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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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to add to the last question we have another issue in this relationship: my

Resolved Question:

to add to the last question we have another issue in this relationship:
my boyfriend has a daughter and even we have been 2.5 years together i still haven't met her. He is trying to work on it, but she refuses. I don't think that he is pushy towards it because there is a lot of guilt involved because of recent divorce (3 years).
they spend a lot of time together and i feel that im loosing out, also I'm jealous towards her and him possibly seeing his ex wife.
i was in a relationship before where my partner had children, but i had non of these feelings (not sure if its because i met them and they accepted me).
I am wondering how could i deal with it or maybe it's sort of dead end? he is very protective towards her and every time i try to push him to do something about the situation he gets upset and defensive. There were couple of times where I really needed him with me, but he has chosen to see her instead, therefore I feel that if anything bad would happen to me on the day when he is meant to be seeing her he wouldn't be there for me that upsets me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.

KansasTherapist :

Two and a half years is a long time for him to wait to introduce you to his daughter. Some people are very protective of their children, meeting new partners but this seems excessive to me. Another issue might be that he doesn't want his daughter carrying stories back to her mother about dad's new girlfriend. There are plenty of divorces that get very ugly over that sort of thing.

KansasTherapist :

He seems very close to his daughter.

Customer:

Yes, they are really close and he treats her like a grown up 9she is 14). Sincerely XXXXX XXXXX angry about this situation and every time I try to talk to him about it we end up arguing because he doesn't think that I should be telling him what to do when its related to his own daughter. I just don't know what to do anymore because i feel that it brings me down.

KansasTherapist :

I have a suggestion. I wonder if he would let you send her a gift or a card or something. For example, send an Easter card, or a little basket. (I don't know if that's the sort of thing you do in the UK)

KansasTherapist :

That way you can slowly build a relationship with her that might make him more comfortable.

Customer:

I think that could be an idea. But what about my feelings towards her? how could i start to accept that she will allways be in his life and that he will allways see her mother?

KansasTherapist :

I'm guessing those feels come from being in the dark. If you felt accepted by her and got to know more about her, it would probably be much less anxiety provoking.

KansasTherapist :

The part about always seeing his ex wife, is not necessarily true. Since his daughter is 14, it won't be long before she can see him without having to coordinate with her mother. And not long after that, she'll be out on her own.

Customer:

anything in the mean time as i'm guessing it could still take a while? Long story short he even goes to stay with his own mother on weekends with her because she doesn't want to come over here. I just feel that if it will last like it is we might split up. I'm always upset and he feels not appreciated and not understood.

KansasTherapist :

Can you tell me what you get out of this relationship that works for you?

Customer:

I have to admit i have to think about it. I guess he supports me financially that is quite nice (but carries pressures too),we have nice time together most of the time (when these mentioned insecurities don't kick in), I also feel attached to him and safe. On the other hand I have to admit that there are things that don't work and I was happyer before the relationship, but I keep thinking that he is the nicest person i ever met and don't want to let it go.

Customer:

in case it will resolve

KansasTherapist :

The things you don't like are that you are not feeling as cared for as you used to with him and you feel shut out of his relationship with his daughter. Are there other things that are bothering you?

Customer:

Only one more. I just feel like sometimes he doesn't listen (he cares for me as a person, but doesn't listen). He has a business to run and then daughter stresses so his mind is always occupied with other things.

KansasTherapist :

It also seems it is hard to resolve differences because it just turns into an argument.

Customer:

yes, that's a definite. sometimes im even scared to say may opinion because i dont want things to turn into arguments

KansasTherapist :

I think, if your relationship is going to last, there has to be better communication.

Customer:

i think that too, but how?

KansasTherapist :

First, he has to be willing to get onboard to work on it. If he's not interested, it's going to be hard to do.

KansasTherapist :

If he will agree

KansasTherapist :

You can start by writing each other letters. That way there's no argument or being interrupted.

KansasTherapist :

If also helps to have an agreement that if you or he are feeling angry or upset to stop the discussion to cool off, then come back to it. That helps with the yelling and frustration.

Customer:

yes, i would rather talk because letters seems a bit like texting? or am i wrong here? maybe there is special technique like writing it on paper or setting special times? I am sure he will be interested because he is a willing person. I just somehow think that he might be feeling that the situation will resolve itself with time and he doesn't want to upset his daughter over me. Is it really possible to resolve the situation where neither of the sides wants to come into compromise. Although i will ask him about sending his daughter a card.

KansasTherapist :

Writing on paper does make a difference. Texting tends to be abbreviated and less expressive. Writing letters can be a way to express feeling that are hard to say face to face. Also reading a letter give each person time to think before they react and then read over their letter before they give it.

KansasTherapist :

Usually to resolve anything, both side have to be willing to compromise.

KansasTherapist :

If you want to try the "no fighting" discussion, you agree in advance to stop the conversation if either one of you asks to, then come back to it after an agreed upon time, like 15 or 30 minutes.

Customer:

thank you for chatting with me today. I actually feel much better already. As i am new on the site please could you tell me if i am expected to "accept" payment after every chat i'm satisfied with?

KansasTherapist :

Yes, you'll be charged whether you accept or not unless you ask for a refund. The expert just won't get paid if you don't accept.

KansasTherapist :

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Customer:

thank you

KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
KansasTherapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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