoachJenK :

but I think because your son is involved it gets a bit muddy for me

Customer : Yes I agree lol
CoachJenK :

if he werent involved I would probably be suggesting no contact as it is too painful for you.

Customer : He said he wouldn't mind us seeing each other from time to time
Customer : I'm just really confused
CoachJenK :

what does that mean? romantically?

CoachJenK :

or just casual as buddies

Customer : I guess go out to dinner and probably that as well
CoachJenK :

so have his cake and eat it too? does that work for you? that is where my focus and concern is

Customer : I don't like the idea if there is no hope for a relationship
CoachJenK :

me neither but he isnt being clear one way or the other...if you have the strength to see him and let it play out then ok

CoachJenK :

but only if you are not suffering and I am not convinced it wont be terribly painful for you

CoachJenK :

imagine you are intimate after a ice dinner and then you dont speak for a week?

CoachJenK :

*nice dinner

Customer : Yes that wouldnt be nice lol. I know him very well though and I don't believe he would do that. It's hard for me to let go because he is one of the better guys I've ever dated
CoachJenK :

and I understand all of that. Then if you can handle it then let it ride for a bit and see how it goes...I am okay with that.

CoachJenK :

there are no guarantees as you know

Customer : Ok thank u
CoachJenK :

but the love is there clearly so play it out

Customer : So sorry to ask again but I've recently told him that we probably shouldn't talk ...should I stick with that for a little while and if so for how long
CoachJenK :

do not apologize for anything here with me

CoachJenK :

when did you tell him that?

Customer : Just yesterday
CoachJenK :

lol

Customer : Lol
CoachJenK :

yes stick with it for a few days

CoachJenK :

let him miss you a bit

Customer : Ok I'll try that
CoachJenK :

I think we have a good plan. tell me how you are feeling about it

Customer : Well i think it sounds ok..just unsure if I should wait to hear from him
CoachJenK :

I know...because you feel if you dont reach out he will disappear

Customer : It feels that way, but I really don't know.
CoachJenK :

you have to follow your gut and live with what feels right for you

Customer : Ok thank u
CoachJenK :

Certainly its easy for me to say wait to hear from him and let him miss you but if you are in pain only you really know how and what will help you

CoachJenK :

I just dont want you to set yourself up for continuous pain if his idea is different than yours

CoachJenK :

If you need me at anytime please come back and request me

CoachJenK :

If I have been helpful please click accept

CoachJenK :

Good morning. I waited for you last night to come back online. Would love to continue if you need more support. Earlier in the conversation we talked about some counseling. I might suggest that during this tough space and back and forth with him that maybe you seek out some counseling for yourself in addition to the support I am giving to you here. I think you could benefit from the face-to face interaction. Let me know if you desire that and if so I can help locate someone for you in your area. I look forward to hearing back from you.

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